I’m so confused and in need of help

Dear Agatha,

In the last mail I sent you, I informed you of the well paying job I got and how I wanted to meet a lady I hope to get married next year. 

Well, the truth is, I lost that job even before I started it. The excuse was that they didn’t even have money to pay me. I have to get a job, even trying out job agencies to no avail. I don’t know what to do since I don’t have a family or friends who can help me. 

My being a university drop out is a major problem I have.
I can administer a business efficiently and effectively. I can also create simple business systems and structures for small businesses. I have business ideas that can provide solutions to the Nigerian economic problems. 

I am a writer and can prepare business plans and proposals, memos and reports. I have a handwritten book but yet I can’t earn money.
I need help Agatha. I can’t help myself, neither do I have anybody who can or wants to assist me in solving my problems. I can earn money through the internet through blogs. 

All I need is a laptop and internet connection. I could have done this but I don’t even have savings. Life is meaningless to me. Please I need any good meaning Nigerian to help me. I do not need money but just a laptop and internet connection or even best a job. I’m losing my mind.
Nino.

Dear Nino,

Your problem may not be just getting a job but that of addressing the source of your challenges.

At times, when things aren’t working out in one’s life, despite explicit opportunities, the person should go back into his or her foundation for answers.

There is no denying the truth that prevailing conditions in the country makes it impossible for the average person to make ends meet or for employers to meet their monthly obligations to their employees.

However, this doesn’t overshadow the indicator that some problems are more spiritual than physical.

Look into your family for clues. What is the situation in your family? How many of the men in your family have good stories to tell? Why did you drop out of school? at your age, who has made it despite the odds facing him in your entire family set up?

By the time you are through examining these, how you should proceed with your situation would be clear to you.

While there are people out there who may want to invest in you, without you getting rid of the spiritual burden trailing you, chances of you succeeding in life are somehow slim because first and foremost our foundations are very critical to who we are.

It takes the special grace of God for anyone afflicted by family curses and declarations to succeed.

Deal with that first by going for deliverance. In your condition, getting married shouldn’t be your major priority. Unless you are prepared to pray yourself out this situation, you may not have the wellness of mind or peace to enjoy your marriage.

Besides, how do you hope to cope when the children starts coming without a stable job?

This is why you must first clear out the webs of frustration and financial stagnation before moving on with your plans to marry.

You also have to begin to consider other things you can do if you are unable to get anybody to donate a computer to you.

What kind of other things are you good at? Although not everybody is keen on going back to the farm but farming is one way a lot of promising young men and women are sustaining themselves.

Surely your family members can assist you with a portion of land to do some farming while you pursue other things.

Pray, fast to God for His help and mercy.

Good luck.

My son threatens to sell our house…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me resolve the crisis brewing among my children. I have four children, two boys and two girls. Since the death of my husband, I have tried my possible best to be a good mother to them all.

I honestly thought I had succeeded until this recent development among them. Recently, my second son, a replica of my late husband took certain money from my wardrobe. When I discovered the money was missing, I thought it was my eldest son and didn’t hesitate to accuse him of stealing my money. I know both of them are in the habit of pilfering, but this amount was too much for me to endure. It was the first time they would take as much as N10, 000 from my room. 

Besides, the money wasn’t mine. It belonged to someone in the office, and since I didn’t have money from anywhere to replace it immediately, I cried out.

I had already called the attention of my younger brother, whom I call frequently to effect discipline when they become too difficult for me to handle, upon the discovery that my second son actually took the money. By the time my brother came the whole matter had become too messy, as my other children had taken a stand against my second son and me. They didn’t stop at accusing me of favouring him more than the rest, but also think I am the cause of their bad behaviour, a position my brother agreed to.

The issue is so bad now that my eldest son took away the DVD machine at home to sell. And when I asked him, he said since I didn’t do anything to my second son when he took my money, he being the eldest reserved the right to do what he liked. He has threatened to dispose of the house we reside, the only thing their father left behind for them.

Please help me resolve this crisis among my children by telling me what to do. I have asked my eldest son to return the DVD machine he sold but he is adamant. Don’t know what to do to him.

Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother,

If your children are divided against themselves, it is because you didn’t do your job as a good mother. If your eldest son is selling off the property, it is because you licensed one of your sons to steal on account of him taking after your late husband in looks.

The sad truth is, if you don’t begin to play a fair game with all your children, not only would you be the doom of your sons but the girls too, who from the examples of their brothers either take to stealing or do other things to scandalise you the more.

To prevent the surprise of you coming home to meet the house already in the hands of its new owners, remove every document that has to do with the house to a place of safety. Your eldest son may not intend selling it, but could do so out of a sense of hurt as well as perceived injustice actually carry out his threat. Again, he may not be serious about selling the house, whereas your second son who seems able to get away with anything where you are concerned could wake one day and decide that the money he steals from you isn’t enough and that selling the house would be the only way he can raise the kind of money he needs. It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be caught on the wrong side napping.

Candidly, you need to apologise to your children because you wronged them as well as pushed them into situations they ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed their minds. There is no substitute to fairness in everything we do. Being fair means allowing the will of God to prevail at all times.

Much as I disapprove of what your eldest son did, why should he return the DVD machine when you are silent on the crime of stealing N10,000 by your second son took? What makes your second more of a son to you than your first? There is no way he would return that machine until you learn to be fair to all of them. Seeing that you are willing to condone and conceal murder as long as your second son is happy and protected while you demand for justice when it concerns the rest would prevent the return of your DVD machine.

If I were you, I won’t press too hard, rather would look for ways of ensuring that it never occurs again by disciplining the second son severely for his audacity to go into my room to take money not meant for him. It is the only way you can buy back your integrity as a mother and the head of the home. Since you lack the strength to apply sanctions, call in your brother to do it for you. The punishment should be such that the others would see that actually justice being done and also the process of your second’s recovery programme. The danger of allowing things to continue this way is the possibility of him joining up with other criminally minded persons in the society. By then, it won’t just be your brother and children witnessing your shame, but the whole society who would question your sense of judgement as a mother.

Yes, he is like your husband, but the question you should ask is, would he be happy at the way you are bringing up this child? Would he support you turning his child into an armed robber? That you discipline a child doesn’t mean you hate a child. The Bible is very explicit on discipline. Nobody is saying you should not pamper a child, but when it becomes unreasonable you expose the child to man’s natural vile. When this child becomes too large for you to manage, it won’t be because you love him too much but that you are an irresponsible and very careless mother.

For this reason, you must do everything to beat him back into shape. Show him that he can’t always have everything in life. That life is about choices of what you want and what you need. He may want the whole world, but does he need the things he is asking for, stealing your money to buy? Because you have allowed him to escape with the idea that he can always get what he wants, he won’t stop at stealing your things, but also those of other people around too when he doesn’t get anything to take in the house.

Asking your children for forgiveness would first of all douse the tension generated by your levity in handling the matter. At the meeting, be humble enough to admit your mistake as well as discuss how you intend moving the family forward.

If you are honest and your other children see you are serious about changing the situation in the house, they would begin to change for the best. And on those days you make mistakes, they will understand that it is part of life and offer you their support to succeed.

As a mother who loves her children, always go to God day and night because parenting isn’t an easy task. There is a fine line between love and indulgence. You need His presence to constantly remind you when to draw the line, to remind you when to laugh and when to frown at them, when to joke and when to scold them. Always commit them into the able hands of God who has the ability to control the excesses of the youths.

Good luck

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Jilted man’s love for ex still strong

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the solutions you keep proffering to the many problems people bring to you. I am a regular reader of your column. In fact, it is what influenced my choice of the titles of Independent Newspapers.

 I have a friend who was involved in oath taking with his former girlfriend. It all happens that they have been in a relationship for quite sometimes and anytime you see one of them, it means the other one is right behind. Along the line, the lady now decided they take an oath to keep them together irrespective of what comes their way.

 Subsequently they both took an oath, but she later left him to marry another man in a traditional way. After the birth of her first child, she and the man went their different ways and the child was taken to the lady’s mother, but later died.

At present, she and her husband live separately. My friend still feels for her and has asked for my advice. Please what do I tell him on this particular issue?

The lady too has been unable to have a settled relationship since then.

Expected Friend.

Dear Expected Friend,

Advise them to go for deliverance, if they hope to be free of the covenant they entered into with each other.

Any oath that involves blood exchange is considered very serious. To God, blood is life. To have exchanged blood means the oath goes beyond the ordinary. It becomes a spiritual bond, which only the power of God as represented by the blood of Jesus Christ can neutralise. Hence the essence of going for deliverance in a church is to ask God to direct them.

It is important they seek the face of God in this because churches these days come with different agenda and callings. While some are absolutely deliverance ministries, some focus more on salvation; others on praise worship, while others are merely after miracles. If you go to one founded on miracles, the deliverance may not be complete. Deliverance isn’t something every pastor is anointed to carry out.

Bringing in the presence of God will also save them from fakes who could capitalise on this to make unnecessary demands on them.

If they don’t do it, they would continue to have problems in their other relationship because, spiritually they have a bond, which makes it difficult for anybody outside the two of them to have a normal life. This is why the woman couldn’t function in the life of another man and until she goes through a comprehensive deliverance.

The issue of your friend still carrying a touch for her in his heart doesn’t arise. She is married even though she and the man are separated. As a good friend and one interested in her happiness, what you should do is to encourage her to go back to her husband. Go to the husband if he lives very close to both of you, to try to see if there is a possibility of the two of them coming together. Chances are that the issue with them is spiritual and once she undergoes a deliverance programme, she would have the peace of mind to live with her husband.

Explaining to her husband what the possible problem is with her as well as their marriage could resolve the disagreement between them. If for nothing, it would help him appreciate the issues at stake as well as inform him on what sort of help and understanding to offer her.

As for your friend, let him move forward with his life. This woman doesn’t love him as much as he thinks. If she did, she wouldn’t have married the man she got married to. That she left him to marry another man despite the covenant between them shows that she doesn’t love him as much as he thinks.

Life is a gamble and most times things do not always turn out the way we planned them. Life goes up and down and whatever God has ordained will never cease to happen. Your friend and his former girlfriend didn’t wait for the direction of God at all. They wanted things to happen the way they wanted without putting the will of God into it. By taking the oath to stay together, they wanted to enforce what God didn’t plan for them hence the problems they are both facing.

Asking God for forgiveness as well as an effective deliverance will ease whatever emotional problems is coming from this woman breaking the oath they both took. He also has to learn to let go of the memories of the two of them. Whatever happened between them should remain in the past because that is the only way the future can have meaning to him. When we refuse to leave the past, it has a way of impeding our progress, preventing us from X-raying the future and giving it the needed attention to make us move beyond the point the past has left us.

His inability to let go of the memories of his relationship with this lady, even after she got married to someone else is one the reasons he is having problems in his own life. You cannot hold on to a dream about one person and expect to see anything good in another person. This lady has to vacate his life for another woman to find space and peace in his heart to exist.

Even if he goes through deliverance and still refuses to let go of her memories in his heart, he would still continue to have problems.

Tell both of them to have faith in God because that is the main key to a successful deliverance.

Good luck.

Tell me how to approach her

Dear Agatha, 

How do I approach this woman who has all the qualities I want in a woman? I am 29 years of age. She lives opposite my house but due to our closeness, I don’t know how to approach her. 

Terfa.

Dear Terfa,

First you have to identify why you are hesitant in approaching this lady. Does she have better economic power than you or better education?

Once you are able to identify why your approaching her appear to be a burden, it makes going to her somehow easy.

Besides, everyman needs a measure of confidence to approach a woman for a relationship. Also, you must be clear on what you want from her. This is where a knowledge of the kind of person the woman is, is important.

For instance, while a man could get away telling one woman, I just love you: for another woman, it is the height of insult and insincerity. Even if it is love at first sight, a man should never tell a woman he is just meeting such things.

By now, you should know why you are so taken by this woman. Is it that you just want a feel of her body or that there is something compelling about her you want to explore, get to know with a view of sharing a future with her? Being honest to yourself will make it easier to convince her to be your woman. Most men get off on the wrong footing because they cannot even persuade themselves on why they want a particular woman in their lives.

Yours is made easier because you have known her for sometime. It is knowing what you want from her and telling her why your life will be dull without her to lighten it up.

Whatever it is you are telling her, please mean it. You don’t have to promise her marriage like most men are fond of doing in their quest to get a particular woman into their lives.

Be truthful to her. let her know that while you like her enough to desire her in your life, the future is what both of you must want sufficiently to negotiate.

Since you are practically neighbours, nicely ask her out to an eatery or any tourist site like a beach where both of you can be alone yet surrounded by other people who really don’t have business with the two of you.

This way, you would be protecting her from gossips that come from familiar people seeing a man and woman together; thus shielding her from unwanted pressures. It is also a way of building a memory bank that would kick start whatever it is you have in mind for her.

Once you are able to break the initial barrier of knowing what to say and how to present it, the rest will simply flow in.

At times too, fear of being rejected prevents most men from pursuing a particular relationship to its logical end. If this is the case, perish such fears. It is the prerogative of a woman to play tough, sometimes exhibit rudeness to the man who wants her heart. If your focus is on rejection, then you aren’t ready for the tough game of the heart.

Persistence is the name of the game so go for her.

Good luck.

Carrying his baby months after I left him!

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very difficult position. One I would find extremely difficult to explain to my former boyfriend. I honestly don’t even know how to explain it to myself let alone any other one, because it is a very strange thing.

My ex-boyfriend and I went our different ways about five months ago, and since then I haven’t slept with another man on account of the way we separated. I caught him with one of my very good friends. For me, it was the height of it all. Prior to that time, we have had issues concerning his ability to keep his pants zipped up.

Because I have always been told that relationship takes time to form, I kept enduring the situation for four years. But catching him with my friend was more than I could endure. I didn’t give him the chance to explain anything and told him in clear terms that I don’t ever want to see him. Even when some of his friends came to beg and explain that I should give him a chance to explain what really happened, I ignored them all. My parents also tried to speak on his behalf, but backed off when I made my stance very obvious.

 I honestly thought I was rid of him until I discovered that I am about five months pregnant. The shock isn’t the pregnancy, but the way my body concealed the knowledge from me. Like I said, we have gone our separate ways and I am carrying his baby inside of me. How do I convince him that the child is his? How do I present the case to him and his family after telling him I am through with him? Will he believe me? Will he ever accept the child as his own? How do I bring a child whose birth would be clothed in controversy into the world? How do I explain the whole matter to my parents or his for that matter? Would he believe I didn’t know about the pregnancy until now? At 32, who would believe I didn’t know I was pregnant till now?

 The few friends I told are divided in opinion. While some think abortion is still possible at this stage of the pregnancy, some think I should go ahead and have the baby on my own, since I have a good job without telling the father. Yet others think I owe myself and baby the responsibility of informing the father. And that even if he denies, at least, he would be aware of the existence of the baby.

I am in a very tight corner. Please help me. I love to have a baby, but not in this controversial manner. A doctor I contacted said it was too risky to abort the child at this stage. He also explained that some women don’t experience the usual signs and agrees it is inexplicable. I am so confused because even if he accepts I don’t want to marry him again. There is no way I can marry a man I don’t trust. And I don’t want to be a single mother either.

 Iremide.

Dear Iremide,

I don’t subscribe to you aborting the baby whatever the situation. A child is a gift from God and only He has the right to touch a life. He takes and gives as He pleases. It isn’t in your place to do that. The fact that He didn’t allow you the pleasure of experiencing the natural signs a woman notices when she gets pregnant shows that this child is meant to be.

What this means is that this child is very determined to come and any attempt by you to terminate its life could result in your death too. So, be careful. At any rate, have you bothered to consider God’s reason for making all these happen? Naturally, when a woman takes in, her flow is expected to stop even if she is one of those lucky women who don’t experience nausea, spitting and discomfort associated with the early days of pregnancy. That none of these happened shows the benevolent hands of God at work.

Rather than worry at what this man would say, why not begin by thanking God for this special gift? I know and understand all the different shades of feelings you are going through as well as the attendant confusions, but going first to God would help you put things in their proper perspectives.

First, you have to accept the reality of the baby growing inside of you. That is not negotiable. You must have the calmness of mind to accept that no matter what happens between the father and you, this baby has come to stay and for a while may be your sole responsibility.

Once you have the grace to accept the baby as part of you, the attendant strength to face the hostility, condemnation as well as all the other negative attitudes from people around you would come from nowhere. This will help you know what advice to take and those to ignore. For instance, you will learn to shut out from your life those friends asking you to terminate this pregnancy. This is particularly necessary, because you caught your man with one of these so-called friends. Only the spirit of God can tell you the truth at all times.

Those urging you to abort a five months old pregnancy don’t mean well for you. A lot can go wrong even if you entrust your life to the best doctor in the world. What would be your story if you end up having damaged womb? Would say you lost your womb due to fears of raising a child alone? Would any of these friends give you any of their children to call your own? At 32, are you not old enough to be a mother or make your decision?

Besides, have you stopped to consider the viability of your biological clock? What about the spiritual angle, the destiny of the individual? What if God reveals to you that child is meant to be your only child in life? Would you still be ashamed to care for it or make excuses for your reason to get rid of it?

If you have never given him cause to suspect you, lied to him, he would believe you. Only a man who doesn’t trust his woman or running away from responsibility would deny a woman he has slept with. Don’t judge or condemn him even before giving him a chance to defend his honour as a man. Yes, he may appear irresponsible to you on account of his behaviour, but when it comes to the issue of knowing that he is about to be a father, don’t deny him his rights. Your body may be incubating the child, but he is the father. Hence he has the right to know because you didn’t make the baby alone.

Even if he doubts the paternity of the baby, modern medicine has made such thing so simple. A DNA could be conducted on the foetus to determine the paternity or on the baby after birth.

Telling him doesn’t mean you have to go back to him if you don’t want to, but it would give both of you the chance to discuss the well being of this child God has graciously given to the two of you.

Overtime, it would also give you two the chance to re-assess your relationship. This child could be God’s way of forcing you to listen to the wise counsel of all those who tried to talk you out of your decision. There is no way you both won’t talk about the past if both of you plan to play prominent roles in the life of this child.

Until you listen to him, you won’t know how your friend ended up in the position you caught both of them. Have you ever tried considering the fact that your friend out of jealousy may have planned everything to ensure you broke up with him?

You will never know the true nature of some of your friends or motive of their friendship unless you hear this man out. Listening doesn’t mean you should forgive him, but knowing what actually transpired that day would go a long way in helping you understand a lot of things happening around you.

Whatever happens between the two of you, the interest of the child should always come first, because at the end of the day that is what would count the most.

Good luck.

I saw a pack of condoms in her bag

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Thank you very much for your wonderful contributions to matters of the heart. 

Please advise me on this. There is this young girl I love so very much but each time I ask her to tell me if she is dating another guy, she nags and tries to make me feel she isn’t cheating.

Recently, she visited me after series of me pleading with her to come over to my place. To my greatest surprise, I discovered a pack of gold circle in her bag but she denied its ownership insisting it belonged to her roommate who went out with her bag a day before she came to visit me. She went on to say, she didn’t even know about the existence of the condom in her bag.

I also discovered that she is keeping another relationship in her school. I still love her.

Please what do you advise?

Worried Lover.

Dear Worried Lover,

Lesson number one, don’t search through the contents of your girlfriend’s bag if you don’t have the heart to handle whatever mystery the bag holds. Any man who does that is opening himself up for pains and disappointment. Only a man who wants to be lied to, exposes himself to that situation. The bag of a woman is as mysterious as the heart of a woman. There is no limit to what it holds. So if you want to be happy with yourself, resist the temptations of prying in your girlfriend’s bag.

Doing so also underscores the insecurity of the man involved. Every relationship must first be premised on trust and respect for it to go anywhere. Going through her bag is an indication that you don’t trust her.

No woman wants to operate under the heavy scrutiny of a man especially if she is innocent of the charges against.

The fact that you found a pack of condom in her bag, doesn’t automatically translate to her cheating on you. Her explanation could just be the truth because it is a common thing among young ladies, especially in a hostel setting to exchange fashion accessories. Although, that doesn’t make her less liable because she should have checked the contents of the bag because if her friend had left something incriminating like a gun or hard drug; the kind of things that can get her into trouble with the law, there is no kind of explanations that would exonerate her from the mess.

In this regards, you have every right to be angry with her and question her motives or moral as no decent girl is expected to go about with a condom in her bag. Even if she has a reason to, our society is one that doesn’t take kindly to women flaunting their sexual autonomy.

For the purpose of growing this relationship, allow this to pass because you have no concrete evidence to nail her. She has told you that her friend left in her bag; if you insist, a friend would definitely turn up to own up to its ownership. At the end of the day, you would be the one looking like a fool and a jealous one at that.

No man can successfully track a woman or put her under check. Only a woman can make the decision of wanting to be responsible. Without your girlfriend deciding on her own to be faithful to you, there is nothing you can do to make her. Sincerely, you will be wasting time trying to monitor her.

At this point, you either learn to build trust into the relationship or terminate it to protect your sanity as a man.

Especially, as you are convinced she is having another affair with someone else.

There are some impossible relationships no matter how much you desire it to be real. It is painful that you love her but if she isn’t ready to be stable for now, there is little or nothing you can do to make her.

But, you can go a step further in your quest to nurture this relationship to maturity by making the attempt to sit her down for a heart-to-heart discussion. Sometimes when you lay bare your heart to the one you love, you help that person to realize how important it is having you around. The fact that you are constantly nagging her and displaying your suspicions of her could influence her decision to have another man in her life as a kind of security to your mistrust of her in the event you decide to end the relationship midway.

Opening up to her might have the right impact on your relationship by making her realize how important she is to you. Knowing this for a fact might just make her want to stay with you and appreciate your love for her.

Sincerely, the decision is yours to make but give her the chance to defend herself before you take a decision that you might end up regretting later in life.

This is because there are certain things that might appear right now but may turn out not to be as important as it was years back.

Don’t be confused because there is really nothing confusing about your relationship. Your answer is right in your mind. Do what you feel good about in this situation.

Good luck.

I need help

Dear Agatha,

I’m using this opportunity to see whether I can appeal to any well meaning Nigerian who can help me  get a good job. 

I have an academic deficiency and this has not given me an opportunity to get a good job but I’m good at managing businesses because I can prepare operations manuals, business plans and other documents like minute writing and the rest of them. My greatest wish is to own my own business and publish my book on money and magazine.

Also I want to use this opportunity to appeal to any good looking woman who must be a plus size or  full bodied living in Lagos who wishes to be married to contact me. 

I’m a good Christian and hope to become a pastor one day. My number is, 08122351449.

Cheta

Dear Cheta,

What do you want? A job or a woman? These are two major desires, you cannot combine for now.

If you are thinking of becoming a pastor, you must know how to apportion time to everything; else you end up achieving nothing at the end of the day.

This is because a new job or business requires initial attention to make an impact so also is a new relationship. To combine two heavily demanding issues is to jeopardize your chances of succeeding at any of them.

It is either you concentrate first on building a relationship with the woman after your heart or get a means of livelihood first.

On the issue of getting the right education; it is never too late. You can still go back to school when you have a stable means of income. You don’t have to go for a full time; go for part-time to allow you do other things in life.

Another way you can market yourself is through your church. There will always be one or two persons needing your kind of services. Let your pastor know what you can do and how good you are at it by offering to do one or two things within your area free of charge for the church.

Not many people would want to invest blindly on a person whose service or integrity they don’t know unless those whose minds are made up that they just want to help irrespective of the character of the person they are investing in.

Even if you are not in a big church, there will always be a need for the services you listed above. Every church needs someone to organize its activities, meetings and related programmes. Someone would definitely notice and recommend you to people who are looking for someone to trust with their businesses.

I’m sure, there one or two persons who after reading this, may be moved to help you.

To get this right in your life, learn to trust God implicitly by asking for His directions as well as help in arriving as His planned destination for you.

If true, you have been enlisted by God to be a worker in His vineyard, you may not go far if you are working outside His desires for you. This is why you must settle things with Him before moving on to prevent an exercise in futility.

Good luck.