Dear Agatha,
Please help me resolve this rather difficult situation I have found myself. It concerns my brother and the woman he intends to marry.
Around April last year, I met this lady through my boss who happens to be her boyfriend. Being the secretary, there is seldom anything happening in his life that I am not aware of. He is one of those bosses that are honest, responsible, respectful and very opened. Like every man, he has a weakness for the wild ladies, and do from time to time indulge in wild romances even in the office.
He tells me almost everything happening in his life. I know for sure from what he tells me about this lady that he has no intention of marrying her kind; that he only intends her to warm up his bed whenever he wants the service.
I have severally caught them in very intimate positions in my boss’ office and one of his very regulars. I didn’t consider her my business until she showed up as my brother’s much talked about fiancée.
My elder brother, five years older, is one of the nicest persons I know. His girlfriend of eight years about two years ago walked out on him to marry his best friend. It was a very devastating experience for him. At first, he vowed never to remarry, but with the support of our parents and his other friends overcame the disappointment.
You can therefore imagine the joy of the family when he announced to everyone this fantastic lady he met and with whom he intends settling down. He didn’t get to bring the lady to the house until three weeks ago when I discovered to my dismay that she was the same lady whom the day before spent the night at my boss’ house. I am aware of this because he begged me to bring some letters he forgot to sign to his house. Because I had to go for my personal errands, see my own boyfriend coupled with the fact that the letters weren’t something that I had to dispatch that day, so I got to his house at about 6p.m. I met her in my boss’ T-shirt, suggesting she was there to stay.
My boss insisted my boyfriend and I spent time with him. We left at about 9p.m. as a result of the league match both of them were very passionate about.
Seeing her as the woman my brother intends spending the rest of his life with almost gave me a cardiac arrest. My brother and parents must have noticed my disposition because they kept asking me if everything was okay with me. I have to invent a headache I didn’t have to escape into my room. My boyfriend who came in later also didn’t know what to make of the whole development.
What really worries me is her attitude. She not only pretended seeing me for the first time, but also stayed cool all through. It wasn’t until the following day in the office she came to plead with me to let her be. That she was with my boss for the fun, but want my brother for a husband. She promised to be of good behaviour once she marries my brother.
Since then I haven’t seen her in the office, but when I asked my boss about her, he told me she said she didn’t want to come to the office anymore; that she now preferred seeing him at home.
Agatha, I haven’t told either my parents or brother yet. He is my only brother and sibling, which make us very close. Our parents married very late. I don’t know how he would react given the kind of disappointment he suffered two years ago.
My boyfriend insists I say something before my brother makes the mistake of marrying this girl. Last week I told my best friend who is also of the opinion I tell my brother.
My fear is not telling him, but his reactions to the news. I can’t withstand seeing him in the condition I saw him the last time his girlfriend walked away from him.
What should I do? I feel so helpless. Do I challenge the lady or go straight to my brother? My friend says I should also tell my boss about her. Do I?
Ibidun.
Dear Ibidun,
Which would be tolerable for him; to know now that the woman he plans to marry isn’t who she claims to be or to find out after marriage that he has married the wrong woman?
Chances are he would never forgive you for knowing the kind of person she is and not saying anything about it. Sincerely you would have achieved nothing at the end of the day because he would eventually find out about her.
What you are doing now is simply to postpone your brother’s doomsday to a time it would not be easy for him to quit without complications.
He may not receive the news well now, but would at the end of the day come to appreciate your interventions. As his sister, it is your responsibility to watch out for his interest, provided your intentions are not malicious, intended to secure his happiness in life, don’t feel guilty at being the harbinger of this piece of news. You need to protect him from himself before it is too late.
You can only feel guilty if you are lying about what you know. As long as you are sure of your facts, don’t be afraid to tell your brother about her.
Who your boss is dating isn’t any business of yours, but whomever your brother involves with and marries is your business. If you don’t know how to tell your brother, tell your parents first. Your father being a man and one that has seen it all would know how to tell his son about the nature of women. He too must have had one or two experiences to share with him; encounters that will help your brother come to the realisation that whatever challenges he is going through in the hands of the women in his life are meant to prepare him for the right kind of woman.
He is most likely to listen more to your father than your mother whom he would see at this painful time in his life as a woman. But coming from your father, a man like him, one understands how it feels to be rejected, betrayed and made a fool by a woman, he would eventually get over it and bounce back to listen to well meaningful advice from you and your mother.
It is also essential you encourage your boyfriend to be closer to him; keep him company to ensure he doesn’t capitulate to temptations that follow this kind of disappointments.
Like you fear, this incident will certainly dig up the ghost of his first disappointment, but having the right kind of support will help him overcome.
As his only sister, your job doesn’t stop at just telling him about this girl, it goes beyond that. Why do you think your brother is falling into the hands of the wrong kinds of women? Do you detect a similarity in all the women he has dated so far? If yes, what are these similarities? Use this information to help point him at the recurring mistakes he has been making with women generally. If all the women have the same outwards qualities, perhaps he should look at the one different from all other women he has dated.
Chances are that he dates this lady because she may look like his former girlfriend physically or has same characteristics with his ex. Having dated his ex-girl for eight years, he could have unconsciously searched for a woman with her kind of personality to replace her. Deep down, he wants a woman like his ex in his life.
To help your brother overcome this, encourage him to begin his relationships from pure friendship. This would afford him the opportunity of getting to know the woman for who she is and not for want he wants her to be. Chances are he didn’t bother to look deeply before bringing this one home. He wanted to see his ex in her and unwittingly fixed her into the image of his ex without making efforts to know whom she is.
Always stand in gap for him by praying for his success. He really needs all the help he can get to ward off disappointments in his life. Sometimes things we take for granted may be warning signs from God that we need to draw closer to Him in prayers. If you are wise, begin now to secure your own marriage in prayers to prevent you too from late marriage and several disappointments.
Good luck.
Lonely Heart
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. Thanks for the life changing advice you have been giving to people. Truly, you are God sent. I am a girl of 21years, an undergraduate, dark in complexion, tall and easy going, need a responsible man for a serious relationship. An interested man can contact me through this number, 07039888697. e-mail Ngbaby4zubby@yahoo.com
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