She Lied On Oath To Foist Paternity Of Her Child On Me

Dear Agatha,

A girlfriend lied that I am the father of her child. The matter went to court and I accepted paternity of the child. 

Now she wants me to marry her. Do you think she is saying this because of the child?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way she can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. One thing is to accept the paternity of a child, while it is completely another thing to accept marriage to her against your will. 

The question is what do you want? I cannot tell you to marry her or not because I don’t know her. You have your reasons for denying the paternity of the child and allowing the matter go to court before accepting responsibility of the same child. 

If you are not comfortable with her as a woman, why not exhibit boldness in telling her what you feel and why you think it must not always be her way? 

A court can force you to take responsibility for the child, because you slept with her. That on its own makes you liable for any pregnancy she claims to be yours, but no court in the world can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. 

This is because marriage is sacred, done in love for the purpose of peace and chastity of the society. 

Love, friendship, respect, trust, loyalty and faithfulness are some of the ingredients needed to have a peaceful home. From all you have said, it is obvious you don’t trust her at all else you wouldn’t have denied responsibility of the pregnancy since you slept with her. Even if you have reasons to suspect anything, the fact that you have been intimate with her would have made you accept the baby without allowing the court to decide on the matter. 

Given this antecedent there is no way you can ever have the sufficient trust to keep her in your home as a wife, at least not now. You must first of all get rid of the cobwebs of your mind.

 It is only after you have done this that you can think clearly and properly too. One thing is clear, if this woman wasn’t sure of her claims that you are the father of her child, she wouldn’t have allowed the matter go to court. For her to have done that means she is sure, so the problem has to do with your ability to trust her. If you are contemplating marrying her, you must first of all deal with the issue of your inability to trust her else it will be the bane of your union. 

If she wants you to marry her, it is only natural. Every woman, especially young and single, would always want to marry the man she has a child for because it saves her from having to explain to another man and his family why she didn’t marry the father of her child. Most women don’t want to have children for different men if they can help it.

But like I said, the decision has to come from you, not her. If fear was the reason you denied the baby at first, even if she is the one asking for marriage, it still behooves you to beg and ask for her forgiveness before either declining her offer or accepting it. 

As a man, you need to be more definite about your life. Stop leaving everything to chances. You must learn to take your life in your hands and stop leaving everything about you to chance. Nobody desirous of making it in life gives the freedom of decision on his or her life to another person. Put a stop to it and for once take driver seat and direct the ship of your life to where you want it to go.

The major challenge isn’t this girl, but you. The truth is you don’t want to take responsibility for anything; you want the decision to be taken for you so if it doesn’t work, you will have an excuse, an escape route to say, I didn’t want it but was forced into doing it. Life doesn’t work that way. If you want this girl, before someone else get interested in her, don’t delay in making up your mind known, declare your interest and stop playing games with your life, this girl’s as well as that innocent baby.

And if you are sure she isn’t the right one for you, sit her down to discuss the welfare of the child. The welfare of the child may be one of the reasons she is asking you to marry her. Once you assure her of the welfare of the child and demonstrate your sincerity to your commitment, she may have the confidence to move on without you. Your refusal to take on responsibility may be the reason she is demanding you marry her. 

Good luck.