I Don’t Enjoy Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am a new bride who needs advice on sex matters. My husband met me a virgin. Despite this he expects me to be very knowledgeable about the ways of men and women. My first experience wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought, going by all the excited talk my friends always have about sex, it would be a heavenly experience, but to my dismay, it turned out to be a complete let down. Not only was it very painful, it was equally stressful. 

My husband didn’t even consider the fact that it was my first time. When I complained he told me it was natural; that I would soon begin to enjoy the act.

I thought so too but we have been married for six months and there is no hope in sight for me. Rather than progress as he said, I am increasingly becoming scared of sleeping with him. I don’t enjoy his company whatsoever. He makes me sore because I am always very dry whenever he makes love to me.

My complaints about the whole thing have consistently fallen on deaf ears. I have read a lot of books to know that he is also not doing enough to help me at all. He is completely lacking in understanding of what I feel or what he puts me through each time he comes near me. I honestly feel violated but there is nothing I say that seems to make sense to him. 

What prompted me to write you is, his reference to other women he has been with and the fact that I simply cannot comprehend how to go about the whole episode of learning how to make love to protect my home. 

Agatha, please help me protect my home. Teach me how to make love to my husband to save my marriage from collapse. I don’t know who or where to turn to, as this is one topic I can’t discuss with my mother. 

Atinuke.

Dear Atinuke, 

Most men don’t understand what it takes to transform a girl to a woman. They simply don’t know that the body of a woman is more complex than that of the man and that it is more than the stroking of the breasts, caressing the body and kisses to get started and complete the journey of satisfaction between a man and woman.

It is easier for men to achieve optimum satisfaction on demand because their productive organ is placed outside their body. Besides, they are motivated by sight to get started and once on the go, most men find it absolutely easy to complete the task unlike a woman who has to be stimulated intensively to get to her peak. For a woman, the man has to take the special time to investigate her vulnerable points, her erotic zones that will not only help her achieve optimum performance but help the man too to enhance his rating.

Because there are no two women alike, irrespective of whatever experiences the man is coming with in the relationship, the woman must insist on taking him on a guide of her body’s erotic zones. Just like there are no two women alike, men too differ in their approach. While one man’s touch may turn a woman on in a particular place another can get her going on that particular spot. This is why a woman once naked before a man should bury all pretences and sense of morality if she intends to be one the same page with her partner.

By and large, a man can always peak with just about any woman because they are mostly excited by sight and not from what the woman is doing to their bodies therefore it is the duty of the woman to ensure she puts her patent on the man by ensuring no other woman gives him the kind of pleasure she gives him.

As a woman desperate to keep her man, this is one thing you must do. Throw away any inhibitions and go for books that are very matter of fact about the ways of adults. Even if he met you a virgin, the knowledge of sex is inbuilt in every man. What these books would do for you is simply to drag out that knowledge from the cupboard of your subconscious.

Forget the pain and way he has treated you so far in the bedroom. It is something you must rise above if you intend keeping him especially as he is proving difficult and very uncooperative.

Although what I am about to say is something a lot of people frown at but practical teaching of this subject demands absolute honesty and that is why you must begin with this task with a detailed knowledge of your body. What you don’t know, you cannot give or recognise.

Examine for yourself what your own erotic zones are; this way it is easier to lead your man through the maze that is your body. The fact that your husband appears to have lost patience with you means he may not be in the right frame of mind to go on this expedition with you hence the need for you to go first before approaching him. It is only after he is sated that he can willingly go with you full scale.

To help you overcome any inhibitions whatsoever, you must always have it at the back of your mind that you are licensed to do whatever you like with you body when with your husband. Don’t ever forget that if you don’t another woman would gladly take your place in his life and bed.

Knowing what turns you on is only a part of it; you must also keep him constantly in control of the situation by soliciting his help in making him happy. Giving him the impression that his satisfaction is your primary motive would spur him to further help you in becoming a mistress of the game. 

Another way you can be on top of the game is to follow your instincts without thinking when intimate with your husband. The problem usually comes when you try to rationalise your feelings.  Believe me when I say nature is still the best teacher. It enables a couple to transform sex to love making.

Relying on nature’s learning aid and canvas, touch and skin, the fingers can practically set the skin on fire. Once he begins to touch you allow all your erotic desires from the time you began to notice your body flow into the action. This is why babies tune in to the parent that cuddles them the most. Therefore to get him to understand you better, use more of your hands to do the talking rather than your mouth, the sense of touch is so powerful that it can convey in full measure all those things you are afraid to tell him about yourself and desires.

It is after you have taught him how you want to be handled, given him the opportunity of shaping you to fit into his fantasy that you can confidently talk to him about his initial attitude.

Good sex engineers confidence, friendship, as well as a special kind of bond between a husband and his wife. It enables a couple to share secrets they might never have shared had the right atmosphere not been created by lovemaking.

Good luck.