Dear Agatha,
First I want to appreciate you for making a very happy girl. I am a 23-year-old graduate and into events management. Remember the guy from China who wrote you on your lonely heart segment? Well, I called him and we are currently talking and making plans for the future. We both come from the same neighbouring villages and his closet friend there is from my village. As a matter of fact, I have met his people here in Nigeria. He gave me their addresses and also told them about me. We are planning towards the end of next year when he would come home to finalise everything between us. He has even promised to send his people to mine whenever I am ready. Although we haven’t met physically but the voice I hear on the phone shows he has a heart of gold. However, I was into a relationship before I met him. He wants to come and pay my bride price next month. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Some people say it’s better I get married now instead of waiting for the person I have never met. Others think I should become established in my business before thinking of marriage. Agatha, is it advisable I allow the family of the man in China to come to pay my bride price when we are yet to meet? Please help me, as I am so confused right now.
Amaka
Dear Amaka,
The answer you seek is right there in your heart. Marriage is a very personal journey. You are the only one who knows what you want from it as well as the kind of man you want besides you. Of these two men, which one makes you most happy and complete as a woman? Which one do you know has the capacity to absorb your excesses as a woman and wife? Who among them fits in your individual future plans? Has the heart and maturity to support your self-actualisation as a woman? Who among the two can transform into a friend? You must be careful as not to allow other things becloud your judgement at this critical time in your life. You must appreciate that marriage isn’t about the now, but more of the future. The now feelings for every couple always come in all the beautiful colours of the rainbows, making every move appear glorious and wonderful. But experience has shown that these colours don’t last beyond the ceremony when the faults will begin to manifest. The perfect partner before the wedding may become the most hideous person on earth. This is the challenge of two people from different family backgrounds, values and orientations coming together to make a home. Many couples simply get lost at this point of realigning family values as well as all the other things that need to be aligned for the marriage to succeed. If the couple lack the concomitant determination as well as friendship to face all the changes together, chances of the marriage working is slim. This is why you must be truthful to yourself at this nascent stage. The truth you refuse to admit now will definitely go somewhere to wait for you in the future, to either congratulate or mock your limited wisdom of the many shades of life. Your choice of a husband must come from your own deep understanding of what the institution represents. No matter how perfect your partner is, without you having that appreciation of what you are going into and the amount of sacrifices along every turn you have to make for the success of the marriage, it will never work. Besides, you also have to be very honest about your feelings and wants in life. To get it right, you have to be contented at every point with what you have. If you were, you wouldn’t be contacted the second guy or having the problem of making the right choice between these two men. Lack of a clear direction and sincerity on your part, made you to get in touch with the one based in China. Were you contented with your first boyfriend, you wouldn’t have. So from this point, learn the importance of contentment in a relationship. If you lack what it takes to make a relationship work, no matter who you decide on among these men, it still won’t work, because marriage goes beyond payment of the bride price to the values you, as a woman, play up. At this point, it is imperative you go to God in prayers to help you make sense of the confusion you have unwittingly dragged yourself into.
Good luck.
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