I Don’t Want To Sleep With My Husband

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for 16 years and I have four children for my husband. I love him but hate ‘recycling’ sex; that is having sex with all the different women my husband is having affairs with. No matter how hard I try, I don’t enjoy sex with him due to his recurring infidelity. That I am aware of his affairs, especially with young girls, makes me feel irritated especially if he makes sexual advances at me. Please help me; what do I do?

•Very Worried Woman.

Dear Very Worried Woman, 

Honestly, a lot would depend on the passion you agree to put into this marriage. Refusing to cooperate with him sexually would further drive him into the hands of these other women. Don’t forget he didn’t need an excuse to begin to sleep with these women in the first place, so denying him sex would not only legitimise his reason, but make him more determined to continue in his ways.

Much as you are hurting and feeling emotionally abused by his serial betrayal, you must at this point break it down to what is most basic to you in your marriage. There is no perfect relationship or marriage anywhere just, great determination to make it work at all cost. The naked truth is how much do you want this marriage in spite of the emotional aches it is causing you?

This is the time for you to peel off the many layers covering the marriage to enable you look at what is most essential. After 16 years of marriage; it has gathered so much dust, cobwebs that should not have been allowed to be in the first place. Over the years, you have each taken so many things for granted, so much so you are unwittingly hurting each other without even meaning to. There is no contesting the fact that along the line you must have done something to hurt him as well as his pride as a man. Familiarity with our spouses does make some women misbehave to the extend we take things we shouldn’t take for granted in our marriages. To help yourself, you must go back in time to when this habit of his started. Has he always been a womaniser? If yes, why did you marry him? If you knew and still went ahead to marry him, it means you made up your mind from the beginning to share your man with several other women. 

To deny him sex based on a fault you had always known him with is unfair because by now you should have been used to it and fathomed ways of getting around this habit of his. 

Much as I understand your pains and disappointments as a woman, to prevent the greater tragedy of you coming up with an emotionally induced related health problem. Having made up your mind to marry him with this fault, you must grow the concomitant determination to cope. To do this, there is the need for you to sit him down to draw new rules concerning his affairs. 

Let him know that while you have made your choice when you married him 16 years ago, he should reciprocate your respect for him by ensuring he keeps his many affairs off your space; it is important he knows how flaunting his affairs is affecting you emotionally and psychologically. 

It is important to your well-being that you adopt a very realistic approach to it. Refusing him sex isn’t a panacea but confronting him with your true feelings might just be what he needs to make him more responsible. Letting him know that while you don’t begrudge him the liberty of his manhood and that since you obviously lack the expertise and quality to make him stay faithful to you; keeping these women out of your knowledge will help both of you have a enduring and happier marriage. 

That you decided to deny him of your body because you are feeling hurt and desperate to have him to yourself. That as his wife, you feel you have the first right to his attention but, you are willing to let him have his way as long as he doesn’t embarrass you in the process.

But if he didn’t begin like this; caught the bug after your wedding to him; it is obvious you are not entirely blameless. To help you properly resolve this challenge, there is the need for you to be honest. Retrace your steps to the beginning. Is there any habit you picked up along the line that could have pushed him into the waiting arms of these other women? 

Do you nag? Do you have this uncaring attitude, which tells him he has no choice when it comes to matters concerning you? Do you treat him like the head of the family? A lot of time, what the woman in the house refuses to do is what these other women outside are willing to do without even the man demanding it of them. This is because they take their cue from the mistake of the woman at home. The things the woman in the house think is ridiculous and beneath her are precisely what these other women gladly do. Sometimes, when the man demands for sex in a particular way and the woman in the house is reluctant to experiment, it means he is on his way out to getting it the way he wants it.

Think of the things he has kept complaining about, which all along you have refused to do and begin to do them; you may not like it but for the purpose of keeping your marriage alive and functional, learn to do them without complaining. 

You may also have to look at your sexual performance generally. Rather than deny him, there is the need for you to overhaul your sexual performance, which may have become stale. Read up books on new and adventures moves that will get him coming back to ask for more. Let your imagination run wild. If sex is the reason he is going out, suffocate him with new and innovative ideas. Frankly, this is the time to give him too much of it. In a war situation, everything is fair so use what you legitimately have to fight for what you want.

There might be the need for you to woo him; get him gifts, shower him with care; get interested in his hobbies, person and business. Even when he appears not to be listening to you, generate a discussion relating to his business interest. It helps to be prepared to be ignored in your first attempts but persistence would see him capitulating to you later. When it comes to getting back what is yours, shame is the least thing to worry about. Don’t forget that though you are the one being hurt, his male ego will never allow him to say sorry first for fear of being rejected. Deep down he knows he is causing you so much pain, but don’t allow it overshadow you from doing what you have to do for peace in your home. Sometimes we have to stoop to conquer.

Patience has never been known to fail. The fact that he is still willing to go on with the marriage despite the several women he is involved with shows that he still considers you the best among all the women he knows. Don’t throw away this advantage by denying him his right. 

By the time you peel off the layers, you will know what is important which from all you have said; is your love for him. True love is a special gift because it is able to cover up so many faults and dull pains that come from disappointment. 

He has disappointed you beyond measure but if you really love him, no matter what happens, you will always have the determination to keep going.

At this stage, learn to be patient and prayerful. As a woman, many of your battles should be fought on your knees through prayers. It is the old time panacea to many strange battles we daily face in life. God has never failed to answer prayers.

If you are looking for an excuse to buy him presents or invite him out, use the excuse provided by tomorrow, Valentine’s Day to give him one or two lessons in the bedroom.

Good luck.