How Gay Gospel Musician Raped My Friend To Death

Dear Agatha,

I write you with pains in my heart, because these days, things are very bad. The only thing that is in my mind now, as I write you, is how to take revenge. And I mean nothing but absolute revenge. My story is painful indeed.

It all started one afternoon after a revision class in preparation for our second semester examinations. On our way back from class that afternoon, we ran into one of the so-called gospel musicians based in the southeastern part of the country.

He stopped to offer us a ride in his car. He asked for our names and particulars and we gladly obliged him with all our details. Since he wasn’t exactly heading our way, he dropped us at the nearest junctions.

Since we exchanged phone numbers, he began to call us daily without failing.

On Friday May 31, 2008, he invited my good friend over to one of the fast-food centres in Onitsha. My friend went but not before informing me. He always makes it a point of duty to tell me everything about himself including where he was going.

He even asked me to go with him but because I had my ICH 112 exams to write that day, I didn’t make it with him. He went to the place to see the devilish musician. They ate, drank, and at the end, my friend came back with some money and take away food for us. Recharge cards also didn’t fail to come for us. It seemed both my friend and I were operating a mini call-centre, because we were never short of recharge cards.

He also made several promises to my friend. Because of the stories I have heard about this particular musician, I cautioned my friend against having a close association with him, but he failed to heed the advice. He told me that all that I have heard about him were all blatant lies.

On Sunday August 3, 2008, he invited my friend over to Heritage Hotel, Omagba Phase I, but this time, my friend failed to tell me because I was already in Abuja for an Annual Conference and Exhibition of the Society of Petroleum Engineers then. He took my friend in and drugged him after which he slept with him. Imagine a person that called himself a Christian musician sleeping with a fellow man. This was never my problem at first, but beyond that my friend died due to that incident.

My friend is dead now and his murderer is parading the city deceiving people as a religious musician while he is the real devil’s advocate.

My friend started bleeding from the anus after the act prompting the musician to call on his own friends to help clean up the act. Days after the incident, when I came back from Abuja, precisely on Thursday, August 7, 2008, my friend told me everything that transpired between him and the musician, though he pleaded a secrecy deal.

But since my friend is no more, I don’t have a reason to keep quiet again. I want this musician and all his gang (friends) involved to pay for killing my friend. I have enough evidence to prove that they are gays. Yes, I mean they are homosexuals.

What I need is an advice on what to do. My aim is to make sure he pays for the death of my best friend whom I know within me was used for rituals to boost the sales of his music.

Also I want members of the public especially young men to benefit from the story, especially as it affects how their relationship as well as association with strange friends.

Kelvin.

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Dear Kelvin,

How did your friend die? Why did he insist you kept it a secret and why did you fail to report the incident to the police even against your friend’s insistence, especially when you knew that this musician used him for ritual purposes?

Can you honestly say you and your friends didn’t know the motive of this musician when he took to inviting this friend over, buying him food as well as sending constant recharge cards to all of you? What did you all think, that he was simply being nice and benevolent?

Didn’t you also spend in the booty he got from the musician? If you had all the stories about him, why didn’t you try harder to stop your friend by giving him graphic details of what to expect? You could have enlisted the help of his family members and also your other friends to talk sense into his head?

What stopped you and your other friends from going to the musician to him a stern warning? Since your friend was always in the habit of telling you everything about his movement, what stopped him from informing you of this particular one? He still could have told you through a phone call irrespective of whether you were within the vicinity or not. What business had the two that necessitated him accepting his invitation to a hotel? Was he forced into the room? If he was drugged they must have gone into the privacy of the room first to drink before he could be drugged.

I ask all these questions to help put things in their right perspectives. You are alleging ritual murder. Apart from the blood from his anus, were there any other evidences to establish ritual murder?

And have you told his family anything about your suspicions and whom you think could be responsible for the death of their son? If you had, what were the reactions of the family?

From the moment he started calling you all, particularly your friend on daily basis, inviting him out for lunch, buying him excess to take home and lavishing recharge cards on all of you, the alarm bells should have been sounded that this musician had an ulterior motive. There is no way, he wouldn’t have made obvious his real interest in your friend which could have been the reason you sounded the warning to him.

Your friend didn’t take your warning serious because you didn’t attach too much importance to it. Had you, from the onset, refused to entertain any discussion on the musician from the beginning or declined the offer of free recharge cards and kept telling everybody who cared to listen to what you felt about the presence of the musician in your lives, he would not only have taken you serious but also known how to discharge the musician from your lives especially his.

Besides, you were among the group he offered a free ride. Since you claimed to know him, and also had knowledge of his sore reputation, why did you allow your friends into his car so much so you allowed them, including you to give him your actual numbers?

Are you sure all these accusations are not after thought, aimed at getting attention from him or any of his friends?

Sincerely, unless you have concrete evidence to support your claims, be very careful whom you tell. If truly they were indeed responsible for the death of your friend, your life could equally be at risk.

If being gay is the only evidence you have against him and his friends, you have no evidence to establish a case against them because under the criminal law operative in the Southern part of the country, being gay is not a criminal offence. It is only an offence under the penal code of the Northern part of the country. The only damage is a social one but with the level of perversion in the country, it won’t do any lasting damage besides changing his line of musical interest.

On the other hand, the table could be turned against you for trying to blackmail him to parting with money. Since if his words are opposed to yours there is high tendency for people to believe him more than you, at least you don’t have the type of money he has.

And if your late friend requested you keep it a secret, why are you trying now to expose his memory to ridicule? Do you think his family would ever thank you for telling the world that their son indulged in sex with a man before he died? How do you think the knowledge would affect his grieving parents? How do you think they would handle his memories vis-à-vis your revelation?

If you are really serious about helping the memory of your friend, the best way is to set up a campaign in his memory. The campaign would be centre on the need for youngsters to apply wisdom in their choice of friends.

The foundation dedicated to the memory of your friends should place emphasis on his qualities as a person and what he stood for during his lifetime. The foundation should tell people, both men and women the signs to look out for when going into a relationship or friendship.

Also hand over everything to God in prayers. If your friend was actually a victim of ritual killers, God in His own time would provide the public and Police indisputable evidences to prosecute the killer.

Good luck.

Re: At 44, Still Not Man Enough To Face Tomorrow

Dear Agatha,

The first thing I do everyday is to go to Daily Independent’s Website to read your helpful and inspirational column, providing answers to the many difficult questions put across by all of us.

I want to thank you so much for the advice you gave to Tutu whose boyfriend has decided to remain a mom’s boy, even at 44. I read it as if I was the one going through the pains and I began to weep for her, I am serious! I just pray she didn't abort the baby as you advised her because it may indeed be her last chance. As the saying goes “Heaven helps those who help themselves.”

Just imagine, I have been looking for a child for about eight years now, and here is someone older than I do who though finds it easy to get pregnant but whose man keeps asking for abortion due to his mother’s position on having baby outside wedlock.

I just don’t understand this life. Here, I am trying to get pregnant eight years after marriage while another one finds it so easy to be pregnant but her man wouldn’t want it.

You see I am really tired of these mothers who use the mystery and power of their womb against unwanted child.

I know I will become a mother someday too and pray that I would resist the temptation to use my maternal powers to hurt my child. It is callous and evil of mothers to use their advantageous position to deal with their children. It is plain evil.

Agatha, look at my story for instance, one which you are very familiar with. My mother dumped me at a very tender age. Then people thought she was either ashamed of her act or felt my father wasn’t good to her then. However, all these sympathetic thoughts evaporated into thin air when she got pregnant for another man in less than a year. She wasn’t done. Three years after, she got pregnant for her third man and went on to fourth man. What do you call such a mother? What sort of mother do you call mine?

After seven children for different men she now lives with a man 16 younger to her in a house I rented for her. At least, the mother of Tutu’s fiancé cared for her children when her husband died. Mine didn’t care for me at all.

To my mother, I am just like a cursed child but she still expects me to pick her bills as well as all the other children she bore. When I show reluctance or not in a position to meet her several demands, she poisons me with venom so much so accusing fingers are being pointed at her for my childlessness.

Whenever I listen to beautiful eulogies and testimonials on the outstanding qualities of mothers and how important they are to their children, I cannot but weep at my misfortune, having a mother that doesn’t care.

I have been taking care of myself since I grew up. I have fallen into the hands of really bad friends in Lagos, but God saved me from their devilish lifestyles all because of the type of mother I have.

I have been fortunate; at least, I have never taken drugs, alcohol or indulged in any peer pressured social vices because of the training I got from my dad and my guardians. Despite my challenges with my mother, I sometimes sit back to thank God because of His mercies over my life.

Agatha, tell me why do I have to do anything with a woman who has vowed to destroy me because she carried me in the mystery of her womb for nine months?
I honestly thank God I never sucked her breast for one day, otherwise by now I would be completely good for nothing.

Aunty Agatha, I am really tired, just hoping that my story will change this year for the best as well as the likes of Tutu with mothers or mothers-in-law who are determined to cause pains in their lives.

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

Thanks for sharing your experience with Tutu and the rest of us. I am sure God will intervene too in your matter very soon.

Having a not too perfect mother can be very challenging as well as painful but when one’s trust is put entirely in God, the situation can be managed in such a way that it would not affect the child negatively.

There is no denying the mystery of the mother’s womb, but such powers can only be exercised if the mother is on the right track and if the child knows what to do.

No matter how much your mother has hurt you, play your role whenever called upon to do so in whatever measure you can afford. Mothers too are human beings hence don’t expect all of them to be perfect in manner. Having treated your letter before, I am aware of the issues involved in your case. And I still insist, your mother’s case should be treated with caution since all the men of God you have consulted pointed her as the cause of your barrenness. Also, you have been given visions to that effect yourself. We all cannot have wonderful, caring and loving mothers.

There are some mothers who are worse than the devil. Being your mother, she knows you more than you know yourself. She has all your history in her hands irrespective of whether or not you sulked her breast. She bore the pains of bringing you into this world. She saw you first, and experienced your first cry.

It is for these reasons, you must be extra careful in how you deal with her. The bloodline is the worst kind of battle to fight because she forms part of your foundation. Without her body, you won’t be alive today. So, if for nothing else, but for this reason learn to be wise on issues concerning her. God didn’t make a mistake using her to incubate you.

If you refuse to pray for her deliverance, you would continue to be her victim and might never have the chance of being happy in life. Like we learnt from Tutu’s story, a mother determined to have her way can be unreasonable, blind and deaf to everything and anything around her.

When a mother’s passion is involved, her passion makes enemy of anybody including her own children who dare to stand against her. If you come to the realisation that the elasticity of a woman’s womb can work for and against her child in the same capacity, children with disagreeable mothers would learn not to take things for granted because the other side of love is called hatred.

Just like one mother is ready to go the extra mile to protect and ensure the well-being of her children, another is just as ready to go the same length if not further to destroy that child. This is because any woman can be a parent, but not all women can be maternal. Your mother, from what you have described is a parent, she isn’t maternal and nothing you do or don’t do can bring about any maternal feelings on her part towards you. So you just have to make do with what you have as well as learn to depend on God, since He remains the only true and most loving parent we would ever have in life.

Therefore, dwelling too much on why she doesn’t like you or determines to see you in constant pains would only end up hurting you the more. Trust me, certain things are best ignored in life.

While you don’t have to go out of your way to ensure you meet all her demands, you must give the little you can afford for posterity sake. Your consideration for her would speak up for you if she decides to go too far with you.

Like I said before, when God’s time comes for you to be a mother, you will, because there is yet to be any power in heaven or earth that can stop the words of God from manifesting in your life. Once you are at peace with Him and recognise Him in that special way a child does a loving and caring parent. All He needs to move in an extraordinary way in your life is for you to learn to trust Him implicitly.

That you are frequent in church or its activities doesn’t count as being faithful to God. In everyway, you have to constantly show that you trust and belief in His words more than those of the pastors or the fears of your mother’s behaviour.

Pray and look up to Him and not to your pastors. Even if your mother is the devil incarnate, once God stands firm in your favour, there is nothing she can do about you again.

Good luck.

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The related article (and comments) may be found here:

At 44, Still Not Man Enough To Face Tomorrow

Though Married, Falling For Another Girl

Dear Agatha,

I am married with a baby girl. I love my wife who is very humble and caring. But I am now in love with another girl, though not intentionally. She is ready to die for me, the whole thing started when none of us was ready for a relationship. We began as casual friends but along the line, the story and feelings changed to something more serious. I still can’t believe how we got to this point or that it is even happening for that matter. I am so confused. I need your help.

Isaac.

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Dear Isaac,

What business do you have you being causal friend with a single lady? A lady whom antecedent or motive as a friend you don’t know.

You are a married man and not of the category of men expected to go into casual friendship with a single lady. You may have had the intentions of keeping the relationship with her without any sense of commitment, what about her motive for accepting to be friends with a married man?

How would you react to your wife having a male and casual friend? Or do you think that because she is married to you, other men would no longer take interest in her? Indulge her fantasies of freedom to do as she likes and you will brand her as an adulteress?

That you are a man doesn’t give you any special privileges to do as you like or the right to engage in an extra marital affair. Not only have you done the unpardonable, you are also putting the well-being of your family at a greater risk than you put yourself.

Marriage is all about discipline and contentment with the package one has chosen. Both men and women feel the same things. You don’t because you feel the itch of an excitement or of another kind of flavour forget the commitment and responsibilities you made to another person. There is an existing covenant between you and your wife, to love and cherish each other through thick and thin until death part you both. It is a bond stronger than anything on earth. It is a commitment that forbids you to enter any other kind of sexual relationship with another woman or she with another man.

This is because when either of you goes outside your home, you go into another covenant with the person you are having sex with. By so doing, it brings about a spiritual confusion because it brings to two the covenants one is operating under. This is why confusion always patterns the life of any man or woman having an extramarital affair. Unfortunately, the confusion is not limited; it extends to everybody and everything around the person.

You are in this mess because you lack discipline, satisfaction and happiness in your own woman. It is so unfortunate because from your own account your woman is caring and humble. Believe me, you are a very lucky man because not many men can boldly say such nice things about their wives. That you think she is all these under the heavy burden of attraction to another woman means she is much more; a rare gift from God to you.

God gave you a woman He knows would always make you happy so why look for a woman who is very insensitive and out to cause you pains later in life? Can’t you see that her determination to have you at all cost is a clear signal that very soon peace would vacate your life and your home as she desperately tries to replace your wife in your home?

Haven’t you learn from the experiences and stories of other men how these affairs could lead to monumental problems later in life? Ask most men who have children from different women of the challenges of maintaining peace and sanity in such a set up.

Her desperation could push her to doing any number of things including engaging the services of native doctors or spiritualists to get you for keeps or rid you of your happy family so as to pave way for her eventual entrance into your home as your wife.

What do you tell your wife if she infects you with a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD)? What do you know about her moral and spiritual history? What makes you think you are the only man in her life? Whatever reasons she has for dating you knowing you are not available might also make her dump you after destroying your life when another man comes by.

Frankly speaking, what you are playing with is a wild fire in the disguise of an irresistible feminine appeal. Even if you are having problems with your wife, having an extra affair is not a solution. The ideal thing is for both of you to sit down and map ways out of the problem not you going into the arms of another woman to solicit solutions. If there are any issues, what are they? Even if you are claiming not to know why you went into this relationship, something must have compelled you to; can you put a name to it?

That you are having this relationship is an indication that there are some salient issues in your marriage but because you are having a relationship, you don’t have the time or motivation to dwell or discuss them with your wife. There is no way you can use another problem to solve an existing one. Even if you claim not to have any problem now, it is beginning to brew saliently unknown to both of you and unless you both look closely at your relationship and admit it and as well learn to deal with it, your relationship may not survive it. If you are already into a relationship when the problem is yet to manifest, how much more when there is a visible problem? Therefore begin now to build structures that would protect your marriage from real challenges when they come.

Is it her look, her person, attitude or comportment? If you can be more definite about the things that keep pulling you to her, it would be easy for you to help your marriage grow along the line of your dreams. You could use your experience with her to help your marriage by pointing your wife at the mistakes she is making and the likely implications on the marriage.

There is no marriage without problems or perfect human beings. Just as you have noticed some shortcomings in her person she has also noticed shortcomings in your character. However, marriage creed dictates couples source for solutions within and not outside. This woman who seems so perfect to you now would some day become so imperfect that you would wonder what you saw in her in the first place.

Unfortunately when feelings get this intense, reasons are usually pushed to a very far corner of the head. However, no matter how strong your feelings for this other lady are, please think? Did you at anytime plan polygamy in your life? Did you grow up in one or witnessed first hand the earthquakes of polygamy in the lives of people? What legacy do you want to bequeath to your children? Have you also put into consideration that polygamy makes it impossible for a man to plan his family the way he likes? All the women involved polygamy would go into competition of giving you the number of children they want. Do you have the economic power to equally train the yet unidentified number of children these women would give you?

Can you provide for them equally? What about their welfare? Being married you know the challenges as well as responsibilities involved when a man and woman come together, double that! Can you cope?

What you have just done by getting involved with her is to expose your happy family to danger. Marriage is not an investment it is a responsibility because it takes more than you get from it.

Since this lady is ready to do anything for you; beg her for forgiveness to let go of you before it is too late. I mean before she forces you into a hasty marriage by accidentally getting pregnant for you. If possible pay her off so she doesn’t cause pains and trouble for you in your marriage. The amount is the price you have to pay for straying away from your home; it is also to buy back the peace of mind to be a good husband to this innocent woman. Whether she encouraged it or not, the fact remains that you are the one that has strayed away from your nest into her snare, so to be free, you make some of sort of atonement for giving her false hopes, encouraging her to dream baseless dreams as well as giving her time, you know she would never have.

Even if she had an agenda from the beginning, you made it possible for her to begin the implementation, so she cannot be blamed for your mess.

What happens if she comes with the news of being pregnant? How do you think it would affect your wife, daughter, and your life?

Time you devote to this woman, use it to build your family, to build a history together, to create your own happiness. Not matter how much attraction this woman offers you, don’t fall into this temptation. No woman outside your wife is worth the trouble of giving up the peace of your life.

You have to imbibe the fear of God in your life as well as in your marriage because if you had it in the first place, you wouldn’t want to do anything that would affect the happiness as well as stability of your home. Therefore it is pertinent you invite God to take charge of your affairs to give you strength to do that which is right.

Good luck.

Quick Ejaculation Makes My Wife Sad In Bed

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the millions you have released from bondage through your column.

Agatha, I have a very caring, loving and respectful wife. But I have a problem; I suffer from premature ejaculation when we make love. Although she has never complained but I know it is for only a while before she starts nagging.

For now, she only cuddles me and tells me not to worry that it's my nature. Yet I have a feeling I don't satisfy her.

Please help me because she has been very good to me all through the three years of our marriage.

Chuka.

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Dear Chuka,

Can you remember anytime that you had a healthy ejaculation? Is your case simply that of premature ejaculation or weak erection? Have you always had premature ejaculation? Did you at anytime indulge in masturbation? What are the experiences of your wife? Are you both ready to explore other means that would help improve on your sex life?

If you were normal until you got married, then it might have to do with stress or anxiety. Is there anything in your marriage or work that is bringing the stress? Are you on some drugs like some food supplements or indulge in excessive alcohol consumption? Do you smoke?

Any of these habits can trigger your problem. But it is important you first get a clear bill of health from the doctor to eliminate the presence of any medical problem, if haven’t consult one yet.

Check your social habits for clues that might be responsible for this. When dealing with such a highly emotional matter, it pays to look at both the mundane and the important things. To help you arrive at a conclusive result, begin the elimination of some of these habits.

Worries may not be so easy a thing to do away with but if you put the feelings of your wife and the health of your home into consideration, whatever it is that could be bothering you would be easier for you to manage because your situation would only be made complex if your wife begins to complain.

If it is none of these, did you ever get hooked on masturbation? The essence of this question is to help you again adjust to making love with a woman. While masturbation may be a healthy sex habit for both men and women, it is not so healthy in the long run for a man because once his body get used to ejaculating at a certain period of time, getting used to the needs of his woman may present him with a huge problem. This is because it is very difficult for a woman to reach premium whereas, a man can get ready for climax within the shortest possible period.

Excessive dependence on self-stimulation only helps him cut down his time of performance with a woman. If this is the case, you would need the help of your woman to get you back on track.

First, you would need to explain the reasons to her. For her to understand the extra role she is supposed, she has to be told the whole truth. So don’t hold anything back from her. You would both need each other’s expertise and knowledge of the game of lovemaking to get going. If she came with no experience, don’t worry; just show the lead by telling her where to touch on your body while you do the same thing with hers. If you feel the urge to come while this is still going on, don’t worry, do it because by the time she is ready to get going, you would almost be ready to go again.

Releasing before fore-play is concluded is to help ease you into her fulfillment. Once you come while fore-play is going on, you would be able to hold back until she is ripe for hers during the actual act. This segment requires imagination, open mindedness, honesty and a spirit of pure adventure.

Therefore, it is imperative you give your woman the encouragement as well as the trust to help you overcome your problem. Asking senseless questions or exhibiting reservations to her initiative might compel her to keep her knowledge to herself and to adopt the attitude of complaining about your performance.

Also listen to her suggestions. For most women, it isn’t the act that is as important as all the extras that go into the process of getting to the zenith.

Even if your situation is natural, doing this would help ease the tension in the bedroom. Sometimes most sexual problems men complain of are more psychological than physical. Either the man thinks his organ is too small or that he is not doing enough to please his woman.

Most times when men complain about premature ejaculation, it is only because they come before their women not necessarily that they have any problem with their ability.

This is because our society is still rigid and very forbidding about the way sex is viewed and discussed. Beyond having sex, the majority of men know next to nothing about their bodies let alone about the body of the woman.

It is so unfortunate because sex being an integral part of human life should not be so neglected or consigned to under the table discussions. Today, a lot of marriages like yours are experiencing serious problem but easy to solve problems due to our penchant for playing pretences over important and critical matters.

Learning about one’s body and knowing what works for one is positive especially for women. This is because it takes a longer time and stimulation for women to peak. The role of self-examination is to have a guidebook of the body. When couples equip themselves with this guidebook, it helps to roughen difficult edges one of them may be having with his or her own performance.

Also, it would help a lot of men to drop the social condemnation placed on women who present themselves as experts on love-making. It would help most men get over the issue of premature ejaculations as well as weak erection.

The moment men and women unite in body, spirit, love, trust and faith to tackle sexually related issues, most marriages would be happier.

This is precisely what you should do; give your wife all the support and encouragement to help you with whatever knowledge she has of sex. There is nothing masculine or feminine about sex, because the bottom line is fulfillment.

You and your wife can get books or videos that teach couples with your problem on self aid guides.

Good luck.

Our Parents Sow Seed For Family Discord

Dear Agatha,

We grew up in a broken home, though my father and mother live under the same roof. It was indeed a very violent home where physical abuse was the norm. There was total hatred in the union between dad and mom. This was so evident that people including us never stopped wondering what brought the two of them together in the first place.

All the several ugly incidents that happened before they brought us all up were known. So much so we knew nasty details of things between them that we should know. Having them as parents, to us, was a big shame. It was inevitable for us, their children, to inherit their hatred gene. I, for one, would have since disowned them if it were possible for me to do that.

We were always in one contest against each other. Anybody could see that there was no family bond between all of us. We preferred to be nice to a total stranger or an outsider than to each other.

I actually thought this rivalry thing was part of growing up and that things would change. We are now grown ups, the eldest of us is 38 while the youngest is 21. By now, I thought maturity would have made right the entire past misdeed, but this is not the case.

It is so painful that things have not really changed and everybody has chosen to live his or her life without caring what happens to the others.

There are always grudges to contend with. Some find it difficult to let go of past pains. This has dug a very deep hole in the unity of our family.

Agatha, how can we gain love, joy, peace and understanding in our family?

I have particularly tried to forgive my parents especially my mother, but the memory of the pasts is interfering with my attempts. It is so difficult, because up till now my parents still do not understand the gravity of what they did and are still very much at it.

Worried Sister.

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Dear Worried Sister,

Even though it is a tall order given the history of your family, achieving peace in your home isn't impossible. What your family need is just the effort of one person to heal it of the heritage of hatred and improper foundation your parents bequeathed you all. Don't blame your siblings if they are unable to overcome their heritage of hatred. God doesn't work with multitude. He works with a minority to get the multitude going.

Since you are the one that is bothered about the relationships in your family, it means you have to set the ball rolling. To be the perfect icon and ambassador of peace and change in your family, you have to learn first to forgive and forget. You also have to learn to be selfless, enduring, caring as well as friendly with every member of your family.

There is no way you can be a good ambassador if you don't exhume the ghost of the past; this include all the hurts, pains, tears, disappointments, aches of growing up with your parents as well as coping with their insensitivity.

For all the ghosts to be rested and the pains of the past forgotten, they have to be examined one by one to ensure these ghosts are all bone without flesh. Any flesh on the bodies of these ghosts has to be skinned off before any meaningful attempt at forgiveness can be real.

There is no way you can forgive your parents or yourselves with the memories of all those bitter years still fresh and intact. Bringing up the issues would help procure a better understanding and with this comes the peace to let go. Some pains you would never understand for them, but at least going back to the scene of crime always produce better insight into the reason for some crimes whether in form of more physical evidences or physiological explanations.

To understand your parents better, you must first appreciate the condition that brought them together and the reasons they got married. Their families may have arranged their marriage. They may also have gotten married to each other for all the wrong reasons and being forced to stay together by the society. They have no choice but to keep the marriage alive despite their differences and choices.

The best you and your siblings can do for your aging parents who despite the magnitude of their differences stayed together to give you a home is to learn to accept them as they are. No matter the level of hatred they had for each other, at least they are still together, which shows that what you and your siblings think is hatred may be their own way of expressing passion. If the feelings were that deep, they really don't have any reason to be together again.

Love and marriage are strange combinations that produce different chemicals. What works for you may not work for another person, love isn't stereotyped. It comes in different colours, creeds, shapes, sizes, expressions, temperaments as well as bouquets. Some of these are so strange and crude to people around, but to the couples involved it is their own way of interpreting what they feel inside. Granted, some expressions of love confuse and hurt those around the couples but, people just have to let them be as long as it isn't life threatening.

The way your parents understand love and express it, is obviously different from your interpretation of it hence the importance of you showing them another side of love. Remember, after all these years of doing it their own way, they don't know any other way but theirs.

And unless someone who understands another way of expressing love leads them by his or her example, theirs would remain the only one they know.

Therefore, you have to learn to forget the pains as well as disappointments of growing with parents who are not so perfect because out of their imperfection came you and your siblings and whatever claims to greatest you now nurse.

Can you think of what they have never done for you or what they seem to like the most? Give them the best surprise of their lives. Get your mother a wonderful gift as well as your father. Show them your brand of love, although they may not recognise it at first but patience and selflessness on your path would eventually make them more amenable as well as amicable. Love can only grow from you to them if you learn not to condemn or judge. Allowing yourself to flow in the powerful and embracing grace of love and friendship is the only way to revive all that is dead in your family; bring about a powerful renaissance that would obliterate the disappointments of the past.

This is the role you must play in a family that is struggling with emotional disability and confusion. Your siblings want love; just don't know who to ask or how to go about it. Your position in the family has little to do with what you can do to help them achieve because you have the picture of their needs. What you require is the focus and determination to help them see another kind of love, the kind that would melt away all the bitterness of the past and as well show the beauty of relationships.

By refusing to be bitter, condemning and resentful, your family will come sooner or later to appreciate as well as emulate your special gift of friendship and good nature.

Change bearers as well as peacemakers are those with the unique power to forgive and forget completely. Doubtless, the past is a heritage but for it to work well it has to bear no grudge or bitterness.

Ask for the grace of God to be a worthy peace ambassador in your family.

Good luck.

Past Love Relations With Brother-In-Law Haunt Me

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem that has been disturbing me for close to nine years now. It has to do with my relationship and my past.

I am into a serious relationship that is about to transform into a marriage life, in a few months from now.

However the challenge is the man I am about to marry is the elder brother to the man who deflowered me.

I have discussed the issue with my husband to be and he told me not to worry. He said he has no problem with my past but the question is: Is it going to be like this forever? Once, the younger brother, told my fiancé’s best friend: “the girl my brother is so proud off is the same girl I deflowered”.

I felt bad when I heard about it. I was so disturbed I almost gave up my relationship but for the insistence of my fiancé who told me to ignore his brother.

Besides, each day, I fall deeper and deeper in love with him; and as things stand now, I cannot even run away because the other members of his family including his mother are very wonderful. This young man is the only problem I am having in the family.

My fiancé has on the other hand forbidden me never to bring up the subject again. He loves me and I love him too, in fact, he adores me, I can tell, because we have dated for a very long time now. He wants us to get married, what do I do?

Worrisome Lady.

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Dear Worrisome Lady,

Why are you worried when your man has told you not to be? It would have been a different kettle of fish if your new man knew nothing about your past relationship with his brother. That he knows and is still willing to go ahead with his marital plans with you shows he has sufficient trust in you as well as love for you.

To continue to agitate over an issue he has obviously settled is to pass a vote of confidence on his credibility or the worth of his words.

If you are unable to trust the worth of his words on this issue, can you believe him when something more profound comes up; something that has to do with his own credibility, which demands your implicit support and confidence? Trust begins from the little things we cannot hold to things that are very fundamental.

Your man appears to have a large heart; one that can handle that type of thing. To him, it could have been another man. Although unfortunate that the man turns out to be his brother, his love for you is the type that is blind to whatever you did in the past.

You did well to have explained to him about your relationship with his brother. Had you kept quiet, his brother would have used it to blackmail you out of the family.

Telling your man’s best friend about what you both had shows him to be immature and jealous of his brother. He never expected you after whatever may have happened between the two of you to find happiness again. Seeing you happy with no other person than his own brother has not only made him suddenly realise what he lost in allowing you out of his life but also the inherent qualities he never noticed in you.

He also didn’t think you would have told your man about him. Telling your man’s best friend was aimed at getting you to suffer a second time. He knows dropping such vital information in the wrong places can cause problems for you and would have done so if your husband to be didn’t know already.

Allowing such a feeble- minded person have control over you is to subject yourself to perpetual torture. Since your man didn’t meet you a virgin, he knew something had been there before him hence made up his mind to accept that fact.

Give him the chance to allow his trust in you grow. Raking up the past would make him begin to consider if there is any unfinished business between you and his brother and would make him begin to consider possibilities that do not exist at all. Don’t give him a chance to begin to suspect your reason for worries when he has told you not to.

I appreciate the oddness of the situation but it would help you a great deal if you begin to act as an elder sister to his brother by virtue of your relationship with his elder brother. Treat him as you would a younger person without being disrespectful though.

But be mindful of the limits you go with him. Ensure you are never alone with him because he could plot something to nail you with.

It might also be helpful if your man talk to him man to man to help him get over the issue of having his former girlfriend as his sister-in-law. While his attitude is condemnable, don’t forget that he also has feelings and that seeing you with his brother is damaging to his ego as a man. What you should understand about the behaviour of the average human being is that most people don’t want to see their former partners happy with anyone else. They are always hoping to see such a person end up miserable to give them reason to justify whatever they did to the person that led to the termination of their own relationship with that person.

For this reason don’t feel bad because if you do, it would not only affect your future relationship with him but the way his brother relates with him as well. Being the woman at the centre of it all, do what you can to keep the relationship between them cordial while at the same time you learn to keep your distance from him without making it obvious that you are doing that.

To quit is to give him a victory he doesn’t deserve. He remains in your past and the past he belongs. His brother is now your present and future. Do everything to keep him happy.

Good luck.

I Love My Children But Hate My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am the father of two children and a husband for 12 years. I love my son and daughter dearly, but my relationship with my wife has been suffering for years. In fact, it has evolved into more of a business relationship than a marriage. In the last year, I started an affair with a woman with whom I have discovered what real love is. She is everything my wife isn't and never will be. We love each other deeply and can't stand to be apart. I want to leave my wife and spend the rest of my life with this other woman. My only hesitation is my children - I don't want to hurt them. What should I do?

ThankGod.

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Dear ThankGod,

What is so fundamental about your marriage that you both cannot in the interest of your children and peace talk it over? If you have been together for 12 years, it means with just a little effort, the issues that seem so formidable can be resolved.

Having led different lives before coming together to set up a home, it is only expected that you would both get to a point of acute differences; a point where the only option appears to be going your different ways. There is hardly any marriage alive today that hasn’t gone through the arid region experience. It is a tough journey; one that sees the parties concerned trading blames as well and full of regrets at the choice they made.

During the journey, the grass appears greener at the other side, especially if there is someone on the grass carrying luscious and tempting roses. If care is not taken and wisdom not applied, the enticing perfume from the roses is enough to make the weak one in the desert give up in defeat and run for the roses.

Believe me, marriages don’t get to the happy ever after part unless the couple invests so much more than they imagined to drag into the free movement mode. You may see the other woman as your succour, your hope, the ideal partner due to the problems you are having now. If you care to look deeper, is she really a solution? Remember just like now, you once thought your woman and mother of your children held all the hopes to your dreams; your ideal soul mate and the only one capable of making you smile.

The same disappointments that have made her so unbearable will come with this other relationship. This is because there is no human relationship that is perfect. We are all products of imperfections hence our ways will always be paved with flawed decisions and actions.

There is no doubting the fact that a lot of hot as well as extremely cold water has gone under the bridge but would it be completely fair to heap the entire blame of your relationship on your wife? That you are engaged in an extramarital affair speaks volumes of your own contributions to the problems.

Yes, sometimes extramarital affairs are not instigated by one’s own need to have fun but as a result of finding the peace that eludes one at home. But it doesn’t remove from the fact that more often than not it brings about more complications.

Your desire to pack up your marriage gets its motivations from your relationship with this other woman. Because she is new, she is dazzling you with qualities you have forgotten your wife has, she is giving you the peace you think may never happen again in your marriage; presenting you with the picture of perfection your wife once presented you with when you first met her, but which has been eclipsed by your various pains and disappointments in the incidents happening in your marriage. That is not forgetting your joint frustrations at not being able to resolve the issues your way.

Would you also throw in the towel when you and this woman get to the point you have gotten to with your wife? Many men and women who have gone through multiple marriages didn’t intend it that way. Had many of them exercised a little bit of patience and tolerance, their stories would have been different and happier.

No matter the justification now, a time of regret would come; a time you had wished you exercised a little bit of patience. That is when you would come face to face with reality and know that in those roses are threatening thorns capable of leaving deeper and more painful marks; when you, in retrospect, come to appreciate the unique qualities your wife has, which no other woman has. Even the devil has a quality, which he doesn’t even know he has; that of edging us closer to God and appreciating how wonderful He is.

Having this relationship is not a panacea. In addition to giving you two sets of children; the rivalry of two mothers for your children isn’t a tea party because often the children inherit the bitterness of their mothers against each other leaving the man at the centre helpless as well as drained in his attempts to bring his children together.

There is no contesting the fact that we women can be a handful but men with wisdom have been known to tame the worst of women. A little bit of understanding is all that is required to manage the temperament of a woman.

Even in instances where the woman has strayed into the arms of another man, some men who have the maturity as well as the determination to make their marriages work, have found ways around such issues without breaking up their homes.

Deep down why do you think this woman is advertising her best qualities? She most likely knows you are having problems at home and that the only way she can get you to be with her is to avoid all the things you are complaining about your wife. Don’t get me wrong she maybe naturally good but when a woman has an agenda to accomplish, she is always several steps ahead of her prey.

What efforts did you put in place to stop your marriage from nose-diving? As the head of the home, what are your own contributions to the problems? Can you score yourself as being a reasonable and responsible man? Do you respect her wishes; consider her as an equal partner in the home? Are you sensitive to her moods as well as her needs? As a husband, do you have time for her and how well do you carry her along in terms of your own challenges as a man? Do you, like so many couples, assume your partner should know what is happening without being told? What has she always complained about in your behaviour? Do you compliment her on her looks or any effort at getting you to notice her?

The lack of any of these is a sure sign that there is problems within. Before you can brand her a problem, it is imperative you know the type of husband you are to her. If your solution to the problem in the house is to have an affair and fall in love with another woman, then she cannot be totally responsible for the damage to the marriage. This is against the background that you are spending time, resources and emotions that should have been channelled into making the marriage work on another person. So, she is bound to complain as well as react in a way you may not like or see as a problem to the marriage.

She can only stop complaining and acting her role as your loving wife if she is convinced of your loyalty and commitment to the marriage. There is no way she would have the motivation to do anything for you if she knows that there is someone else in not only your life but your heart.

In her shoes, what sort of commitment would you give when she has another man in her life? Your marriage has turned to a business arrangement due to the refusal of the two of you to come to terms with your different personalities as well as work out ways to tap the advantages buried in your differences.

The best way out for both of you now is to bury your pride, your disappointments, as well as your pains and make the necessary sacrifices towards the survival of your marriage.

For the sake of your children whose love and friendship you would always crave for later in life, sit your wife down for a last minute attempt at saving your marriage. Be honest with her; tell her all about your disappointments, your decisions to end the marriage and your new attempt to find ways of saving it.

Allowing her to see how much you have gone in your plans would help her put things in proper perspective. No woman likes to be termed a failure when it comes to her marital life.

No matter how heavy the problem is now, if you are both determined to resolve them, sincere in your options as well as loyal to your vows, the problems would become very weightless. You need prayers to make it work.

God that brought you both together didn’t make a mistake so if anything is deemed wrong; go back to Him in prayer and total submission to His will. We run into problems in life when we try to depend on our wisdom and abilities instead of His. This moment would definitely pass once you give God the reigns of leadership in your lives as well as home. Don’t be afraid to ask each other for forgiveness where a wrong has been done. It is the only way to move forward in life.

Good luck.

Guys Throw Me Off After Tugging My Skirt

Dear Agatha,

I would say I have been so unfortunate in my relationships. I have fallen in love severally with different men, who despite my various attempts to please them, still abandon me for another girl. I don’t know what to do any more or where the fault is coming from. As a matter of fact, I don’t understand what the problems seem to be. Please tell me what to do.

Tina.

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Dear Tina,

Several reasons are responsible for failed relationships, and in your case, the actual problem may not be unconnected with your values.

Many young women find themselves in unworkable relationships as well as difficult emotional situations due to their own faults.

Many women assume they know what men want hence acting on their own scripts execute their agenda without first asking the man what he wants and thinks.

You say these men still leave you for other girls despite everything you do to please them? Have you ever wondered if what you do to please them is really pleasing to them? Or simply present you as a desperate and cheap girl?

Contrary to what many contemporary young ladies think, men still cherish women who are conservative who allow the men take charge. Men naturally like taking the initiative after all, they are the ones whose lives, names as well as homes the women are coming to take offer hence reserve the right to make their choice.

Yes, being natural hunters, men would always take what a woman has on offer but when it comes to the choice of who shares their space for life, most men want to be the one who has the final say, and not the woman. This is the reason most men after dating and having free sex with one particular woman look for another woman to marry.

Although men are forever demanding for sex from their dates, when it comes to the issue of marriage, men put so many other things into consideration; for them, good or free sex isn’t a good reason to marry any woman.

So, if sex is one of the ways you claim to be putting in your best into a relationship, you would continue to suffer disappointment, because any woman can offer a man good sex but not all women have the qualities men are looking for in a woman they wish to marry.

Look at yourself, beyond sex, what can you offer a man that would make him close his eyes to even the best of sex from another woman? What can you say of your values as a woman? Do you know how to encourage a man to his optimum best? Do you have the wisdom and understanding required to navigate him out of a temper or bad situation without losing your own temper as well? Do you have the patience to deal with all his shortcomings without raising dust? How do you manage his home? His needs? How do you care for him? Are you his friend? Do you clean after him? Do you even pray for him? How much of a home maker are you? What is your relationship between you and his friends? What quality of your time do you give him? You could have quantity time without giving him quality? As his friend and partner, what can he say about you? Do you respect him? Are you responsible? Can he trust you to be loyal to him in whatever situation you both find yourselves in?

All these are things sex cannot do for you. A man wants a woman whom he can depend on at all times not the one he who can only give him good sex without the concomitant values. Relationship is a wholesome process; it requires so much to make it beautiful. In a relationship where all the other ingredients are of the right measure, teaching each other in areas of deficiency to attain success becomes a very simple task. For instance, a couple that has all the other ingredients right can teach each other to make first class love if that is their area of weakness.

Chances are that you are putting the cart before the horse. Slow down; take another look at yourself as well as your attitude concerning these men. What do you think you are doing wrong? What runs through all your relationship? What reasons do these men give for dumping you for another woman? Do you think they are being fair to you? This calls for absolute honesty on your part. Don’t be ashamed to tell yourself the truth, admit your mistakes to yourself. Once you have the maturity to accept your faults, finding a way out of your current situation would become easy.

In your critique of yourself, don’t leave out your manners. Sometimes, unworkable relationships have nothing to do with moral values but have a lot to do with personal hygiene and our quality of mannerism. If you are the type who doesn’t care about what you have under your clothes or other personal hygiene, you could find it very difficult to keep a man. Men celebrate women who are neat, tidy and know how to package themselves nicely, at all times.

And in some instances, you may be making the wrong choice of men, tailoring your preferences along the line of your friends’ dream men. You must have your own dreams to know what man fits best into your vision. Simply because tall and handsome men work for your friends doesn’t make them suitable for you. Your ideal man could come in form of a short man: what is important is for him to make you happy. But if you don’t know what you want, chances of you recognising the man who has most of the qualities you need in life is nil. Nothing comes from nothing and what you don’t have, you cannot give. You must also develop yourself to be able to make a man want you sufficiently for keeps.

Your cue is to look at the women who are displacing you in the lives of these men. What are they like? What advantages do they have over you? What do all these men have in common? Do they all look alike in terms of physical attributes? What are you conditions for dating a man? Are the physical qualities or the inward ones? A person could be pleasant to look at but ugly to live with.

There is no happiness without some forms of sacrifices. Your sacrifice comes from knowing what you want from life and staying focused on them. Once you know and are happy with the choices you have made as a woman, it becomes very easy to recognise your kind of man in a crowd of millions of men irrespective of his looks or status. Happiness is not what is on the outside; rather it is what a person has in the inside.

As a single lady, your concern should be getting the right kind of man who has the enduring qualities to make you stay happy. Only the right kind of man would appreciate the efforts you put into making the relationship work. No matter how much you try to make a wrong relationship work, it remains doomed because it was contracted on the wrong values.

As a young woman, one thing you must never trade with is your body. Any man who wants a woman for keeps would never make sex a condition for him to stay faithful in the relationship or for the relationship to exist.

Go into a relationship only after you have found out your faults and are determined to ensure you don’t go back to the mistakes. Don’t worry if you notice a decline in the number of men that come to you; it is only for a while. Once other men who before now thought they stood no chance with you discover the new you, they would come with the right intentions of staying and making you happy.

Good luck.

Tell Me What To Do To Retain His Love Forever

Dear Agatha,

Thank God for what He is using you to do in the lives of the youths. I am a girl of 22 years of age who is in love. My boyfriend first wooed me with tears in his eyes.

What surprises me now is his attitude. He changed last year from the man who desperately needs me in his life to a man who doesn’t care. His calls have become very rare. About a week ago, I called him only for his call to be answered by a female voice who told me that my boyfriend has left instruction that he doesn’t want me again and never to call his number again.

Although he called me later to apologise and to claim that he was merely putting our love to test. He promised never to break my heart again following his conviction that my love for him is real.

Please, Agatha, tell me what to do. I really love him so much.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl

If you are convinced that you still love him and that what he told you is true, go back to him but not before giving him a piece of what you think about his methods of assessing your love.

He has to learn to trust in your love as well as your person. Giving his phone to another woman to answer on his behalf as well as staying away from you was rather childish.

The more matured thing would have been for him to discuss his fears as well as anxieties with you rather than staying away. It could have cost him his relationship with you going by the provocative things the other lady said to you.

He must understand that a relationship without trust isn’t worth its salt.

Let him know that whenever he feels the need to put things straight between the two of you, he should be bold enough to tell you. Had you two being married, would he have left home without telling you where he was going to all in the name of testing your feelings for him?

However since you believe his story and sure he loves you as much as you appear to love him, forgive him and move on. One thing is for sure, there is no relationship without it fair share of set backs as well as period of pains. What is of essence is the way the couple involved is able to overcome challenges with minimal or no damage to their relationship.

Good luck.

His Love Is Too Erratic For My Liking

Dear Agatha,

I have read so many of your advices to people, and I think you are the best person that can save me from making a grievous mistake.

There is this guy I met in 2003 at the University of Calabar, when I went to visit my elder sister who was then a student there. We got talking and one thing led to the other we became friends, but we were not intimate. I was then in my final year in one of the polytechnics. We somehow lost contact.

One day in August 2005, a foreign number called my line and when I answered it, the caller turned out to be him. There and then, he announced his desires to marry me. He said he lost my phone number while he was in Nigeria and that he got it back from my sister's friend.

He apologised for not informing before travelling out of the country. He requested I visited his parents in Lagos. He gave me their address and when I visited them, I ended up spending two weeks because they refused to let me go.

It was obvious that they wanted me in the family because they all treated me with love and respect.

By September of that same year, he asked his people to come and see my own parents, they came for the formal introduction and promised they will come back anytime their son asked them to, he kept writing me and calling me on phone. From his attitude, it was obvious he wanted me and I him. His mother also took to calling almost on daily basis.

On February 14, the following year, he called while I was having my bath. My friend answered the call. When I came out of the bathroom, she told me about the call and when I scrolled through my phone, I discovered he was the one who had called. When I called him back, he was very angry and warned never to call him again. With that he cut off the line. When I asked my friend what had transpired between them; she said nothing and went on to advice me not to bother him again since he has asked for that.

I ignored her and went to a cybercaf close to my house. I wrote him series of email but he didn't reply any. I called his parents they said they will get back to me after talking with him, a week later his mother called me to say I should just pray that everything will be alright, the next thing he did was to change his line. I asked for the new line from the younger sister she said, he told her not to give me the new line. I tried all I could to reach him so that he would at least tell me what transpired between him and my roommate to no avail, some friends then asked me to give him time, so I stopped calling and he never called or wrote me email as he used to.

On November 15, last year, I was in my alumnus meeting when a strange number called my line. I picked it up only to discover he was the one on the other side of the phone. He immediately started pleading for forgiveness as well as requesting his desire for us to continue from where we stopped, that he is ready to make it up to me, he asked me to see him. I refused, he has been to my house severally, but till now, he has not told me what my roommate told him. These days he calls morning, afternoon and night, insisting he wants to marry me, that he can't marry any other woman except me. But I refused to return his visits or calls. What should I do? Please I need your urgent advice, because I don't think I love him any more.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Are you sure about not loving him anymore? If you are so sure about that, why this letter and why address yourself as a confused lady?

Understandably, you are hurt at his treatment as well as the attendant humiliation of having to cancel all the wedding plans without at least the decency of telling you your offence. Doubtless, it was very cruel not knowing why he condemned you as well as his refusal to even give you a fair chance to explain whatever your offence was.

Even though he displayed little trust for you or your integrity, your so called flat mate must have told him something nasty about you to explain why you weren't with your phone when he called. Whatever she told him definitely had nothing to do with the fact that you went to take your bath. She must have told him something nasty enough to make a man who is jealous or who doesn't have the opportunity of knowing you well enough think you were up to some sort of funny games.

All arguments could be advanced against what he did, but the truth is, you both don't know each other well enough. Before he travelled out of the country, your interactions were tailored to fit into your busy schedules. He was away in his school while you were also miles away in your own school. Your friendship was mostly conducted on the phone and whenever you both saw, care was taken to ensure you both were at your best.

You didn't even know when he travelled out. And when he called, you both were planning a marriage without looking first at your suitability as a couple. It takes more than the feeling of love to set the wheel of marriage on motion. There are lots of ingredients that must be put in place for the marriage recipe to be complete and palatable.

If he knew a little bit about you, he wouldn't have jumped to immediate conclusions irrespective of whatever your roommate told him. It basically shows there is no trust and your relationship has a long way to go before it can be ready for the challenges of marriage.

Whatever happened may simply be God's way of ensuring both of you acquire the vital experience as well as wisdom to make your marriage work. Flowing from what happened a lesson must have been learnt by him, that of not being hasty in jumping into conclusions. There is no way he would want to make the same mistake twice if he is lucky to get over this mess. For him to have come back to you means, he really do care about you and that despite what he thinks, he desires you for keeps.

Also, that he was able, on his own, to discover his folly shows too that he must have done some deep thinking along the line.

Before you totally condemn him, in his shoes, what conclusion would you too come to if his roommate fib a damaging tale about him? How much do you know of him even now to make you disbelieve a close associate of his? How would you react today, if someone he lives with calls you aside to say he is married with children in his base? Be truthful, what would be your first reaction?

Given that you know next to nothing about him, your first reaction is to accept what the person told you as the gospel truth. And if you were the type of person who is naturally doubtful about people, it would take a miracle to make you change your mind.

Whatever your friend must have told him, must have sounded so convincing and the truth especially if he doesn't have that kind of experience before and if you had always blabbed about the friend to him.

At any rate, she must have been a good friend for both of you to be sharing a flat or room. Because you both share the same space, she is assumed by everybody to be the best authority on your lifestyles and habits.

Coming back to you must have taken some guts, given the way he treated you back then. It wouldn't cost you anything to see him and listen to what he has to say. God may have deliberately planned this moment to give both of you the chance to grow your relationship properly. Nothing happens without a reason. And do you think you would have been able to withstand the shame if this had happened after your marriage? That the misunderstanding happened before is God's way of providing both of you with a positive agenda to pursue in the process of bonding.

That his mother didn't join issues with him is commendable. She must have known that one day the mystery of what transpired between him and your friend would clear sufficiently for him to realise his mistakes. Only cowards and the foolish refuse to look at past mistakes. We get better in experience if we occasionally look at our past mistakes. He has done that to have come back to you. Do the same by going to him, and allow him to explain what happened. Listen to what he has to say and not to the bitterness in your heart. Yes, he disappointed you but haven't you also hurt someone before? The greatest tragedy would be for you to wonder in later years if you had done the right thing by refusing to listen to him. If at the end of the day, you are still convinced that you no longer love him, there is nothing stopping you from telling him so. He definitely cannot stop you from doing as you please but it is in your interest you give him a chance to talk things over.

Good luck.

My Mom's Messy Past...My Marriage On Line

Dear Agatha,

This year, I would be 32 years old.I grew up with a single parent, my father and I love each other passionately because he was the one that I grew up with.I never had that feeling of motherly love.I just knew there was a mother somewhere, who hardly come to see me even though her family members come once in a while.I appreciate those visits.

Even on visits to her family home, I never for once met my mother whom I was told lived somewhere in Bauchi State with her new family.However, we later met when I was in primary six and by then she had left her husband, the she marry after parted way with dad.

For reasons best known to her, she is always annoyed seeing me around her.Overtime, her parents persuaded her to get her own apartment so that she can live with her children since marriage is not working for her.

After only a few months, she wasn't coming home again, forcing us to relocate to our grandmother's.Following her attitude, her parents invited her to come for us.She came in company of another man pregnant.When she refused to take us along with her, her mother pounced on her and gave her beating of her life despite being pregnant.

When my father came and heard all that happened, he pleaded I stayed with my grandparents' to finish my JSS 1 before coming over to stay with him in his new base in Lagos.

After four years in Lagos, my father was transferred again to Ibadan.I was in SS1, so he handed me to his elder sister who had always been more of a mother to me.My mother was also informed by my father about his transfer as well as the arrangement he had in place for me.

I dropped out in my third year at the university due to lack of cash.I couldn't afford anything as my father fell to bad times.He was duped when he set up his own company.His condition really got to me, hence my lack of concentration as well as focus in school.I felt so bad because in the whole world he was the only one who cared about me.There was really nobody to run to.

Eventually I was able to get a good job that came with my own apartment.Being so young and all alone, my colleague close to my apartment were close to me, especially her mother.They wanted to know everything about me and my family, in case anything happen to me.

This woman eventually reconciled my mother and me.My mother introduced me to her new church, Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries.Overtime, I was able to forgive her and would often join her in prayers when she was having problems in her marriage.

Few months after our reconciliation, her mother died and I later brought the girl from her second man to live with me.I enrolled her in one of the best computer schools in Lagos Island and she later got married and now lives in Europe with her family.

One day I had a call from my mother that she and the husband were having serious problems and she was asked to leave the house.I tried to persuade her to stay on or go to the place of her husband's sister, which is closer to her than where I was.She got angry and asked if I was coming or not.Sensing pains in her voice, I drove to her house to a scene that was terrible.

I had no choice but to go with her since her husband refused to listen.Since she had nowhere to go, I was forced to take both her and the children home with me.The eldest one had to stay with his father while three other younger ones would stay with my mother.It wasn't convenient for me at all.

I had to rush to my fiancé's place to tell him about the development.Though he had been to Benin severally to visit my dad, he hadn't met my mother yet.Hence he was happy at the opportunity of meeting her.

With the support of my fiancé, my mother got a job while my fiancé provided the money to rent her a two bedroom flat.I also gave her money to settle down.

But to my greatest dismay, my mother has been going around friends and her family painting my man and black for an offence I am still trying to fathom.The situation got so bad that friends began to ask me why I was being so mean to my mother.Even my sister, who lives abroad called to ask why I failed to provide furnished flat for our mother.

A lot has happened but the most perplexing ones are the revelations by her pastor brother that my father wasn't really my father and that I have an evil mark that has made my marriage of six years childless.

Due to the harassment of hired assassins, which left my husband almost dead we had to relocate abroad.There are revelations that my mother is behind all my woes.Even my husband is beginning to show resentment for my person.We have been to many pastors all around the world for help, but they are all unanimous.They harp on us holding on to our faith as the only panacea out of the spiritual problems we found ourselves.My mother has been reported to have sworn that I would never be able to give birth to a child in my life.

My marital life is now devoid of all the jokes and laughter that characterised nascent stage marriage.I am fed up.

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

The greatest spiritual battle in life is to fight one's own blood especially one's mother.It is a battle which only a firm faith in God as well as determination to remain on the path of justice can win for you.

Irrespective of how she treated you in the past, she remains your mother and has some spiritual powers over you.Every mother draws her spiritual strength over her child from carrying the baby in the mystery of her womb.Even where she didn't invest love and care, her powers over her child is strong.

For this reason, you must resist the urge to fight her.It isn't worth it because she would only end up doing you more harm than you already have.Your battle with your mother isn't only about your inability to bear a child, but also using your wisdom to buy your freedom from the bitterness of her heart.

From your story, her bitterness with you didn't start today.It goes to the day she discovered she was pregnant with you.Your presence in her life, though not of your own making denied her freedom, brought shame to her and caused some emotional and psychological set backs for her.Coming so early into her life, she holds the opinion that you short-changed her dreams.

Naturally, she is wrong to accuse you of all these things but when one is bitter and looking for a scapegoat, there is no reasoning with such a person.

Whatever happened between her and your father, she blamed and still blames you for it.In her heart, she holds you responsible for the mistakes her life has become; the number of marriages she has had to go through; the choices she was forced to make because of her history of being a used woman.You may not understand why she is blaming you given the fact that she made the choice to sleep with the man who eventually fathered you.When a woman has her dreams and trust shattered by a man, she lashes out bitterly at anything that reminds her of the man.You would always remind her of her nemesis.Nothing you say, do or give her would ever made up for the pains of her rejection by the man who fathered you.That both of them didn't marry shows that the feelings that prompted them to sleep together didn't run deep.Have you ever asked your father why he and your mother didn't end up marrying each other? Have you also asked him why he didn't remarry? His responses may give you clear clues to the reason for your mother's bitterness.

So it is a battle well beyond you, long before you were born.Therefore it isn't a battle some few moments of compassion would ever wipe away or make up for.

That you have succeeded beyond her dreams despite everything she did to make you suffer emotionally all that she suffered, only ups her bile against you.

Even if she is the most celebrated witch, running away from her isn't a solution.Being her first child, your destinies are interwoven.If anything happens to her today, you have a role to play.Yes, you tried your best but the moment you agreed to reconcile with her, you gave her new entry into your life.

It would not be so easy to get her out of it without some form of painful sacrifices.

She alleges you have abandoned her.Having gone the length you did with her, the wisest thing to do now is to come to some sorts of arrangement with her on her upkeep.If possible, come back to Nigeria to beg her and to tell her to pray for you.Ensure you go in the company of a person she cannot refuse his or her request.Even if you don't feel like crying, when you get to her, go on your knees, cry your heart out for mercy and tell her to forgive you of real and imagined offences committed against her.End up by asking her to pray for you as a mother.Tell her to wish you luck and happiness in life.

Tell her to pray that you have children of your own.

All these are to ensure that whatever curse or thing she has done to hurt you is reversed by her.Before going, embark on prayer and fasting for the mercy of God to go before you.Sometimes, it is not just simply a matter of faith but that of obtaining mercy.The difference between David and Saul is mercy.

What is most important now is God's mercy in helping you reach out to her wherever she is now could be the most bitter.Besides prayers, you know her material needs.Patronise her by acceding to her request for a well furnished house.What matter is for you to be happy, so make the sacrifices that go with having her kind for a mother? She is your cross; you must be wise on the proper technique of relating with her.

God isn't oblivious of what you are going through with her but for you to enter into your freedom this is the time for you to give unto Cesar what is his' and what is God's to Him.There are some enemies that will never die or vanish simply because we want them to; what we need is the mercy of God to scale through their mechanism with minimal pains.

And since we all suffer from the yoke of foundational problems, you need the mercy of God not to be a victim of her mistakes.For your sake, remove all bitterness from your heart.You don't need such burden in your quest for solution.

As for your pastor uncle, refrain from saying anything negative about your mother to him.The less you talk about her, the better for you.

God will teach you how to go about it.

Good luck.