I’ve Lost My Three-year-old Marriage To My Friend

Dear Agatha, 

My marriage is only three years and already I am outside my home while my childhood friend is openly romancing my husband and planning to take my place.

I feel so betrayed because the problem that has sent me out of my home was caused by advice from my so-called friend, who knows everything happening in my home. 

Shortly after I got married, I discovered that my husband wasn’t as active in bed as he used to be. When I asked him, he kept giving every kind of excuse; from being too tired to not liking sex that much. 

Because we were sexually active when we were still dating, I knew something wasn’t right so I told my friend who took me to a spiritualist. The spiritualist gave me certain water, oil and soap to use whenever I wanted him to sleep with me. He said it would break the spell cast on him by a former girlfriend out to frustrate our marriage. According to the spiritualist, the intention of the woman was to make sure I left in frustration so she could take over my home.

His condition didn’t improve rather, it became worse as he could not achieve an erection with me. While this was going on, other problems were beginning to manifest in the marriage. He became short fused and picked quarrels with me at the slightest excuse. 

Rather than follow the advice of my mother and another friend of ours, both who pleaded for understanding on my part, I instead followed that of my bosom friend, who not only insisted I gave him back measure for measure, but seek solace in the arms of my ex, who was pressuring me to have him back.

I should have been alarmed when he told me about the situation with my husband but it just didn’t occur to me to ask who told him. 

One thing led to another and I found myself sleeping with him again. The only person who knew about our resumed romance was my friend, who, pretending to be doing me a favour always offered her home for our use. 

I thought I had it all figured out, especially as my ex appeared to want me permanently in his life. Somehow, I became careless, as well as openly rude to my husband. I would be frank with you Agatha, because I need your help desperately. I called him half-man who was unable to satisfy his woman in bed. 

That really hurt him. He simply took a few shirts and walked away from the house. Initially I was happy but got really worried when my friend who prompted me to end it all refused to pick my calls after narrating what happened between my husband and I. 

My worries increased because nobody could tell of my husband’s whereabouts. When I went to ask after him in his place of work, I was told he had been sacked two months earlier. I felt like a fool; his parents didn’t have a clue where he was, not even his best friends. 

In between looking for him, I discovered I was pregnant. I told my ex who was responsible but he told me in very clear terms that he wasn’t interested in marrying me and that he wasn’t sure if he was responsible for my pregnancy.

After being to my friend’s house severally and not finding her, I didn’t know what to do so I decided to abort the pregnancy. 

It was three months after the incident that someone whispered to me that they saw my husband and my friend together. I was excited and decided to go to my friend’s house to find out where she had been and ask the whereabouts of my husband. 

Agatha, the scene I met almost killed me as I met my friend on my husband’s laps cuddling him.

Right in the presence of my husband, she told him about my visit to the spiritualist to render him impotent so I can go back to my ex. 

The whole thing has turned out to be a fine mess, one that has made my parents refuse to intervene on my behalf and my other friends abandon me.

I am currently without a family, home or friend. I feel betrayed and have learnt my lessons the hard way. I want my husband back but I don’t know how to go about it or tell him that my friend pushed me into what I did. 

Ronke.

Dear Ronke, 

You didn’t act at all like a woman who loves and respects her husband. You acted out of line. In the first place, why would you share such a personal thing about your husband with your friend? Why didn’t you encourage your husband to see his doctor or pastor? What did you expect a friend who doesn’t have the kind of experience you were passing through to get the knowledge from that will help you out of your predicament?

If your friend has taken over your husband it is because you unwisely handed her your husband, as well as give her the weapon to fight you. 

Why would you visit a spiritualist when you can join hands with your husband to pray the problem out of his life? Did you in the first place find out if his sexual performance had anything to do with a problem he was passing through in the office? There is no way a man who has the challenges would have the presence of mind to have quality sex with his wife. If you were perceptive, you would have known something was on his mind, especially as he didn’t have the problem before. 

Even if you were naïve about the spiritual solution prescribed by your friend, were you also without knowledge of the meaning of infidelity? One of the major codes of marriage is endurance, for better for worse. How would you have felt if you were the one having problems and your husband’s solution was to date another woman? No matter what the influence of your friend was, the choice to sleep with your ex was yours to make. Admit you went into the relationship because you wanted to and not because your friend encouraged you to. Allowing yourself to get pregnant is evidence of that. Had he not rejected you and the pregnancy, would you have considered looking for this husband of yours? Be honest, would it not have been good riddance to bad rubbish? You decided to look for him because you were left with no choice and not out of remorse, which is what counts most at this critical stage of your marriage.

Frankly, if you had respect for your husband and marriage, you wouldn’t have done what you did.

Before you can talk of fighting to get him back, there is the need for you to critique what you feel for this man to avoid you hurting him more than you have already done. Do you want him back because you know you love him or want him because he is with your friend and that you have no place to go from here?

If you love him, be prepared to fight so you can get him back. This time it has to be on his terms. But first you have to get him to listen to you and you can only do this by first going to God to make peace. When a marriage is going through this severe crisis, you need the help and presence of God to heal it. You have not only hurt this man but you have humiliated him and it would take only the grace of God to make him forgive you. 

Plead with your parents; yes, they are angry but they would have to help you to beg eventually. Enlist the help of people he can’t ignore. It may take quite a while but if you are determined to go back to your man; the patience you lacked at the beginning is what you must learn to imbibe now. 

Good luck.