My ex turns out to be my sister’s fiancé

Dear Agatha, Please treat this as very urgent because I don’t have much time. I have only two weeks to confess or it would be too late. Years ago, when I was in England, I seduced one young man whom I eventually got pregnant for. Though 10 years younger than I am, I couldn’t help myself as he had all the qualities I wanted in a man so I planned it all by inviting him to my house. I knew it was not going to be easy convincing him to have a relationship with me since I was still married to the brother of his elder sister’s husband. It was one of those days when my husband went to France. I wore one of my sexiest nightgowns, which showed off my fantastic body. It didn’t take too long for him to capitulate. The relationship lasted for a year. It ended with my husband finding out about it when I became pregnant. He was very scared of the repercussion of accepting responsibility of the pregnancy. The shame of our relationship was too much for him; he left for Scotland. I went ahead to have the baby against the opinion of my friends and family members who expressed the view that I was taking it all too far. They didn’t understand my passion to have a baby when my last child was exactly 10 years old. To be frank, I didn’t understand it my self, I was ready to forfeit my marriage because of my passion for this boy and his child inside of me. Since I didn’t have his address or contact in Scotland, I bore all the expense of the baby on my own. My husband didn’t bother to come back to England. He along with our first and second sons settled in France, he allowed me to keep the youngest child; our only daughter, because of her age. Needless to say, my children and family were all disappointed in me but I was beyond caring. It was a burning desire to be loved, a satisfaction that I was still attractive enough to attract the attention of a young man and a handsome man too. Before the incident, my marriage and life was in comatose, my husband was either too tired to pay attention to me or too busy making money to care that I needed that special assurance only a man could give. The excitement in our life was missing, I tired discussing the decline in emotion satisfaction with him but he wasn’t listening. I had no choice but to follow the trend among women in England, having young lovers to give them what their husbands at home cannot give. For me, it was more than fun because I found for the first time that depth that I only imagined but never experienced. Well, I came back to Nigeria seven years after that incident to discover the man my sister is getting married to, to be the same man who is the father of my seven year old daughter. The mistake was made because nobody in my family knew him. All they knew about the incident was that I got pregnant and had a baby for a man. He met my sister in Nigeria five years ago. He did not tell her about his child or me. Seeing him again after all those years brought back my feelings. I went in search for him, and blackmailed him into sleeping with me. The reason I am writing to you is that he recently called my bluff, saying I could go to the roof top to tell the world about our affair and the child. Agatha. I am not selfish but I love him so much. I want him for myself. How do I make him understand this before he marries my sister? I also want my daughter to know who her father is. She has of recent started asking questions about her father. I want to inform my sister that her husband to be is my daughter’s father. What do you think I should do? Emi. Dear Emi, I hate to say this but your attitude leaves me with no choice; you are unfeeling and self-centered. These two ingredients have the ability to destroy any human being. You are only concerned about your self not caring about the consequences of your actions on the lives of the people around you. For instance, is your desire to introduce father and child really honorable or out of a selfish wish to destroy your sister and keep the man to yourself? While that child has a right to know who her father is, your objective is very wrong, your aim is to cause your sister and her man pains, which is a very callous thing to do. Although you claim your lack of emotional satisfaction is the bane of your infidelity, your current attitude shows there is more to it. It could be a psychological problem you are not aware of. Why else would you destroy your marriage, hurt you husband and children by going out with this man, getting pregnant for him and having his baby? If you had tired enough, using the same technique you used in luring that boy into your bed, you would still have been married and a happy woman. A lot of women overcame such problems because they admitted to it, sourced for solution within the walls of their homes. Had you taken the extra step, you would also have overcome. The selfishness in you made you go into that relationship and got pregnant without thinking for a second what kind of problem you were fermenting into the future of that child. Have you bothered to think of how that child would feel in the future to know that she was a product of a scandalous affair, one that led to the break up of your first marriage? One of such problems has already started to manifest. Her auntie’s would-be-husband is her father. How do you expect her, this auntie and her father to ever have a normal relationship? How do you expect her to relate with the children from such marriage? How is she going to cope with the embarrassment of such mixed up relationships? The poor child through no fault of hers would forever carry the grime of your carelessness and poor moral values. And why are you determined to destroy your sister’s happiness? Why are you hell bent on destroying everybody and thing because of this young man? Is he the only man in the world? What you feel for him is not love but a strange case of an emotional illusion that keeps urging you to self-destruction. Already, it has deadened your ability of fair reasoning. It is awakening in you something so passionately destructive; so much so it envelops you in a world that is just you and you alone. You just have to wake up from this damaging and unreal word of emotional downhill you have degenerated into before you really hurt yourself and further cause injury to members of your family. Nobody can do this for you. It is a matter of asking God to help you to remember what is wrong and what is good. Learn to do to others what you would want them to do to you. How would you feel if you are in your sister’s shoes? How do you want everyone in the family to react if they get to know you are blackmailing your sister’s fiancé to sleep with you? Even though that young man is weak, go and apologise to him for what you have done to him. You don’t have to stay around to witness the marriage if you cannot handle it emotionally. Look for an excuse to go back to England and put a respectable distance between you and him. Give your sister and her man the chance to be happy. It is the least you can do. For once, learn to put the interest of another person before yours. The presence of your child will never quite remove your shadow in their lives because your daughter would always be her stepdaughter irrespective of the relationship between the two of you. Don’t forget that your family members you embarrassed once, might not be too forgiving if you bring up the ashes of that inglorious past in a manner that would embarrass everybody and bring to memory events that have been left in the past. It is not your place to inform your sister about her fiance’s relationship with your daughter. Give him the right to tell your sister himself. Granted that she has to know but the decision of when to tell your sister is his’, not yours. Don’t get me wrong. Falling and being in love is a wonderful experience. It is peaceful, selfless and joyful experience but not this disastrous calamity you feel for this man. To find that peace you seem to be questing for, go to God for help and forgiveness. Go and make peace with your past. It is important you ask for the forgiveness of your ex husband and children because you wronged and hurt them. You need their prayers and forgiveness to be happy. Good luck