What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha, 

I am one of your very strong fans. I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other peoples’ problems. However one thing keeps puzzling my mind and it has to do with the way things turn out to be. 

From an early age, I have vowed to do the right things; refused to take the risks my friends took dating different men. I didn’t get round to dating any man until I clocked 30. With some of my friends successfully married, and pressure mounting on me, I decided to give a man a chance in my life. I even allowed him access into my body. Like me, he is a staunch born again Christian. 

On discovery I was a virgin at that age, made him vow to marry me. But only for him, six months down the road, to come up with the excuse that I am unexciting in the bed. He said all attempts to teach me to flow with him failed due to my stiff nature.

Agatha, you won’t believe that he left me to marry one of the notorious ladies I know. He called to tell me that he is sorry but that he did what he had to because this other lady knows how to bring the best in him.

A look around me shows he isn’t the only one. Many of the girls we labelled morally bankrupt then are all happily married while those of us considered to be prime and proper have either unstable homes, broken marriages or are not even married at all.

This year, I would be 33 and still searching for a man to give me the kind of happiness I see in the homes of the friends I thought would never make good wives.

The questions I want to ask you Agatha, are these: how come the bad girls seem to be getting all the good men and what do men want from women? Your response would make an interesting reading to many women in my shoes who are daily becoming more disillusioned about the turns of things in their lives. 

I want to know where I went wrong and why I am being punished for doing what is right. 

Gbemi.

Dear Gbemi, 

To be frank, this is one question I would have done anything to avoid due to the many twists that follows an honest answer, but it comes with the job. 

Frankly, I have had to handle this knotty question in seminars and usually end up like this: life is a deep mystery one that only God can aptly define. 

You didn’t go wrong in trying to do what the discipline of Bible teaches. The Bible teaches morality wherever we are; do things to the glory and honour of God. For abiding to the teachings of the Bible, you have no blame.

But there is nowhere in the Bible that forbids seeking knowledge of what one doesn’t know. However, there is a huge difference between seeking knowledge the right way and the wrong way.

Right from the wee hours of our lives, nature and society begins the process of our eventual initiation into the institution of marriage. Ironically, this same society is the very one that puts so many obstacles on the road to learning how to do what must be done to achieve success in the task it has on its own set for us to follow. How come when we talk about the natural ingredient of marriage is always hushed under the carpet? Classified as forbidden? Has all the hushing done anything to stop people from doing it? 

Religious institutions simply follow the agenda the society has set for us but this time with a tougher discipline; a time-table that is so rigid and devoid of reality. 

It is this balance that gets people into trouble. When liberty is thrown into the winds, the result is a notorious reputation, which in the long run does no good to one’s image. The other end is for one to be anti-social, critical and cynical of every move perceived to be an aberration of their understanding of the Bible. 

The extremism we bring to bear on what is real and what we believe often not set the pattern of either our woes or joys in life. You are who you are by what you believe as well as your ability to marry these beliefs with what is realistic. Reality demands we would one day get married and have children. And if this is to happen, we should be real enough to know when to step out of our beliefs and mingle with members of the opposite sex as friends.

The reality of marriage demands we know how to study the person, temperament, attitude and character of the person we intend spending the rest our lives with. Marriage doesn’t happen between two strangers on the first day they meet. Rather it happens between two people who have come to the conclusions that they can together overcome life’s challenges as well as ambiguities.

For this simple reason, a buffer zone must be created for interactions of both men and women. There is nowhere the Bible condemns a gathering of both men and women for the purpose of exchanging positive knowledge about their differences. A market place of reality must be set up for everybody to come and shop for ideas, information, knowledge as well as experience on how to handle members of the opposite sex.

Thinking such a place breeds promiscuity, gives licence to people to abandon moral values is encapsulating life into a very narrow jacket of kindergarten thinking, something completely out of place in the real world.

In the pursuit of moral and religious sanctification, many people end up not only alienating themselves from others who maybe hold the same religious views, but also insulate themselves from the experience of others. This is why some of the so-called good girls end up with so many disappointments than those they regard as the bad girls.

Appearances can be very deceptive. The so-called bad girls may at the end of the day be as moral prim as the so-called good girls but have simply mastered the game of having an open mind to issues. Maturity is knowing that no man is an island, and that the world is a vibrant market place of ideas, opportunities and experiences. Hearing others talk about their real life pains, disappointments, mistakes and foolishness go a long way in helping others know how to avoid such things. One doesn’t have to sleep with a woman or man to have the knowledge of what to avoid and what not to avoid. This is where some girls are smarter than some others. Knowledge can’t be gotten from isolation. It comes from exposure to many shades of the canvas of life. A teardrop here and there could at the end of the day form a mighty ocean.

It also gives these smart girls the knowledge of what to do to keep their men happy, where to go for help and the technicalities of the dynamism between the man and woman as well as their different ways of thinking and reactions to issues. 

If a young woman desirous of one day spending the rest of her life with a man begins by treating them with hostility, being suspicious of their every move, run from their company; where would she get the men from when she is ready to marry? Would the men come from Mars? This is why such women, once the word is passed around find it difficult for them to get any man, because those who would have come are afraid of disgraceful rejection. 

Moderation is what life is all about. That one listens to discussions on sex, relationships doesn’t make one promiscuous. Moral bankruptcy comes from what you decide to do with the subject of sex. Knowing from the experience of friends and colleagues that sex is vital to the bond between a woman and man is not harmful or doesn’t it affect one’s relationship with God.

Even though your former boyfriend didn’t act well, the fact remains that for some men, sex is too important for them to gloss over. Granted, he didn’t have the patience enough to teach you the real act but as a woman you should know that life is one huge classroom. Most of the time, we depend on each other’s experiences to move forward. At 33, there is the need for you to step out of the cupboard and develop an attitude of wanting to learn, not by sleeping around but by being comfortable enough to listen and contribute to discussions of sex. 

Without talking about it, you won’t know what to do with it when the time comes for you to explore it. Besides, talking will also give you an idea of how to treat your man like a king; the kind of care that forms the total package and not just the sexual aspect of it. 

God isn’t punishing you for anything. It is just that you have refused to apply His given wisdom to certain aspect in your life. Knowledge and wisdom are strong weapons, so use them effectively. 

Good luck.