My Supposed Admirer Snubbed Me

Dear Agatha,

I’m a very ardent reader of your articles. You have been highly blessed with a gift that is so rare and I thank God for that.

I need your candid thoughts and advice on something I did nearly two years ago that has constantly bothered me thereafter.

It actually began about four years ago when a guy in my church started to show interest in me. He would constantly stare at me and give me those puppy dog looks. He would completely forget himself whenever I share a space with him. It got so bad that he followed me around. Whenever it was time to share the grace in fellowship, he would make sure he came over to hold my hands and sometimes his hands would even tremble. I was 19 years old then, and had never been in any relationship. He was 22 years old.

At first, I knew that he liked me but I desperately tried to avoid him for the following reasons: Every girl practically threw herself at him because apart from being young, he also has a rich family. Furthermore, he was shy.

Back then, I too was extremely shy. I suffered from self-extreme and really didn’t feel like I deserved his love.

Besides, I knew about three other girls in the church he had dated, most of them very rich and come from influential families. He also had a reputation for staring at girls’ back then. 

Along the line, I found that I had fallen desperately in love with him; so, I decided to be more opened to him with the intention that we would get to talk about what was happening. I tried being friendly with him but he was so shy and would rather stare at me than talk to me. It was really a painful period in my life.

Anyway, all this went on for nearly two years until one day, just before my 21st birthday, something in me just snapped and I decided I was going to talk to him about it. I told myself that I was ready for whatever was going to happen. I just needed direction for my life at that time and needed to know where I was headed with him.

To cut a long story short, I went over to his office and asked him his plans for me. To my utter horror and disappointment, he looked at me in the eyes and told me that I was assuming too much into the relationship and that contrary to the impression I had of him that he was always starring at me, he never did and that he liked looking into the skies. I suspected that he may not want to tell the truth, but I never expected him to lie. After that day, he made sure he was more in controlled of the movement of his eyes. From that point I never caught him again looking at me. He also made a point afterwards of bringing a different woman to church every Sunday.

I was very hurt and bitter at the beginning. 

Since then, I haven’t fallen so hard for any man. I have honestly learned also to avoid him like a plague.

The question I want to ask you which has hunted me since that day is, did I make a right decision by going to ask him? The truth is that if I hadn’t asked, I would never have known the truth. But all my friends think I acted out of order and too forward. Please, what do you think about this and can I forgive him completely? How can I move on and pick up the pieces of my life again and fall in love?

Insomnia.

Dear Insomnia, 

There is no going through life without occasional falls, disappointments, mistakes and forgiveness. 

The issue here goes beyond whether you made a mistake with him or not. What counts now is the lesson you were supposed to have learnt from that episode. The lesson goes beyond now to the later part of your life. 

As a woman, you should be more astute, introspective and sure before jumping into a relationship. You don’t go into a relationship on account of what you think the man has in mind but what you are sure he has in mind. When you both started dating, what plans were in place? What did he tell you he wanted from you? What did you both agree on that you were going to do with the relationship?

What was the two years you spent in the relationship all about? Obviously you went into a relationship without first discussing the essence of or plans for it. 

Had you done that from the beginning you would have known his reasons for wanting you or the simple fact of who or what he was always starring at. You got a little bit carried away by the heady feelings of feminine importance that develops in a woman when she is the object of a man’s persistent interest. 

This is one lesson you must keep for the rest of your life: demand for a clear definition of what any man who indicates interest in you wants from you. Granted that relationships come from the heart, it helps to know what one is really up against to make the union less stressful and become more manageable. Had you known from the beginning what his plans were for you, going to ask him when you did wouldn’t have been necessary at all. The question wouldn’t have been his plans for you but assurances to know if you both were still on the same page.

As for your asking him, there is nothing bad in what you did. Better late than never! At least, if for nothing, it helped to bring you back to reality. 

As for this man, let go of his memories. Forgive him because that is the only way you can also have peace in your life and go into another relationship with a free mind and clear focus. 

You can’t totally blame him for your own mistakes too. If there is anyone who is to blame, you are the one; you didn’t price yourself well in the first place. Men would come to ask for your heart for different reasons - they are primarily hunters. 

As the gatekeeper of your heart and body, it behooves you to be sure of what they want before going into it. That you didn’t bother to ask isn’t his fault; so count your losses and move on with your life. 

Moving on means accepting that you have the major fault. This way, it would be easier to put the whole experience behind you and look at life with more maturity and better understanding of all its angles.

Also, it is important you have a clear outline of what you want in a relationship, your life and marriage. Doing so would help you identify the kind of man that will help you achieve it. It is also imperative you have a clear vision of the kind of foundation you want to lay in the relationship. 

The kind of foundation you want would determine how well the relationship progresses. If sex is what is more important to you than who the man is, the kind of life he can offer you, that is what you will get. Relationship is more of what we invest in it.

Good luck.