Despite his lackadaisical attitude he wants me to stay

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 27 years of age. The man who proposed marriage to me doesn’t have time due to his workload. I have taken him to my house to meet with my family but I neither know where he lives nor has he taken me to see his parents. Recently, I told him I have found someone else; to my surprise he warned me not to even contemplate dating another man since he still cares for me and wants to marry me. I have scared him into believing that I would be getting married by December but he says I shouldn’t. What should I do? Chinonye. Dear Chinonye, The question is, do you have a suitor lined up to marry you in December? What if he calls you bluff and tells you to go ahead with your new suitor because he isn’t ready to marry by this December? What are you going to do or tell him next? Rather than lie to him about an imaginary suitor, why not ask him outright questions concerning his attitude towards you and your relationship with him? The danger of trying to blackmail him into doing what you want is that he can easily turn round to use it as an excuse to exit your life. Have you considered what he would think of you if no wedding takes place by December as you have led him to think? The infinitesimal step to a successful relationship begins with a tiny seed of trust. He must have a reason for proposing marriage to you. Since you are in doubt about his motive, let him know why you don’t trust him or the sincerity of his proposal. Besides, you have to be careful in your bid to be married. No good thing comes easy so why the rush and obvious desperation on your part? It isn’t healthy for your peace of mind as well as reputation when this man discovers you have been less than truthful to him. Allow this relationship grow naturally. Marriage is more than having a partner and proposal; it is devoting time to the study of the character, nature and attitude of the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. It is also important you know the kind of temperament he has. Rather than make marriage the reason you want him in your life, why not let him know that you desire some private moments with him to enable both of you expose your characters to each other which will help you both arrive at a clear picture of what to expect later in marriage? Going to see his family isn’t as important as you both being sure of your feelings for each other as well as knowing the abilities and disabilities you would be interested in from the other person. At least you know that he is career focused, and may not have the kind of time you would have loved to share with him. Beyond introducing you to his family and knowing where he stays, in all sincerity, can you cope with the situation? Be honest with yourself because it is most likely that he won’t change jobs just to please you. This is more important than the issue of knowing his family since this is what you would be living with until he changes the kind of job he does. His family isn’t who you are going to live with; his family members may really like you but if you are not at peace with him, cannot endure the time you spend apart or certain things about him, it would be difficult to find the kind of happiness that makes marriage enjoyable. Besides, there is nowhere in your mail you mentioned love or even that you like him. All you appear interested in is marrying him. It doesn’t work that way. There can never be a happy union without the mention of love. The lack of love is why you appear anxious and skeptical of his motive. Relationship is more than wanting a partner in your life, it is also about growing and nurturing your feelings to the point of living in each other’s mind and body. What you have now and appear to be pursuing is a blank canvass. Not even an ink stroke to announce a kind of activity on the canvass of your relationship. These are the concerns you should tell him instead of pressuring him to come for your introduction. If you are asked to summarise the character of the man you want to marry or tell his likes and dislikes, what can you say about him? What if after you both marry, you discover he has some attitudes you cannot cope with; it won’t be easy for you to walk away as it is now that you have no legal and religious encumbrances to contend with. My advice to you is to learn to take each day as it comes in this relationship. If God wants both of you to grow in love and friendship, no matter what is happening to him now, he will find time for both of you to sort things out to favour you. There is always a certain kind of peace that accompanies the wait of something God has designed for one. If you look deep into your heart, without pressuring him, you will know if he is yours or not. Good luck.