Caught my son sleeping with my wife

Dear Agatha, 

Writing this is a very difficult thing for me. I’m a 68-year-old man. I lost my wife five years ago to heart failure. We were blessed with four children, two boys and two girls. My eldest son is 41 and married. I had to remarry when I just couldn’t cope with the loneliness and hassles of cooking my meals, as well as taking care of the house.

I met my second wife at a friend’s party. She too had been through a marriage and has three children of her own. Because I was interested in marrying her, I requested to meet her children from the very beginning. She also met my children. It was after this that, we got married.

I noticed that she and my sons were very close, especially my first son who initially didn’t really support the idea of my remarrying on the grounds that they didn’t want me having another child outside the four of them. I can’t remember precisely when they became extra close as my son took to visiting my home frequently. 

I didn’t make anything out of it, rather I was glad that my wife and children were getting on. 

When she informed me she was expecting a child, I didn’t exactly know how to break the news to my children but surprisingly, it was my first son who had always campaigned against me having another child outside them that expressed his joy at the news.

I still didn’t think anything was out of place when she gave birth to a boy who was the exact replica of my first son. 

I frankly didn’t suspect anything was going on between my wife and my son until I accidentally came home one day to find my wife and son making love right in our living room. The shock of what I saw landed me in the hospital. But for the grace of God, I would have died. As if that wasn’t enough, my son told me pointedly that he did what he did because he is not only in love with my wife but is the father of her son. 

The issue here is not just my marriage anymore but that of my son’s marriage. The matter is still between my son, my wife and I; none of us has said anything to others. My doctors are worried about my very high blood pressure. Sincerely, I don’t care anymore if I die or live but the issue is how this would affect my children and my innocent daughter-in-law, who has done nothing since entering into my family but love and respect me. I have placed a curse on my son and wife. I have told them they will look for happiness in life and not get it for hurting me in my grey years. 

Agatha, I am so confused and hurt right now. Don’t know what I did to deserve this in my life. I have always prided myself as being a loving and caring father. I want to handle this matter before I die, ensure it doesn’t break up my united family. It is the only way I can rest in peace. Please treat as priority because I know I don’t have a long time to live.

Omololu

Dear Omololu,

This is knotty but one thing is clear you just must reverse the curse you placed on them, not because they don’t deserve it but to give you a good standing before God. You could have died but you didn’t because God wanted you as father to find a solution.

It was needless placing a curse on them because God Himself through His words has already done that. For your son to have slept with the wife of his father shows a great disdain for your person. 

It would help your recovery and effort at finding solution to accept the naked fact that you don’t hold the patent for this kind of incident. A lot of men have walked this embarrassing path before.

Honestly, there is no way you won’t involve your daughter-in-law and your other children in this matter because the life of an innocent child is involved. The child has the right to know who his real father is and since your son hasn’t displayed any signs of remorse at what he has done, keeping quiet about it now is only postponing doom’s day. There is no way you can help him protect his marriage without him first demonstrating a profound remorse at the abominable act he has committed with your wife.

Even if the woman applied the pressure on him, he should not have capitulated to such an act. Not only did he desecrate your marriage but tore apart the bond between the two of you. No temptation should have made him stab you in the back. 

The only damage control you can do is to plead with your children not to allow the matter go beyond them. Tell them the shame of advertising this shameful act would be too much for you to handle and would give the extended family the right to interfere in matters that don’t exactly concern them. 

The first thing is to call your son aside. Ask him where you had gone wrong as a father; what you failed to do and what you did which made him decide to commit this abomination against you. At this point, it is useless getting angry; this matter has gone beyond that. Besides, it won’t change or undo what has happened. For him to be so bold in telling you he fathered the child you think is yours and that he is in love with the woman you call your wife points to an inherent resentment against you. 

The right thing he should have done is to run away and find ways of appeasing your anger, not to stand up to you. It would do you a world of good and your children too if you find out what could has brought up that unrepentant attitude from him. The fact that the two of them didn’t think anything of committing the act in your home also speaks volume. 

Knowing what the real problem is will definitely inform you on how to resolve the issue among your children. 

Follow this discussion by asking him how he intends telling the wife about the paternity of the child you thought was yours. Give him the opportunity of telling you how he wants the issue of his wife and your wife handled. Don’t forget you are also a victim like his wife. He is the lead character in this game hence should have the panacea to its solution. 

Even though he has not treated you like a father, find it in your heart to help him make amends with his wife. With the help of the other children, call the wife and plead with her on his behalf. 

Your role in all these doesn’t end with just talking to the children. As a father, ensure you go in search for a spiritual solution because what affects the head will eventually affect the entire body. Involve your pastor for the spiritual aspect. He has sown a bitter seed, which only the mercy of God can avert in his life as well as those of his children. If you don’t do it because of him, do it for the sake of your grandchildren who would suffer for something they know nothing of. 

What your son did carries a severe spiritual punishment. 

Only your complete forgiveness can help protect him and his children from the repercussion of what he did to you. Leave all the judgment to God and do your bit as the loving and caring father you pride yourself to be. The wisdom of the aged has taught us to accept the mysteries of life with graciousness that comes from the knowledge that there is nothing new under the sun. It is the only way you can fulfill your wish of living a united family behind. 

Ask for the strength and mercy of God. It is important because as parents and adults we do sometimes unknowingly sow seeds in the journey of life that come back to hunt us through our children.

Good luck.