Tenets to make distant relationship work please

With Agatha Edo, email:gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your urgent advice on my relationship. I had a friend in school then, casual friend who graduated before me and currently studying abroad. He is from a different tribe. Last year we were chatting and he asked me out and I agreed. We have been talking on phone and through the Internet without seen each other.

However he lost a very close member of his family this year and travelled home. He did not inform me but I got to know because his international number wasn’t going through and I tried his Nigerian number, which went through. He claimed he sent me a message informing me of his arrival but I did not get the message. I got angry and did not visit him throughout his stay and he also did not visit me. He has gone back and claims I was not there when he needed me. He claims his refusal to tell me he was coming was not deliberate but because he was not in a right frame of mind. My mother is of the opinion that I shouldn’t have been that harsh on him because he was in deep grief. Was I too hard on him? Also I do not believe in pre-marital sex and I informed him, he agreed but said he wants petting and physical contact. I do not feel comfortable with the idea and I expressed it to him, he claims it is his weakness and he has to kiss and smooch his girl friend. Can I take him serious? How do I know if a man really loves me or is after my body? What should I do? How can one be sure of a long distance relationship?

Young Lady.

Dear Young Lady,

I agree with your mother. You should have been more accommodating and understanding of the circumstances of his visit to the country. The person who died must have been very close to him to make him travel all the way for the burial.

Under such a situation, he could really have forgotten to tell you he is coming. This is because we all react to grief in different ways. While some have the ability to function normally while in grief, others break down completely becoming such hopeless cases themselves. The fact that he answered your call was enough reason for you to go to him irrespective of whether you were happy with him or not. If nothing else, you would have achieved the opportunity of discussing the issue with him. Besides, your natural curiosity should have overshadowed any anger you felt at his handling of the trip home.

There couldn’t have been a better opportunity for you to get to meet the man you have dated on the phone since last year. The fact that you were not sufficiently motivated by your inquisitiveness to meet him underscores something deeper, which you are either yet to confront or simply refusing to admit to yourself all together.

In addition, it would also have afforded you the chance of getting to know him as well as his family members who would have all been present at the funeral of his relations. There is no way one or two of them wouldn’t have asked him about you. He would naturally have been forced to explain your relationship with him, which would have helped both of you put your relationship in better perspective.

Being the one at home, it would have been easy for you to take proper charge because there are things, places he may not be familiar with again which you know.

Allowing him to go without meeting and seeing you has given him reasons to reconsider so many things about this relationship. For you to abandon him at the point he needed you the most must have created some doubts in him about your suitability as a dependable woman.

Most men want what he wants from you but the onus is on you as the woman to take a stand. Taking a stand for what you believe in isn’t the same thing as avoiding him. You could still have gone and insist that you aren’t ready for what he wants from you instead of staying away. Sincerely your reasons and excuses aren’t tenable at all. It is a very cowardly thing to do because for a man and woman to have a successful relationship, they must meet, be in constant touch with each other to make it work. Relationship and marriage don’t exist in isolation. The difference is between a man lusting after your body and the one loving your person is in the palms of the woman. If you let him know this is what you want and stand by it, he would have no choice but to abide by it if truly interested in you or leave you for a woman who has less principle.

Long distant relationship requires honesty, dedication and sacrifices to work. Call this man if convinced you and he have what it takes to make things work together and apologise for not being there for him. Ask him to give you another chance. Sincerely had you gone to him, he would have been the one apologising to you for coming without telling you but as things are now, you really do need to apologise to him.

Good luck.