He says I’m not romantic enough for his liking…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com., el: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me. My husband keeps describing me as being very unromantic. I have done my best but he keeps complaining. I don’t know what else to do because he is the first man in my life. I don’t have any friend to turn to. This isn’t something I can discuss with my mother, and since I don’t have an elder sister, only an elder brother whose wife isn’t very friendly, I want you to help me. How can I become the kind of woman he wants? He is the kind of man I also cannot talk to. He is very distant from me and any attempt to ask him what it is I am doing wrong could turn into a misunderstanding. Although I am shy asking this question, is it true that when a woman puts to bed, her person expands? After the birth of our set of twins, my husband said I have expanded to the extent he doesn’t get any satisfaction from me anymore. I am pregnant again and so afraid if this birth will further deteriorate my person. I so much want my husband to be happy, but the more I try the more problems I rake up. Agatha, I am very unhappy. At 30, I am beginning to grey so much so my pubic pair is completely white. In our four years of marriage he has never complimented me on anything. I am beginning to suspect he doesn’t love me and that he just married me when he found out I was a virgin and naïve. He is 12 years older than I am and at the time we met, he was dating this woman he told me is his age mate and very worldly. Although I don’t have any evidence, but I think they are back together because of the kind of perfume he comes home bathed with and the kind of cars he brings home. Whenever I ask where he got the cars from, he barks at me. My parents will never take me back, hence my decision to stay in this marriage and find ways of making him happy. Do whatever you can for me; I beg you in the name of God. Ronny. Dear Ronny, First things first! Relax and begin to believe in your own worth as a woman. This is important to your health and your unborn child. The naked truth is; your children would suffer the most should anything happen to you. This is because your husband would eventually remarry to a woman who may not like your children at all. Forever, they would remain motherless so it is in your interest to be alive to care for them yourself. No matter what you think is happening to you now would be nothing compared to their everlasting pains and sorrow should you worry yourself to death. It is only when you are alive that you can worry about marital problems, so must strive to stay alive first. Every other thing is secondary. There is no marriage that hasn’t its challenges. The difference is the kind of attitude deployed into resolving marital conflicts. If you are determined that this time is a learning period in your marriage; a time to sow, you will definitely come out of this smelling roses. On the other hand, if you see this as a cul-de-sac, there is nothing anybody, including you, can do to make it work. The key to the success or death of your marriage lies in your heart. There is nothing a determined heart cannot achieve. Foremost, be rest assured that there is nothing wrong with your person. The woman’s body is divinely constructed by God to stretch at childbirth and contract thereafter. Unless you went through a badly done episiotomy or had a bad tear that was badly sown, there is no reason your body shouldn’t snap back into form. Even if this is the case, rather than make an issue of it, the right thing your husband should have told you is to go back to your gynecologist. That he didn’t but elected to make an issue out of it to hurt or spite you, pay no attention to what he is saying. It is a game some men play to justify affairs they are having outside their homes. He is using the psychological approach to make you either quit or mask his affairs. The intention is to make you take the blame for whatever he is doing outside; to make you feel guilty as a means of defending his actions. The decision to leave or not is yours to make but it would help you a great deal to put things in their proper perspective. What is your marriage worth? How much do you love your husband and home? What kind of sacrifices are you willing to make in the process of keeping your home? Finally do you have the emotional strength to weather this storm? If you are already going grey all over, it means you may not have the kind of emotional toughness required to fight this kind of battle to a logical end. Frankly, this is the point in your life you become so unbiased about the kind of step to take. You need to sit down to think with a crystal mind. Being real about yourself and marriage is the only way you can win this battle. If you elect to stay; then be prepared to ignore so many things; including the kinds of perfumes that follows him home, the kinds of cars he brings home, the number of times he bothers to come home, the kinds of names or things he says to you as well as his general attitude towards you. Doubtless, these things can be extremely difficult to ignore but for your sake and determination to stay put, you must. The grey hair all over would disappear once you make up your mind to be happy, let go of all the tension inside of you. Life is a choice so is everything that has to do with it. At every point, no matter the situation, we must learn to appreciate and thank God because life is a huge canvass. What we become in life is what we leave on it. The moment you stop making an issue of whatever he is doing to hurt you by ignoring him and pretending you are unaware of his motives; the battle would have been half won by you. A simple change of disposition makes a whole lot of differences in the battles we fight for in life. Besides, nobody can make you feel inferior or worthless if you don’t allow such retrogressive thoughts. Even if he doesn’t notice anything you are doing now, be resolute in making the little changes on your own. Remember you are no longer the naïve girl he married. You are now a woman and a mother. Since he likes the sophisticated, up grade your look. If there is a way you can spy the kinds of cloths the other woman likes, do, and copy them. Everything is fair in a war game. You are fighting for the heart of your husband and home. The other woman is an outsider. He married you because he saw something she doesn’t have. Even if that thing was your virginity, he still married you and not her. You may not like the kinds of cloths but since you husband appreciates them in another woman, wear them. Another thing is to stop exhibiting fear in his presence. He is after all your husband. Respect him, but don’t be timid in presenting your views to him. If you can go to God with freedom, nothing should stop you from going to your husband too. Some men like women who stimulate their intellect. Coming home to a woman who doesn’t know how to discuss with him, is obviously afraid to approach him let alone voice her opinion on an issue may not be his kind of thing. Such a man may really find you boring. But if you begin to engage him in intelligent discussion on the economy, social and political situation of the country, he is bound to be curious. There is no way sex can be fun between two people who don’t have a clue as to what makes the other person happy. Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate; a tool of communication and bond between a couple. This is the time to give freedom to all your fantasies. No matter how strict your upbringing was, you must at one time or the other fantasised about your marriage, husband and sex. Drag out those secret dreams and give them wings to fly. Invest on sexy nightgowns, perfumes and a good book that teaches the A-Z of quality sex. Work on your firmness by cutting off the flow of urine midway. Hold for about a minute intermittently until you are through. It helps to firm up the muscles inside the wall of vagina. This is something you can do at anytime. At first, it may be difficult but with patience and determination, you will eventually win the battle as long as you place all your trust in God. Importantly, go on your knees and ask God to bring him back to you. Also pray the things you don’t want in him and your marriage out. In addition ask for wisdom in your dealings with him. If you are persistent in your resolve, he will eventually come back home, no matter the attraction the other woman presents to him because he married you and not her. Good luck.