I’m Dating My Cousin’s Ex

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for all you have been doing finding solutions to problems we throw at you. May the good Lord reward you for that.

I have been living in Europe for more than a decade. I am 42 years old. After trying two different relationships in Nigeria, I became disillusioned because these relationships didn’t work. Frankly, I became confused so decided to start something here in Europe. A cousin of mine linked me with a lady I eventually fell in love with but the issue here is that my cousin once dated her. He insists it doesn’t matter. 

They went their different ways because of the issue of their genotype. I am of the view that it isn’t right to date a woman my cousin has dated. The girl says they really didn’t go out.

The lady and I are deeply in love and you must have observed from my age, time is no longer on my side, and on her side either because she is in her early 30s. Please, I need your advice.

PP.

Dear PP,

As long as you are able to live with the knowledge, trusting them not to rekindle whatever they had in the past, there is really nothing to it. The only challenge is your ability to bury the memory of whatever it is both of them had in the past.

However, there is the need for both of you to be cautious. That you are both getting advanced in age doesn’t mean you have to rush into something you might both regret later. When it comes to marriage, a lot of issues have to be tackled to enable the couple enjoy significantly the bliss of being married.

So, what do you know about this lady beyond the fact that she once dated your cousin? Who is she? Can she be trusted to be a good, supportive, enduring, patient, understanding and caring wife? Do you think you both have what it takes to become good friends; to be able to laugh at, and with, each other? A good sense of humour between a man and woman who plan to live together through the thorny turns called marriage helps to douse tension in the home as well as create the right atmosphere for the two to make up when challenges come pouring in. 

As a man, how ready are you to share your space, time, resources, opinion and secrets with this woman? Are you prepared to make her the most important person in your life, consigning both your family and friends to the second and third positions after her? Do you love her for herself or the fact that you are becoming desperate to settle down? How well do you know her temperament? What are her drawbacks as a human being, the ones you just must learn to cope with as she is also expected to cope with the dark side of you?

I ask these questions to help you appreciate some of the issues that could cause a couple to have disagreements in the home. A lot of times, some people rush into marriage without looking or learning to appreciate their individuality first. There is no way anyone can be part of a team without first taking time out to study his or her limits as a person. 

The knowledge of one’s limit, more often than not, goes a long way in helping that person recognise the weakness in another person as well as the right attitude to help that person overcome it.

When we fail to appreciate that no one is perfect in life, that right from the factory we come with some defects and are unable to read our manufacturer’s instruction correctly, we become very impatient with others struggling through their limitations. 

So, before you and your girlfriend go through with the whole process, there is the need for you to sit down and talk as honestly as possible. At this age, it is very imperative you bring out all your fears especially as it has to do with her relationship with your cousin. For the last time, talk about it with all openness and oneness required to begin a journey together. From this early beginning, both of you should discuss whatever ground rules you want in place, what you expect of her particularly. A lot of problems come in marriages when couples attempt to change the goalpost at the middle of a game. Respect begets respect. For the marriage to succeed, both of you must learn the act of according to the other maximum respect, even when things are not going as expected. 

Once both of you are able to get the ground rules right from the beginning, a lot of the fears you are nursing now concerning her relationship with your cousin will be answered. 

Importantly, don’t forget the place of God in this matter. Always seek His approval first before doing anything, because with Him on your side, you will never have reasons to be resentful of the choice you make.

Good luck.