Her lackadaisical attitude worries me…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column. Want to express my appreciation. Agatha, I have noticed a trend in today’s women that is very worrisome. Most girls I know and have met seem not to like men who are really interested in and have respect for them. No matter what such men do to make them happy or impress them, they always remain indifferent.  Secondly, there is this lady I really love with all my heart. We have been dating for two years now and have already given her my commitment to marry her. She is one woman I have made up my mind never to cheat on. However, I am scared of what she feels for me. This is because she hardly calls, not even to inquire about my health.   

I travel regularly due to my kind of business. When I travel, she won’t even bother to call or ask after me unless I call. On the other hand, I call her twice a day to ask after her health. I want to know why she doesn’t care about me.  Much as I love this girl, I don’t trust her. At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Sometime I call her line and would always be busy. And whenever I ask why her line is always busy, day and night, she ends up pleading with me to understand. 

This is precisely what is giving me the concern about her.  I really suspect she is having another serious relationship, but I don’t have the evidence to confront her with.  Please, how do I go about it? I love her enough to marry, but her attitude is giving me so much concern. Indeed it is making me very suspicious. 

Jude.

  Dear Jude, Obviously there are things you are not comfortable with in this relationship and with such huge suspicions in your mind there is no way this relationship can grow beyond this point. If it is just a matter of her not calling you regularly, it can be explained because there are still a lot of people out there who find it difficult to call regularly. 

This doesn’t make the less fond of those close to them, just that they don’t think the depth of their feelings should be measured by how many times they call their loved ones. Anyone in a relationship with this kind of person has to understand the mentality of that person, out of sight isn’t out of mind. Although communication is integral to the survival of a relationship, so also is understanding. Before you start fishing in the wrong place and getting yourself all worked up, you must first understand where and what the problems are. You have to understand her mindset first before you can come to the right conclusions about her person.  

She may not really know why you think she is fooling around on account of her not calling you as frequently as you call her. For someone, who isn’t a telephone freak, when people complain about their attitude, more often than not they wonder what the problem really is. I understand you because long time ago I also had cause to reason like you are doing and also come to the same conclusions like you have obviously arrived at. At the point I thought I couldn’t endure it anymore, convinced myself of the presence of another person, was the point he decided to listen to my complaints. That we were at least able to talk about my anger and suspicions made the situation easier to manage. In retrospect, I discovered he didn’t really change from the person he has always been, but I became more secured in the relationship because I had expelled the tension inside of me and at that point I knew no sacrifice was too much for the man I love. At the point we talked, I made up my mind not just to be happy with the choice God made for me, but also to learn to make sacrifices. 

There are points in relationships where one person must make the decision to be the one to do certain things for peace to reign. It is the essence of two people coming together. The two are supposed to compliment each other. Unless both of you, especially you, the one having all the suspicions decide to talk as frankly as possible, you may end up throwing away the important person in your life. Even if you suspect her of being in another relationship, don’t let it bother you. Instead make out time to talk to her. You need to find out what her grievances are against you. That you constantly call her doesn’t make you a saint. She too may be having misgivings about you. 

If you are a businessman constantly on the move, for the sake of peace, you have to integrate her into one of your trips to give her a full view of the kind of business you do as well as its demands. You too must also come unannounced to her place to dispel that feeling of distrust now eating at you. Everywoman, no matter how tough, needs the company of her man from time to time. 

Your being away on these business trips represent loneliness as well as thoughts of you having other girlfriends in these areas you go to. For a woman who isn’t strong willed and who listens to her friends, it is enough excuse not to take the relationship serious hence her cold attitude towards anything you represent. To counter that nagging fear that you might end up disappointing, you have to help her appreciate that your love is real and that no other woman can hold the candle against her in your life.  At this delicate stage, you must go out of your way to make her want you sufficiently, to miss you enough to call you. She isn’t missing you because you haven’t made the right impact in her life. This isn’t about money or any of those material things. It has to do with the person you are, those little extra things that give character and definition to a relationship. You don’t get these things with money but with the amount of sacrifices you are ready to make. It has to do with the quality time, humour, friendship, respect, concern and care you give her. It also has to do with aptness at which you are able to read her moods, draw her to talk about certain things she ordinarily won’t discuss with anyone. You get this through studying her like a book for you to know how to invest yourself properly in her life. A woman is bound to miss the man who gives her so much happiness. It is the same thing for men too. No matter how a man strays, he would always return to the woman who appreciates and treats him in a very special way.  It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be right on the side of regrets. If you have dated her for two years and haven’t caught her with another man, there is the real need to be careful in coming to the final conclusions that she may not be faithful to you. Until you talk to her and get evidence, keep an opened mind. Love is sometimes very foolish and has the elasticity to accommodate everything. However, learn to pray also because at times God uses minor things like that to push us away from making the wrong choice in life, especially if He has a need of us. 

Good luck.