Before she’s off with another man too…

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem bothering me. I have been in and out of relationships with girls who at first profess to love me as much as I love them. But strangely all these girls end up leaving me to marry other men. They all end up inviting me to come for their wedding ceremony. Each time this happens, it is like celebrating my own failures as a man.  

I am currently in my final year at the university. Recently, I lost another close friend to another man through marriage. For real, if I have the right financial standing, I would have made the proposal before this other guy did.  

Considering my age factor and other things, I have never regretted my decisions. Currently there are two girls in my life I really care about especially as they appreciate me for who I am. 

One is in her final year. Though engaged, we talk and flow well, share quiet moments and feel what the other feels. Considering the fact that she is engaged, I am willing to let her go.

The other one is currently serving the nation. I have known her for a long time. In fact she meets my requirements in a woman. I would give her 90 percent. Considering finance, the compulsory one year service to the nation, settling down as a man, time constraints on the girl and fear of losing a girl I love to another man, I don’t know what to do. Do I propose to this girl or let her be? I am confused.

Confused Man. 

Dear Confused Man, 

There is always time and season for everything. In your final year at the university, your preoccupation now should be making good grades and insuring your future. If you concentrate too much on this woman now, it may act as distraction to you. There is no point you get to in life that you can’t marry. 

Besides, this lady you are interested in is already a graduate and serving the nation. She has an edge over you, because you are just in your final year. This is the first disadvantage for you. By the time you are out, she would have since moved on to other things. Like you rightly observed the woman’s shelf-span is limited. Even if she loves you sufficiently to accept your proposal, would the reality on ground give her the needed patience to wait for you considering the fact that there are no guarantees of when you are likely to get a job to get the process of marriage started? Even if we all pretend that money isn’t essential to marriage, the truth is that for a man to take on a wife, he has to have money to rent a house as well as attend to the responsibilities that come with the marriage. Not all babies are deterred by family planning techniques. So many babies have been known to come when their parents least expect them. This is why you must have something to fall back on before contemplating marriage.  All these women failed you because they were way beyond you. Love isn’t the only perquisite for a successful marriage. No matter how much love a couple has for each other, when confronted with the harsh economic situation, it requires understanding, tolerance, commitment, selflessness as well as wisdom to sustain it. 

It would require an extraordinary commitment on the part of this lady in question to accept your offer knowing that you may not be ready in the next five years to settle down. Considering the mystery of the future, it would require more than declaration of love on your part to make her bury the fear everywoman who makes such sacrifices have of waiting endlessly for a man. 

On your part, do you think she is the kind of woman you will never tire of? The one who has that something extra to keep you happy? Does she meet the status of your dream woman? You have to derive happiness from your relationship with her to make you want her for life.  This is important if you have been experiencing disappointments in your relationships. Until you have a very clear picture of the kind of life you want and the kind of woman that would help you achieve it. Don’t make an offer to this woman, to avoid regrets or avoidable situations later in life. It would be so unfair to tie her down to commitment unless you are absolutely sure you have the strength, guts and vision to make the difference in your life as well as hers.

Good luck.