His parents uncooperative, but we are in love

Dear Agatha,

I am in a relationship that is four years old. The lady and I have the intention of getting married. However the problem I am having with her is that my parents aren’t in support of the relationship because we attend different churches. She has accepted to join me in attending my church but they still refused. I am not happy with the situation because I love her so much and derive so much happiness being with her. Please help me out.

Peter.    

Dear Peter, 

What kind of God do your parents worship? Is their God different from the one she worships in her Church? Are Jesus Christ and the Bible they use in your girlfriend’s church different from the Jesus your parents know or the Bible different from theirs? Are you marrying her church or the woman who gives you the most happiness? Is it the church that would give you the peace you desire in the marriage or the woman’s true acceptance of the ways of God? 

Our God isn’t one of confusion. He remains the same through the ages; just as his messages and words to us have remained same. It is unfortunate that more and more people have deviated from the words of God to the Church one attends. A lot of us are replacing our relationships with God to the Church we attend. We have made churches the religion we practise. It shouldn’t be so. 

Ideally, your parents should be concerned about your happiness as well as welfare in your choice of a woman. They should be interested in the kind of temperament, maturity, stability and support your choice of a woman would bring into your life and the family. What if you marry a woman who attends your church but who is lacking in respect for you and them, what would have been their gain?

You have dated this lady for four years. What are your assessments of this lady? How much improvement has she brought into your life? Marriage is about effective communication. It is also about being able to look the other way when one of the parties is misbehaving as well as the endurance to withstand the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home. It is only when two agree in body and spirit to be one that they can have the perfect kind of understanding required to make an ideal home. 

This kind doesn’t come from attending the same church but from a perfect understanding of each other as well as what they want to achieve through their union. It also comes from having a clear understanding of what God requires and not necessarily from the church one attends or not.

The issue here isn’t what your parents want but what you want. In the first instance you have to be man enough to take a stance on this matter. While your parents have the right to their opinion on this issue, the choice is yours to make, not theirs. They may be your parents, but they aren’t you. What worked for them may not work for you hence the need for you at this early stage to take charge of your affairs to prevent the kind of interference that might destroy your home even before it has the chance to form its identity. 

Even though wives are generally touted to be the cause of disputes between their mothers-in-law and their husbands, reality has shown that in some homes, the men unwittingly lay the foundation for such volatile situation in their marriages even before the woman comes in. Yours is a typical example of this kind of situation. By giving your parents too much say in issues regarding your choice of a wife, you give them especially your mother the permanent key to come and go as she likes in your marriage.

Beyond the issue of church, is another reason your parents aren’t willing to tell you. If truly the issue of the church is what they are bothered about, the offer by the lady to change to your church should have taken care of that particular problem. 

By still insisting they don’t want her, underscores reasons they haven’t still told you. It demands they tell you their motive for not wanting this lady in your life. Make them understand that without you knowing precisely what they want from you, it would be difficult to fault this lady on account of what they are giving as their reason. 

As a man, you should also be able to tell them what informed your choice of this woman from among the lot you dated. You must be able to convince them that you know what you are doing by pointing out to them her unique features and how you may find these qualities difficult to replace in another woman. 

Chances are they may be worried about your readiness to marry hence their desire to help you manage your affairs by insisting on a lady from the same church as you. They probably think such a lady would be under the control and management of the church hence less likely to misbehave and cause problems for you and them in the home.

The onus is sincerely on you to tell them that not only are you in love with this woman but ready as well to brace up to the challenges of having a woman under your roof.

In addition, pray for God’s guidance. It is imperative when deciding on a life partner.