Zero Sincerity Over Her Virginity Makes Vanity Of Our Deal

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am 27 years old while my girl is in her mid 20s.

I relocated to the United States of America (U.S.A.) to go further on my education, when our relationship was two years old. We love each other dearly and made a vow to hold on to each other.

She was a virgin when I left her but few days after my arrival we eventually made love and I noticed she never bleed, as traditional for a woman making love for the first time. This made me angry and at the same time curious to know if it's naturally possible for a virgin not to bleed at her first sexual intercourse. She claimed to have bled in the bathroom hours later, a claim I still doubt. I would like to hear your opinion about this issue because our relationship is going through tough times at the moment. I don't really think I trust her anymore.

O.Y.

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Dear O.Y.,

Yes, it is possible for a woman not to bleed at her first sexual experience if she is an energetic woman, who engages in physical exercises. She could also have her hymen broken, a fragile thin mucous membrane that partially or completely seals up the opening of the vagina.

Women, who indulge in exercises or are into sports, more often than not, unknowingly have this membrane broken before they actually have sex. Sometimes a tampon could also break it without the woman knowing she has lost her seal. That however doesn't make her less of a virgin like the woman whose membrane is still intact.

It could also be true that she bleed later. This is because the body is built differently. Because of the delicate nature of the membrane it is not a completely foul-proof tool to judge if a woman is a virgin or not.

Rather, the nature of her body at the point of penetration would tell if she is freshly initiated or an experienced one. Granted that some women have zeroed in on some methods to keep their bodies tight, but an experienced man would know the fake from the real one. A woman making love for the first time would be tight all the way and would feel a certain apprehension at the point of contact, no matter how considerate the man is.

It is a natural instinct against hurt and pain. A certain tension and apprehension come with the first thrust.

Beyond all these is the issue of trust. Sometimes, we need to look beyond the evidences of things we see to make a relationship work. What is most important to you in this relationship? Her virginity or her person? At this crucial time that your relationship is going through crisis, you need deep reflections to save it from the abyss.

Since there is no physical evidence to prove she has kept to her side of the bargain, you just have to rely on what you know of her before this unfortunate episode.

Is she the type of woman who is capable of lying to you? Has she ever lied to you or told half truths? In your years together at least up to the point at which you both made love, has she ever given you any reason to doubt her loyalty to you or regret having anything to do with her?

What are the qualities you like the most about her? Can you find them in another woman?

Have you considered challenging her with your suspicions; telling her pointblank what you think of her story and what you suspect? Telling her how you feel and what you think of her story as well as your possible line of action may make her tell you the complete truth concerning what she did while you were away.

A lot would also depend on your ability to forgive her because if she suspects you may never forgive her, she may not tell you the whole truth.

Sincerely, only your ability to forgive and forget the incident can help you both move forward because at this point, nothing she says, telling the truth or lie, that would ever make you believe she didn't cheat on you. You simply have to rely on the viability, desirability as well as importance of your dreams together to continue with her.

Good luck.