As we set for altar her old man emerges…

Dear Agatha, 

I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say thank you for the good work you are doing. God will bless and give you more wisdom to take care of your own problems too. 

I need your candid thought and advise on this issue I want to share with you.

I met this lady for the first time in my church. She actually came for counselling.  We got acquainted and since then we have kept in touch on telephone. 

She was always telling me how her mother desired her to get married. I was happy myself because I also wanted to get married. Subsequently, I didn’t waste time to propose to her. She was happy and we actually talked about the day we’d travel.

However, she later called me to inform me that her boyfriend whom she had lost contact with was around. She deleted her mother’s number from my phone, carried her picture from my house and she avoided taking my calls. We had a heated argument in her salon where she denied me. 

She later called me when she got to say if she didn’t love me she wouldn’t have taken me to see her mother and friends. 

But she is still not picking my calls and says she is testing me to know my level of commitment to her as well as temperament.

Please I need your help here. What do you think I should do? I love this lady with all my heart.

Lover Boy.

Dear Lover Boy, 

Step aside and allow her to make up her mind on what she wants from life. Obviously, she hasn’t made up her mind whether to quit the former relationship or not. 

If you pressure her to do it your way, you will end up regretting it because there is the danger that she might want to go back to her former boyfriend. By then you would have gotten used to having her in your life multiplying the gravity of your heartache as well as disappointments, unless she comes of her own volition, she will constantly compare you to the other man as well as wonder what life would have been had she decided on the other man. 

Deleting her mother’s number and denying knowing you in public are enough indications that she hasn’t really made up her mind about you. You may want her but until she wants you sufficiently enough to declare you in public, no amount of pressures from you would make her have a convincing change of mind about you. 

The bit about testing you to know what your temperament is like or your level of commitment to her isn’t true. These are simply excuses to mask what her true feelings for you and the other man are. Because you are constantly around her, she may not fully appreciate the qualities you have. 

Marriage is a complex journey that requires absolute trust, confidence, and plenty of sacrifices to make it work. For all these to function well, the couple involved must first experience and develop the confidence in each other to make them work as a team. In a situation where either of the parties is having doubts about the quality of feelings involved in the partnership, moving that relationship forward would definitely become a huge problem. 

You know deep down that you love her sufficiently enough to overlook her shortcomings, but does she love you enough to forgive you same offence? Has she the kind of feelings for you that would make her make sacrifices for you, the relationship and the family when you both get to that crossroad in life?

Sincerely, unless she has enough respect and love for you that come from the depth of a woman’s heart, you may not have the kind of life you envisage with her. If something isn’t wrong with her feelings for you, there is no need for her to avoid taking your calls.

For the sake of posterity however, just don’t walk away. Go to her and tell her what your conclusions are on the matter. This is to avoid her blaming you for anything. 

If she were meant to be yours, things would work out, but if not God would bring someone else to make you happy. Always remember that when things don’t work according to our plans in life, God is preparing a banquet. Yes, you are hurting but it is best you hurt today than tomorrow when you may not have the emotional stamina and time to make a quick recovery. Hearts are meant to be broken and also to be mended when the right time comes.

Good luck.