Before My Dirty Past Shuts Me Out Of His Heart

Dear Agatha,

As a child, I was sexually molested by my neighbours and one of my cousins, I never knew what it meant till I entered secondary school. I usually avoid anything that puts me in that situation. I have gone through counselling, healed and forgave them all. I have dated, but never given myself to anyone. Now, am in a very serious, but distance relationship, I will be returning finally to Lagos soon. My boyfriend appreciates openness about the past a lot. I am very sure he thinks I am a virgin, since he has never touched me. Am I supposed to tell him about the molestation? What will I do when he asks who my first was?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous, 

The truth! There is no substitute to being honesty. Whether you tell him or not he would still find out. You didn’t ask to be raped, you were violated against your will at an age you lacked the power or knowledge to fight back. 

Rape isn’t something any woman plans for, wants to experience or proud of. Granted, it is dirty and the most harrowing experience any woman can go through. There is a lot to be achieved emotionally and psychologically by discussing it with your man. The essence of telling him is to arm him with the required understanding to handle you. The understanding a raped woman needs from her man is quiet different from the one a woman who hasn’t the experience needs. You have to arm him with knowledge of your past, so he isn’t careless in bringing up memories you are trying to forget completely. This is because there are days you may not want to make love and he is in one of his high moods when nothing you say would make sense to him until he appeases his urges. Men are known to out of character when in such moods. While a woman, who hasn’t experienced sexual violence may think nothing of it, cope beautifully with her man’s out of character behaviour, for a woman who has been violated, it would only bring back memories of her experience, which could make her begin to loathe and eventually hate her husband without her intending to.

Though you have gone through counselling and have been healed, he still should be told because the memory of rape is something that never goes away. It isn’t an issue a woman should keep away from her man, because a violated woman would always need the help and understanding of her man to be completely healed and totally relaxed to enjoy full intimacy.

At any rate, he would know from first time he sleeps with you that you are not a virgin. By then nothing you tell him about your experiences will sound as the truth anymore. You would have destroyed his trust for you and any chance of happiness the two of you may have together. 

He might even think your story as an after thought, but telling him now would address many grey areas that would have come up as well as instigate in him the right kind of sympathy for your emotions and needs. A man who truly loves you will stay and give you all the protection you need to feel comfortable.

The truth is you will always need the co-operation of your man to overcome the memories of that dark period of your life. 

Good luck.