Can’t I make my inter-tribal relationship work?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a huge fan of yours. You are actually my role model and I pray that God will continue to bless you. My problem started a few weeks ago. I am in an inter-tribal relationship. I’m a Yoruba girl while my boyfriend is Ibo. Our relationship is a few months old and so far we haven’t had any problems apart from the time he thought I was cheating on him because of a message he saw on my phone. Agatha, I don’t mind our tribal differences and he also claims not to mind but a few weeks ago, I was browsing and came across an article which gave reasons why inter-tribal relationships never work out, especially between the Ibo and Yoruba. I browsed further and discovered some even more disturbing articles. Some claim that his parents, especially his mother would never accept me; another said the Ibo guys only date Yoruba girls for their wealth. I’m very sure my boyfriend loves me for who I am but lately, I can’t stop thinking about the articles and that our relationship might not work out. I love him very much but I don’t want a situation in the future that we will break up after years of dating because his family doesn’t accept me. Agatha, I really need your opinion on this matter because I am very confused. AtDawn. Dear AtDawn, Only the determination of a couple offers a relationship its security. Even if you and your boyfriend come from the same clan, the moment you both allow your families too much freedom to meddle in your union, it becomes doom. No doubt in some families, tribe plays an important role in determining what becomes of their children’s happiness but once a couple at the centre of it all holds on to their dreams of being together, trust in each other’s love as well as strength, the relationship does survive the onslaught. What you read are the experiences of other people. Some of the time, the writers use their encounters as the barometer in arriving at their conclusions. A marriage not meant to be will not work no matter the tribe or nationality. Every marriage is a school of different encounters, challenges and situations. No two marriages are alike simply because no two human beings can ever be alike, not even that of twins married to another set of twins. Just as there are bad inter-tribal marriages, there are equally inter-tribal marriages that are perfect examples of what an ideal marriage should be. What you need now is not the doubts reading such articles have generated in your mind but looking at ways you can avoid making such mistakes in your own relationship. One of the reasons most inter-tribal marriages break down has to do with cultural and language differences. What you should do now is to make attempts at learning your boyfriend’s language as well as the important cultural observations of his people. No matter how difficult his people are, the fact that you even made attempts to speak their language and learn their customs, including the kinds of food the mother and father like the most, will make them pause in their assessment of you to study you. Often than not, the fear of not knowing how to relate to a woman from another tribe, prompts hostility from the man’s family. But once you are able to break the ice by speaking some words in their language lessens the fear of you turning their son into a complete stranger as well as converting your children into your side of the country. A woman who marries outside her tribe must be ready to tolerant and sensitive to the ways of her new family. People are naturally suspicious of change therefore if the woman makes the extra effort to present her new family a kind of menu that is familiar, she sets herself up to win the battle. If you are serious about this man, pressure him to teach you his language, customs, the fashion sense of his people as well as the kinds of food they eat. Every tribe is determined to preserve some of its cultural values so be determined to succeed in your own choice. Good luck.