Dear Agatha,
I am 27 years of age in a year old relationship. We met after he broke up with his former girlfriend. However, he decided to go back to her in the cause of our relationship due to pressures from his friends as well as the girl.
According to him, he decided to go back to her on account of what he considered my inability to satisfy his needs. Despite this reason, he insisted he won't give up his relationship with me. In between, he proposed marriage to me. I recall asking him then if he had a choice between his former girlfriend and me. I demanded to know, who among us he would prefer for a wife. He was honest enough to tell me that he would settle for the other lady on account of being childhood friends and not necessarily because he was so smitten over her.
Now, he is begging me to forgive him as well as give him sometime to call off the relationship between them. His new position has to do with his recent discovery that she is an outcast.
Agatha, would he have come back to me if he didn't find out that she is an outcast? Do you think he loves me? Should I agree to this relationship? I am really depressed and very confused at what to do.
Jaykay.
Dear Jaykay,
The first mistake you made was allow him talk you into staying on when he decided to go back to the other lady. If you had any self-worth, you would have called it off the moment he decided to go back to his former girlfriend. You should not have allowed him to persuade you to stay on.
That you stayed on showed some sort of desperation on your part to have him at all cost, hence his insensitivity to your feelings. Had you, at the time, left him to pursue his relationship with this other lady without you staying on, you would have earned yourself some measure of respect from him. Not that he wouldn't have come back if he realised you were the one he preferred but to stay on while he makes up his mind on what he really wants from life isn't in your best interest at all.
He can't eat and still have his cake. If he actually has any deep feelings for you, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. Sincerely, there is nothing to be confused over in this matter because from his behaviour he has demonstrated his little need of you in his life.
A man who wants a woman would do everything to make her happy. From the way he is treating both of you, it is very clear he doesn't care about either of you just as he doesn't know what he wants from life.
He went back to the other lady on account of you not being able to meet his needs. Have you bothered to ask yourself why he still wants you around him when he has told you, you are unable to meet his needs? Isn't that a good reason for him to always have an affair outside you? What makes you think you would now be able to meet his needs with this other girl out of the picture?
What precisely are the needs he is complaining about? Sexual needs or what? Before he went back to the other lady, did he ever complain about your inability to meet his needs? What efforts did he put in helping you measure up to his standards? Even if you know next to nothing about lovemaking, the right thing is for him to teach you not to dump you on account of it. We go into relationship to improve on things we know and know those things we are ignorant of. There are always a lot of things to be learnt in a relationship. It is supposed to be a field of knowledge; not one in which ignorance now count as an offence.
A man really passionate about his woman doesn't leave her on account of her shortcomings; rather he devotes time to helping her overcome them. Did he do that for you? Love is all about sacrifices. You don't fall in love or stay in a relationship because everything is going your way. A good relationship is one that the two parties are able to re-invest themselves at every turn. Without his willingness to invest in this relationship, there is no way you can be happy in it because no matter how much you try, he would always have an excuse to make you feel inadequate.
That he is willing to run from the other lady on account of her outcast status shows that it is not simply a case of you being able to satisfy him but that of him knowing what precisely he wants from life and also of a willingness to settle down.
You don't need a crystal ball to tell a man who is ready to settle down. A man who knows what he wants would not give up the woman of his dreams without a fight. He would put into account all the other qualities the woman has that would make the risk of going against the wish of his family or the others worth taking.
Is he saying that there is nothing worth fighting for in this woman to make him stand by her in her time of need; even if it means being abandoned by his family? What risk is he ready to make for love?
Frankly, there are no assurances with this type of man. There would always be a reason for him to leave you again for another woman anytime he feels the pressures are becoming too much for him.
The inherent reason for his actions is fear over the future. He is not ready for the type of commitments you and the other woman may be looking for. Until he is ready, he would keep coming with bouquets of excuses to go from one woman to the other.
He doesn't love either of you. He is only in love with himself, his own comfort as well as those things that make him happy. Asking you to stay on with him while he thinks of a way of doing away with the other woman is yet another way of making sure none of you is really in charge of his life.
If you stay on, it is at your own risk. Because he is the only one with the timetable of how long it would take him to be ready. His time could be forever. And where would that leave you?
In your own interest, give him up and give yourself the freedom to love another man.
There is nothing solid about this relationship to warrant you staying on. If you two are at the end of the day meant to be together; it won't be under this present situation. New conditions, allegiances, commitments have to be worked out if you insist on having this relationship for yourself.
The danger of you allowing it to grow in its present format is that you may end up with more bitterness and disappointment as the days roll by, than you are currently, because he would keep treating you without considerations for your person or feelings. So, don't be afraid to give him up because you really don't have him in the first place. What you have is cloud, which would soon disappear. Work for substance, something that would leave you fulfilled as a woman and person.
No relationship is worth your self-esteem. The moment a relationship tears up the esteem of one of its partners, it is best that it is rested else it would leave the vulnerable party too damaged to start afresh. The tragedy of life is not in falling but being able to stand up again. If you think at 27, you don't have all the time in the world to begin something new, you would never be able to enjoy fully all those promises that go with being married.
This man isn't doing you any big favour by keeping you in his life. So, don't give him the impression that you cannot live without him, because that would be your greatest undoing in life.
He would continue to make you unhappy as long as you continue to give him the chance to hurt you.
Good luck.
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