Dear Agatha,
I am 27 years of age. There is this man I am dating who takes delight making love to other women but refuses to have anything to do with me. I am happened to know all about his other affairs.
Whenever I spend the night at his place, I feel the deprivation of his refusal to touch me.
I suspect he is tired of me. I am equally frustrated at his behaviour.
My major challenge now is the fear of remaining faithful to him if we end up marrying. I don't want a situation where after marriage I would go out to sleep with other men on account of my man refusing to make love to me. I don't know what I have done wrong.
Each night we sleep on the same bed is torture for me. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
When you both started, what was the agreement between you? Did you, at any point, tell or give him the impression that you would rather wait until your wedding night before giving your body to him? Did you react violently or unwillingly at any point to his touch? At the very nascent days of your relationship what views did you both exchange on premarital sex?
That he is unwilling to have sex with you, and he does it with other women, which shows what happened while negotiating the terms of your relationship.
If he went away with the impression that you prefer to preserve yourself for him until your wedding night, in order not to offend you, he would continue to avoid you, not because he doesn't desire you in the way men desire women or love you but out of respect for your person.
His attitude may be influenced by fear of losing or defaming you. His idea could be that of preserving his best for the last. He might be sleeping with other women because, unlike you, he cannot put himself under the same discipline. That he is chasing after the flesh of the other women isn't enough evidence to assume he doesn't love or care about you. He is having all these affairs because he lacks the will to be disciplined. This happens mostly where the man isn't convinced about the reason for his woman's refusal to have sex with him before marriage but allows her be, due to his love for her.
Viewing his refusal to make love to you as an act calculated at causing your pains or at making you quit the relationship would get both of you nowhere. What would rather help you is developing the maturity to deal with the issue at sake.
There is no way he would know how you feel if you don't tell him about your desires. If you want him to make love to you, tell him the truth about what you want, your desire to share an intimacy with him. Let him know that whatever you may have said or impression given earlier no longer holds.
Relationships strive only on outright honesty. Unless there is an aspect of this relationship you are not telling me, there is nothing stopping you from telling him what you want. When two people are in love and in a relationship, there should be no pretences or hidden desires. Pride only destroys what is meant to be beautiful, since sex is so much of an issue with you, why pretend you are okay with the arrangement you both have? If you are unhappy that he is giving himself to other women when you should be the one getting all of him, of what use is you pretending that all is well when in actual fact you are hurting so much inside of you? It doesn't make any sense or serve any purpose beyond destroying a relationship you obviously desire.
Be bold to get your view across to him. Tell him precisely what you think of him as a person, including your desires for the relationship. Listen to his reasons too. This would enable both of you come to an agreement that would make both of you extremely happy.
Your relationship is not what about anybody or group of persons feel but what works for you. You and your boyfriend are at the centre of this; nobody feels what you feel or appreciate the issues more. When you are truthful to yourself at all times, you will learn to be happy.
Even if you leave him for another man and still refuse to be honest in that relationship, you will still have the same problem. It is either you are in a relationship and do everything to make it work or out of it by pretending to be who you are not.
Not everybody has the discipline to resist sex and be happy. The danger of bottling up so much is falling when you least expect. If you don't speak now on the issue, you may not have to wait until you are married to start an affair with someone else. Somebody somewhere may catch you in one of your moods and before you know it find yourself giving in to his demands. You only get to feel the remorse after it has happened by which time the damage would have been done. By then, it would be too late for your boyfriend to reason with you or understand how you feel. Sex is a huge temptation which must never be allowed to grow wings before it is addressed logically.
Good luck.
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