Dear Agatha,
I would say I have been so unfortunate in my relationships. I have fallen in love severally with different men, who despite my various attempts to please them, still abandon me for another girl. I don’t know what to do any more or where the fault is coming from. As a matter of fact, I don’t understand what the problems seem to be. Please tell me what to do.
Tina.
Dear Tina,
Several reasons are responsible for failed relationships, and in your case, the actual problem may not be unconnected with your values.
Many young women find themselves in unworkable relationships as well as difficult emotional situations due to their own faults.
Many women assume they know what men want hence acting on their own scripts execute their agenda without first asking the man what he wants and thinks.
You say these men still leave you for other girls despite everything you do to please them? Have you ever wondered if what you do to please them is really pleasing to them? Or simply present you as a desperate and cheap girl?
Contrary to what many contemporary young ladies think, men still cherish women who are conservative who allow the men take charge. Men naturally like taking the initiative after all, they are the ones whose lives, names as well as homes the women are coming to take offer hence reserve the right to make their choice.
Yes, being natural hunters, men would always take what a woman has on offer but when it comes to the choice of who shares their space for life, most men want to be the one who has the final say, and not the woman. This is the reason most men after dating and having free sex with one particular woman look for another woman to marry.
Although men are forever demanding for sex from their dates, when it comes to the issue of marriage, men put so many other things into consideration; for them, good or free sex isn’t a good reason to marry any woman.
So, if sex is one of the ways you claim to be putting in your best into a relationship, you would continue to suffer disappointment, because any woman can offer a man good sex but not all women have the qualities men are looking for in a woman they wish to marry.
Look at yourself, beyond sex, what can you offer a man that would make him close his eyes to even the best of sex from another woman? What can you say of your values as a woman? Do you know how to encourage a man to his optimum best? Do you have the wisdom and understanding required to navigate him out of a temper or bad situation without losing your own temper as well? Do you have the patience to deal with all his shortcomings without raising dust? How do you manage his home? His needs? How do you care for him? Are you his friend? Do you clean after him? Do you even pray for him? How much of a home maker are you? What is your relationship between you and his friends? What quality of your time do you give him? You could have quantity time without giving him quality? As his friend and partner, what can he say about you? Do you respect him? Are you responsible? Can he trust you to be loyal to him in whatever situation you both find yourselves in?
All these are things sex cannot do for you. A man wants a woman whom he can depend on at all times not the one he who can only give him good sex without the concomitant values. Relationship is a wholesome process; it requires so much to make it beautiful. In a relationship where all the other ingredients are of the right measure, teaching each other in areas of deficiency to attain success becomes a very simple task. For instance, a couple that has all the other ingredients right can teach each other to make first class love if that is their area of weakness.
Chances are that you are putting the cart before the horse. Slow down; take another look at yourself as well as your attitude concerning these men. What do you think you are doing wrong? What runs through all your relationship? What reasons do these men give for dumping you for another woman? Do you think they are being fair to you? This calls for absolute honesty on your part. Don’t be ashamed to tell yourself the truth, admit your mistakes to yourself. Once you have the maturity to accept your faults, finding a way out of your current situation would become easy.
In your critique of yourself, don’t leave out your manners. Sometimes, unworkable relationships have nothing to do with moral values but have a lot to do with personal hygiene and our quality of mannerism. If you are the type who doesn’t care about what you have under your clothes or other personal hygiene, you could find it very difficult to keep a man. Men celebrate women who are neat, tidy and know how to package themselves nicely, at all times.
And in some instances, you may be making the wrong choice of men, tailoring your preferences along the line of your friends’ dream men. You must have your own dreams to know what man fits best into your vision. Simply because tall and handsome men work for your friends doesn’t make them suitable for you. Your ideal man could come in form of a short man: what is important is for him to make you happy. But if you don’t know what you want, chances of you recognising the man who has most of the qualities you need in life is nil. Nothing comes from nothing and what you don’t have, you cannot give. You must also develop yourself to be able to make a man want you sufficiently for keeps.
Your cue is to look at the women who are displacing you in the lives of these men. What are they like? What advantages do they have over you? What do all these men have in common? Do they all look alike in terms of physical attributes? What are you conditions for dating a man? Are the physical qualities or the inward ones? A person could be pleasant to look at but ugly to live with.
There is no happiness without some forms of sacrifices. Your sacrifice comes from knowing what you want from life and staying focused on them. Once you know and are happy with the choices you have made as a woman, it becomes very easy to recognise your kind of man in a crowd of millions of men irrespective of his looks or status. Happiness is not what is on the outside; rather it is what a person has in the inside.
As a single lady, your concern should be getting the right kind of man who has the enduring qualities to make you stay happy. Only the right kind of man would appreciate the efforts you put into making the relationship work. No matter how much you try to make a wrong relationship work, it remains doomed because it was contracted on the wrong values.
As a young woman, one thing you must never trade with is your body. Any man who wants a woman for keeps would never make sex a condition for him to stay faithful in the relationship or for the relationship to exist.
Go into a relationship only after you have found out your faults and are determined to ensure you don’t go back to the mistakes. Don’t worry if you notice a decline in the number of men that come to you; it is only for a while. Once other men who before now thought they stood no chance with you discover the new you, they would come with the right intentions of staying and making you happy.
Good luck.
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