He Wages Cold War For Not Visiting Him At Home

Dear Agatha, 

I’m so much happy at the way you treat issues. I also hope that mine will be solved too. I’m 20 years of age in one of the Nigerian higher institutions and in love with a 29-year-old graduate for over two years.

Things were okay between us until the beginning of this year when his behaviour towards me started to change. This has decreased the number of times he calls me to twice a week unlike before when his calls were twice a day. 

When I demanded for explanations he didn’t have any to give and since the beginning of last month, I have been the one doing all the calls. 

Being in school, I hardly have time to honour his several invitations that I come over to his house, a development he sees as an excuse to conceal the fact, his opinion, of the presence of another man in my life. I have tried explaining my reasons for not having enough time for him, but he won’t listen. 

Things are so bad between us that he neither calls nor picks my calls again. And when he does, maybe out of mistake he tells me he is busy. I sent my cousin to ask him what I had done wrong. He told her I didn’t do anything but that he has been very busy too. 

Agatha, please tell me what to do since I am losing concentration in my studies. I also want to know if I should continue with him or not. 

Peace.

Dear Peace, 

Sincerely, there is nothing to this. What I see is a misunderstanding of your situations. He wants to see more of you while you want to concentrate more on your studies. He thinks as his girlfriend, his interest must top your agenda and that not coming to him when he wants your company is a signal that there is someone else in your life distracting you from having time for him. 

He needs you to explain to him properly why you don’t seem to have enough time for him. He may have passed through the process you are going through with your studies, you still need him to understand that this is when you need him the most, to support, counsel and guide you to attaining tremendous success in your learning.

Relationship strives best on effective communication. He has to know that at all times you have his interests at heart whether you have the time or not to see him.

Refusing to call or respond to your text messages is a subtle attempt at making you realise his displeasure as well as press home his point that two can play a game of indifference. Unfortunately, in this kind of game, love and your relationship is the victim. 

Find time if you can to go to him. There is no sacrifice too high to make for love. If you truly love this man, make time out to resolve the issue to avoid regrets in life. There is never a smooth journey or one that doesn’t necessitate a measure of self-sacrifice, patience and determination to make it work. You need him just as he needs you if your over two years relationship is to move beyond the point it is now. 

It also shows that you two have to address critical issues you have in the past ignored as a dating couple. This requires absolute honestly and commitment to make things work. In achieving this, you must first of all critique your relationship in the last two years. Are you both satisfied with the progress? Has it met your aspirations? What value has it added to the lives of both of you? What do you find most interesting about him and what do you dislike the most in him? What would like changed in this relationship?

Some of your repressed disappointment may actually come from dissatisfaction with the way both of you have conducted the relationship, hence your need to make the necessary move to reconcile your obvious differences.

If both of you have made the mistake of elevating sex to the detriment of all the other aspects of a relationship, then it is time to reconsider your priorities because those things are what can make your relationship work. Important as sex is, you must first lay the right foundations for sex to be meaningful. The truth is you cannot use sex to replace effective communication and friendship in a relationship. You must first be friends to grow the much-needed trust to move a relationship into its right port. 

The issue you are having with your man bothers on trust. It is only after you go to him to talk that you can make up your mind on what to do.

Good luck.