Help! I want my husband back

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My husband and I are having serious problems in our marriage; the kind that could either lead to both of us going our different ways or force him into bringing in another woman. Either way, I will be the loser because at 50, I won’t be able to get another man. Whereas at 55, his life appears to just be starting if the trendy way he dresses these days is anything to go by. We got married when I was just 23 and he 28. Frankly I wasn’t ready for marriage as at that time but when I got pregnant, our sets of parents insisted we marry. In addition, he wasn’t really my main boyfriend; he was just one of those guys girls couldn’t resist then; the fun boyfriend when the main guy was too busy with his studies to go out on a date. It was during one of such parties, I allowed him sleep with me and the result was the pregnancy that made us marry. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. He was all over me; giving me attention as well as support but annoyance mingled with disappointment at ending up with the wrong guy made me very cold towards him. By the time I came to realise how much I loved him, it was too late for me to change. Even if I wanted to, I didn’t know how to express my love for him. This is what has brought on the problem I want you to help me with. Repeatedly, he has accused me of being unromantic, frigid and heartless. God knows I am not any of these things. It is just that he isn’t giving me a chance anymore to express how I feel for him. I know I made him suffer for the first 10 years of our marriage but in the last 17 years, I have been trying to make him see me in a different light but he isn’t giving me any chance at all. In the last four years, he has been involved with another woman. She is my age mate from what I gathered from her Facebook account. She has also had three children and is single. From their messages to each other, they are very close. I don’t care about her, what I want is my husband. Please how can I win him back, give him the kind of love he deserves and the kind of romance he wants. Although he still comes home and shares my bed with me but his heart isn’t in it. He does it to fulfill all righteousness. He is a fantastic father to his children. He practically lights up when his children walk into the room but is cold when he sees me. I seem to have lost him forever. He doesn’t even bother to discuss anything with me as he used to do when we first got married. He got tired of being the only one talking and me not saying anything. My problem is, I don’t even know where to start or what to do. Pat Dear Pat, Start from the very beginning of your relationship with him as a man, not even as a husband. Go back to the very first time you both met to begin the corrective surgery of sewing back your home to the shape you want it to be. Honestly, you have allowed the situation to drag for too long. There is a limit to human endurance and every man has his ego. A man will endure any situation as long as you don’t touch his ego. Loathing him for making you pregnant in a game you actively participated in and hating him for doing the noble thing of accepting paternity of your unborn child by marrying you for over a decade after your wedding was uncalled for. Life is not what we want but what God desires for us. This man was not at fault. He didn’t force himself on you or make the choice for you to sleep with him. You did and without protection too. The moment a woman does that, she makes the important decision of becoming a mother. So, you and not he made that choice of getting pregnant and marrying him. You knew you were in a serious relationship with someone you hoped to spend the rest of your life with but you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another man without protection? What if he had denied paternity of that child? Deep down do you think the other guy would have readily accepted the pregnancy? You have a lot to be sorry for and a lot of work to do in buying back his love and trust. It is a good thing you are not trying to fight the other woman in his life. To attempt that would amount to driving him away completely because it is from that woman he is getting all he thinks he needs as a man. This is why it is imperative you find a way of getting him to a conference table with you. After living with him for 27 years, by now you must have an idea of what he wants, his likes as well as where his interest really is. Fortunately, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Recruit your children into your plan. Let them know what you intend to achieve; they are no longer children and would have noticed the not-so-perfect relationship between you and their father. Even though they may not have said anything out of respect and fear, they will definitely desire a happier home hence would do anything to make sure you and their father are happy together. Get them to make sure their father attends your party and conference for two. If need be, send one of them to his office to ensure he isn’t hijacked by the other woman. Once he comes home; take over. Go on your knees and apologise for the wasted years between both of you; explain your love, needs and dreams to him. At your age, you have nothing to hide anymore. Explain everything that happened; your disappointment as well as pains at not ending up with the man you thought you loved. It will help him understand so many things he didn’t about your treatment of him in the early years of your marriage. End up by telling him how much you have come to love him, appreciate him and sorry at the way you treated him all those years. Let him know if it were possible for you to turn back the hands of the clock you would have, but that you want a chance to be his wife in the true sense of the word. Tell him you are willing to do anything to make it up to him for all the years you made him suffer. Plead with him to forgive you as well as the opportunity to be his ideal woman. The fact that he still comes home, shares your bed shows that the fire for you has not completely left his heart; your treatment of him certainly is responsible for the decisions he made to search for a woman to make him happy. Even if he fails to thaw the first time, don’t be discouraged; remember what you are trying to undo took 27 years to build. Even the walls of Jericho didn’t disappear within 24 hours; it took the children of God seven days of vigil to bring it down. You have to exercise patience in redressing all the problems you created in your home. From now on, make it a point of duty to pamper your husband with love, affection, attention and little gifts that will make him smile whenever he remembers. Woo him back shamelessly with your body by adorning yourself in very enticing clothes, nightgowns as well as innovative lovemaking that will make him want to stay with you. Learn to respect him always. This is absolutely important. I have emailed some ideas I cannot share on this page to your email address; hope you find them useful. Above all, enthrone God as the Supreme Head of your home. Don’t worry; you will smile at the end of the day through the help of God. Good luck.