Dear Agatha,
I have been into this relationship for a year and seven months. We have the intentions of getting married to each other. I engaged her in the chapel and through a blood oath. However, I notice she isn’t faithful, but she keeps insisting I don’t trust her at all. It’s painful because I don’t treat her as a girlfriend, but as a wife. I have done everything within my power to make her happy. The only thing I haven’t been able to give her is a car. Money, clothes and other gifts, I shower on her all in a bid to make her happy. I also extend to other members of her family the same considerations. I graduated last year while she is still in school.
On account of a problem I had, she came to Lagos for her Industrial Training for six months. Since coming down to Lagos, she has refused to see me and whenever I ask her why she has been avoiding coming to my place, she tells me she didn’t come to Lagos to visit me. Despite her attitude, I managed to go with a gift to see her at the place she is staying. She not only rejected it, but also told me to accept the fact that things won’t work out between us anymore, that I should let her be. It is so painful because she is the first woman I have slept with. I made a vow to God that I would only sleep with the woman whom would be the mother of my children. She is aware of this before we slept together. She is my world and I love her so much. Please tell me how to get her back.
Izu
Dear Izu,
There is nothing you can do if she is refusing to talk to you or give reasons for the change of mind. If nothing, she owes you an explanation as to why she wants the relationship terminated. As a matter of fact, if she intended a settlement, she should tell you what your offences are to enable you make amends. However if both of you are meant to be, she would definitely come back, but for now allow her be.
There is no forcing her to develop feelings she no longer has for you just as she cannot stop you from holding to what you still feel for her. Her refusal to come to your place is enough indication as well as notification from her that some things have changed between the two of you. Frankly speaking, rather than regret what is happening, you should be glad at this development even though it hurts. There is no knowing a true friend until one is experiencing some life challenges. Obviously this girl doesn’t feel what you feel for her. If she did, this is the time for her to stand by you as well as give you the necessary encouragement to move ahead irrespective of what is happening to you now. That she is ready to fly calls to question what kind of wife she would be to you.
A lot of responsibilities and commitments come with a relationship. It isn’t just about romancing and having sex, no! It takes a lot to keep it alive and functional. Besides what you have in mind isn’t just a relationship, but one you intend to end in a marriage. For this reason you must be very careful not to finish up with a partner you might not be happy with at the end of the day. Far more than the thrills of the moment, a marriage should be evenly spread in terms of spiritual, physical, financial and emotional inputs to make it holistic. The couple must be ready to endure hardship, make necessary sacrifices to propel the marriage into its safe harbours. One of those things that keep it going is support. Without a good support base, no relationship can withstand the test of time.
When the going was good, you invested in her and her family. What could have gone wrong now for her not to be available to give you all the encouragement you need to bounce back from the problem you have now? Even if you did certain things wrong in the past, now isn’t the right time for a woman you have hopes to spend the rest of your life with to go suddenly cold. It is ironic that when God is trying to save us from traumatic future problem, we in our limited knowledge do everything to remain with the problem. That you both took a blood oath is not enough reason for you to continue with a relationship that the other party is clearly no longer interested in.
Rather than waste your time insisting on what you desire, why not ask God what His plans are for you? With the help of God, the consequences of going into a blood as well as sex oaths can be broken through deliverance. By asking God through prayers to lead you to the right place and pastor, when things become this confusing, God’s presence remains the best place to stay.
Besides the peace and comfort that comes from being with Him, it also helps to point one that there are more productive directions in life. Having just graduated and going through financial crisis, you need all your energy to refocus and position yourself for the future. No man is worth his salt if he is unable to provide for a family. If she gets pregnant now, where will you put her? How will you fend for the baby and mother? You do really need to plan your life first because at this stage, it is what matters the most. Without a solid foundation for you as a man to operate on, you may find it difficult to function in your full capacity as a man, one of the reasons you seem to be having this problem with this lady. Whatever happens from this point in your relationship, know it is what God has planned happen. Don’t attempt to force her to listen to you or change her mind. Set her free to pursue her new life. As a matter of fact, you should be happy that she is putting up this attitude before marriage. What would you have done if she had done this after marriage? Learn to be grateful for the mercies of God.
Overtime you will conquer your pains and the disappointments you feel now at her seemingly betrayal of what you both shared. At God’s own appointed time, He will provide you with the right kind of woman.
Good luck
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