Lost Her Flower In Odd Way…Now Our Dream In Trouble

Dear Agatha,

I dated a lady for over a year. From the beginning, we defined the relationship as marriage-bound. I was glad to know she was a virgin, and we never had sex. Recently, we began to have problems. An old casual friend of hers appeared and what began as a casual friendship blossomed into romance. Eventually, he proposed marriage to her. It was at that point I got to know about it. She told me she was confused.

Although she told him she was in a relationship, he won’t let go. She said she was under pressure. One thing led to the other and he deflowered her.

According to her, she tried resisting him, and even informing him of our sex-free relationship. I love her, and I know she loved me until things fell apart. From the way things stand, whether we would have a future together rests with me. She is in her mid twenties and has just graduated. I am in my early thirties and working. If not for what has happened, we would have begun the marriage process with at least knowing members of our families. I love her and yet the pain of the experience is equally strong. I feel cheated and used. I shared this with my aunt, and she bluntly told me, ‘She is not your wife!’ Please advise me.

Sunny.

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Dear Sunny,

From the look of things the decision is beyond you. It is something both of you must want desperately. There is either of you can do this on your own. For instance, you are not even sure she wants you back or in the same way you want her.

The decision to move this relationship forward from this unfortunate point, she has to show remorse for what she did, make a commitment to you never to be so tempted. She equally has to deal with the situation that brought about this development, which is taking a holistic look at her feelings for you and this man. She has to face herself, her feelings for you as well as what she expects from life generally. 

When things get this messy, it is best not to assume you have the ace. In the first instance something stronger than what she feels for you must have made her given her body to this man.

The feelings may not be as enduring as the one she has for you but don’t ignore the fact that it was strong enough at the moment she agreed to go into the bedroom with him to have sex. No matter the tempting situation, if she had wanted to, she still could have pulled away from it if what she felt for you was strong enough.

So, before you start making plans for her, ask her what she feels about you or how she intend dealing with such a tricky situation should she find herself alone with that man again.

Granted you love her so much and wishes to spend the rest of your life with her, but there is more to this than what you feel. You have to be certain that whatever magical feelings exist between the two of them is transient and not one they would continue to indulge in secretly. Remember unlike when she was a virgin and could easily assess her disloyalty to you, there is no way you can discover now unless you catch her in the act. So deep down do you think you can trust her again?

Or that she would have told you about this other man and what she did with him if not for the evidence of the loss of her virginity? These are painful variables you must consider before thinking of taking her back.

Think, can your pride endure this? Would your love be able to withstand this betrayal now or later in life? You are not just talking about a relationship but about a lifetime journey. While losing her virginity doesn’t make her less of all the other qualities you found special in her but sleeping with another man while in a relationship with you may not be so easy an emotion to handle especially if you are the jealous type.

Because of what you currently feel for her, you may assume the current situation is something you can deal with effortless. You may be right for now but how much you are able to deal with it depends on your ability to completely erase this from your memory as if it never happened.

Without you making the effort, you may never be able to deal with it as the surge of suspicion would always rear its head whenever you see her with another man or suspect her of doing things without your knowledge. The after effect of this type of situation is what destroys not only the event itself. So beyond being so much in love with her, how matured are you about all these? Do you think her actions were deliberate or a mistake she is already regretting and would do everything within her powers to avoid?

If you had the intention of marrying her, why did you tell your aunty, knowing that it would be difficult for your family to continue to support you to marry her? That was a costly mistake, one you should always avoid when controversial issues come up between you and your partner.

While you can forgive your partner of anything, your family would not be able to deal with it in the same way. So even if you decide to have her back, how are you going to clear up the situation with your aunty to get her support not to treat her with disdain and contempt to your person?

It would take a lot to get this relationship out of the wood. It is something you must both desire with passion to make all these obstacles vanish.

So, discuss with her what she wants and what she feels for the other man. This is the road of honesty. One, which neither of you can afford to ignore if you desire happiness.

She has to desire you as much as you desire her to get her to stay faithful to you and once you agree to move ahead with the relationship, forgive and forget.

Above all, you need to pray so you don’t make a terrible mistake in life. This is important because marriage takes more than love to make it work.

Good luck. 

Christian Sect Threatens Our Altar Dream

Dear Agatha,

I am 17 while he is 19. I am a Roman Catholic while he is Sabbath. The issue now is that my parents dislike my boyfriend’s church with a passion but he loves me so much even though he sometimes lies to me. At a point I wanted to terminate the relationship but I decided against it when he threatened to place a curse on me and that the curse would be more severe if I make attempt to call him thereafter.

Out of fear, I withdrew my intentions to terminate the relationship since I didn’t want the repercussion of any curse on me. Even my brother who should ordinarily like him also dislikes him.

He has proposed marriage to me but I am scared of making the greatest mistake of my life. I am a virgin and my parents are desirous of me marrying a Christian. I am in desperate need of help, as I don’t know what to do anymore.

I cannot contain my sorrow anymore.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

The issue here is not the reactions of your parents to his doctrine but his attitude to you and what you represent in his life. At 17 you are too young, so also is he at 19, to understand what you both are getting yourselves involved in. Love is like a naked life wire. Only the one with the most wisdom gets an easy passage through the dangers of a naked life wire. Both of you are still grossly ignorant about what you are both involved in.

A man who at this age has started threatening you with curses and other means to keep you by his side is certainly not one you should be considering having anything serious with because the signs are already ominous.

If he cares about you why would he threaten to place a curse on you and more if you attempt to get in touch with him? You went into the relationship of a free will so also can you leave relationship without fear of threat and curse if you so desire. He has no right to hold you to emotional ransom.

From all you have said, it is obvious that your parents concern is beyond the issue of church. At 17, relationship isn’t what should be on your mind but concentrating more on your future, education as well as laying down the positive plans that would enhance your life. Their disagreement is a blessing in disguise; to help you appreciate the important things in your life. Ask yourself what is important: your education or relationship with this man? Do you think this man would be able to stand by you when things go wrong later in life? Do you think his love would sufficiently see both of you through the challenges of life and marriage?

What type of marriage do you hope for with this boyfriend of yours? One contracted in love and peace or that done in force and blackmail? Sincerely what you need now is absolute concentration on your studies. I assure you that once you have the right attitude towards things concerning your future or life, getting the right man won’t be a problem at all.

That you are a Catholic and he a Sabbath shouldn’t bother you as much as you are allowing the matter. When the time comes for you to marry, such things would not be so much of a problem in the sense that you and the man you intend to marry would have the maturity to deal with such issues.

Then you would have the wisdom to put the important things first. At 17, the laws of the land put you under the authority of your parents; according to the laws of the land you lack the maturity and intelligence to take decisions in matters like this. At your age, the only rights you have are that of good education as well as life. This is why his threat to place you under some curses bothers you so much. Had you the intelligence and maturity, you would have known that such things cannot come to pass as long as you haven’t done anything to deserve a curse. No person can place a curse on you if God hasn’t done that. The Bible is clear on issues like this. Who God has not cursed, nobody can curse. His threat to curse you is baseless and completely lacking in foundation because your desire to leave him is legitimate, given the issues coming up in the relationship.

It would have been a different matter completely if both of you were happy together. From your account, it is apparent you are neither in love with him nor is he with you. For some strange reasons other than love, you found yourself agreeing to a relationship without actually sitting down to consider what is of value to both of you. Granted at your age, life is a ball of excitement but a lot of care must be taken to avoid making a mistake that would rob you of the essence of life itself since our choices have the power to either make or mar trends in our lives. Being a virgin, it is important you keep it for the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. To do otherwise is to short-charge yourself of some basic things in your marriage. Although being a virgin is no guarantee that you would have a successful marriage but it gives you in particular some privileges as well as assurances from your husband.

For instance, it erases doubts of morality that shrouds the woman who isn’t. To an extent your husband would be able to vouch for your moral integrity in the face of doubts whereas, he would think twice before standing up fearlessly to defend your honour if he doesn’t meet you intact.

It is of importance that a couple strives for fairness through trust and support at all times irrespective of the challenges that confront them.

If a person who is proposing marriage to you is at the same time threatening to place a curse on you, you need to be careful if you aren’t exchanging peace for sorrow. Whatever disagreement your are currently having with your parents over your different Christian doctrines would be nothing compared with living with a partner you are not happy at the end of the day or whose marital doctrine makes your religious difference appear like a child’s play. While your different religious doctrines can find a solution, it is almost impossible for a couple to find happiness together or in any endeavour in life if there is no peace at home.

These are more important variables in a relationship than what you are currently playing up. Your task is to stay focused on the things of God.

Good luck.

I’m Married But Still Searching

Dear Agatha,

I am 30 years old and married. Our union is blessed with a son.  During my Ordinary National Diploma (OND) programme I met a lady with whom I started an affair. When I noticed she was becoming too serious with me, I told her about my marital status. She cried endlessly for months but by that time my wife had given birth to our son. But for the birth of my child, I preferred this girl to my wife.

Last January, when my mother came to visit me, this lady was the one that took care of my mother. This is because my wife is in school with our son. I pay them regular visits. Because of the quality of care my mother received from her, she took to addressing her as my wife. This open acceptance by my mother gave this lady the assurance. This also brought me closer to her mother who accepted me with love. 

In October, I travelled with her to visit my mother where she met my entire family members except my father, who didn’t see or know about her existence. Since then she has been in touch with my mother and siblings.

But, suddenly, my mother is singing a new song. She no longer desires my affair with this lady or is she in favour of my plans to marry her. This is difficult for me because she has built her life around me. She is submissive and does whatever I tell her to do. Whenever we have a misunderstanding, she never rests until we make up. To underscore her love for me, she said she doesn’t mind if I don’t eventually marry her but I should get her pregnant and that she would take care of the baby without putting any pressure on me. I don’t want to hurt her at all as she has threatened to kill us both if I leave her!

It is not as if I am afraid of her, but I love this lady to a fault.

Please help me because I can’t turn my back on her now but at the same time, I love my wife and would give up my life for my son.

Anonymous.

 

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Dear Anonymous,

Why have you allowed yourself into this mess? Doesn’t this lady know you are married and still desperately trying to destroy another woman’s home?

In your wife’s shoes how would you feel?

You claim to love your wife and would do anything for your son, but how much are your words worth when you still insist on depriving her of your love and attention? What is your word worth as a father to this young child who has been left alone with his mother while you bring another woman to your home and take their place in your heart?

What is your word worth to a wife you promised to love and cherish when another takes her place on her matrimonial bed, soils the spiritual harmony of her home with her presence and stays in your house?

Frankly, you are not being fair to this woman and your child. It is obvious that you have lost all respect for her or you would not have done the abominable thing of bringing this woman into the home you share with her and introduced her to your mother as well as travelling with her to your village.

It is the height of disrespect and total disregard for her feelings and importance in your life. If she were your sister would you be happy at the flagrant display of contempt for her by the man she has a child for and who she is married to? Would you support the marital humiliation as your siblings and mother are supporting your treatment of your wife?

The marriage institution is a very delicate thing, one that is filled with so many unexpected turns of event. Today, the sound of your melody may sound so sweet; tomorrow it might be macabre, one you would regret ever starting.

While you reserve the right to do whatever you like with your life, change wives at will as you and your family deem fit, one thing stands out, unless you are clear about what you want from life, no woman would ever be able to make you happy.

This is because at every point in our lives there are always thousands of reasons why things should be done in another way.

If at 30 you are still unable to make up your mind about what you really want from life, then something is seriously wrong somewhere.

And, if you believe that once she gets pregnant she would quietly vacate your life and take charge of her baby alone, then you would believe anything. If at this point she is refusing to leave you, insists on killing herself and you if you try as much as think of leaving her and going back to your wife; what do you think would happen if she gets pregnant?

In your interest, don’t make this costly mistake of getting her pregnant. If you have never been clear about what you want until this point in your life, please be very definite about this else you might not be alive to tell the story of your life.

Unfortunately, you won’t be the only one to suffer the consequences of your adventure because when a woman gets desperate to keep a man she is a walking volcano and well of mischief.

Frankly, your continued fraternity with this lady not only exposes your weakness as a man but the innocent lives of your wife and son to danger.

Her offer to have your baby at all cost shows she is desperate and when a woman is desperate, she would stop at nothing to get what she wants. Granted, you deceived her into a relationship with you but decency and self-esteem should have made her terminate the relationship the instant she knew you were not available to love any other woman.

There is no marriage without challenges and the solution to these issues is not having an affair outside your home. Like you have experienced it also destroys the home.

Your mother must have realised the implication of supporting you to hurt your wife hence her withdrawal of support. Apart from pangs of conscience which she may have suffered, there might also be other things she may have observed to make her change her mind about the whole affair.

The ideal thing to do is to let go of her so that you can have the clarity of mind to think properly. There is no way you can ever see anything good in your wife with her constantly around you.

Be bold to tell her that you are no longer interested in her and wish to go back to your wife and child. Tell her that whatever challenges you are having with your wife, you wish to settle them with her.

Because your wife may have been told of the presence of this lady in your life, there is the need for you to go and see her.

Insist she comes home before telling her all about the other lady and all the details you think she should know. Telling her is to forestall the other woman or neighbours getting to her first.

Even if at the end of the day both of you decide to go your separate ways, let it be done in a very civilised way even though there is no problem that cannot be solved if there is a determination to.

By the time both of you sit down to discuss your differences; you will discover that with honesty and determination to make things work, you can pull your marriage out of the doldrums with the grace and mercy of God.

Good luck.

My Dream Girl Off With Another Guy…Any True Love?

Dear Agatha,

I am writing this in serious pains because the girl I prayed about and convinced as being the right woman for me has opted for another guy.

I am really confused by all these and wondered if true love really exists. I love this girl to my marrows and those around me can testify to my love for her.

I am above 25 years of age, just finished from the university and awaiting my National Youth Service Corps posting.

Agatha, help me because I can’t think straight and cannot handle this situation on my own.

James V.

 

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Dear James V,

Isn’t obvious from what has happened that she can’t be the right woman for you and that you must have misinterpreted the content of the answers to your prayers?

Often, when we pray with a motive which we are determined to have, we tend to deafen our ears to the right answers. At that point rather than accept what the Holy Spirit is transmitting, we begin to impute logic and reason as to why the answers must go our way.

One thing is to desire something; another thing is for one’s desires to have the blessings and support of God. Often times, His wills and ways don’t agree with what we want because He has the authority and powers to see thousand light years far more than we would ever be. Being our creator, He knows everything about us than we do. He knows what is always best for us and those He has assigned the task of helping us to achieve those things He has planned for us.

On our own authority we are nothing but a heap of sand and raw clay. From nothing He made us what and who we are. So I am sure if you had listened to the right words from the Holy Spirit, accepted His leading, you won’t be experiencing this emotional pains and aches.

The solution is for you to go back to your source and helper of all ages. That woman you think is perfect may at the end of the day become your doom which is why He helped eased her out of your life the way He did when you refused to listen to Him.

Frankly, count yourself lucky because many men who made the same mistake you were about to make are today wishing they could turn back the hands of the clock. Unlike you, God allowed them to go ahead with their mistakes only for them to realise what costly choice they have made moments after they sign the dotted lines.

Even though you ignored His instructions for you, He had to find another way of enforcing His right choice for you because from the beginning you called on Him. His words are more precious to Him than His name.

Rather than cry over what was never meant to be, celebrate the essence of God in your life and affairs. To appreciate what He has done, do a little bit of investigations within the marriages you know and you would be surprised at how the wrong choice of a partner can completely derail a person for life.

Marriage doesn’t strive only on sentiments but on hard facts about life itself because it encompasses the body, spirit and soul. No institution in life has that power to touch and influence the three essences of man. When one gets married to the right or wrong person; so many things change in that person’s life forever. If the partner is the right one, the soul and spirit are positively enhanced for success as well as for supernatural breakthroughs but if the choice is a wrong one, the damage to one’s soul, spirit as well the physical appearance is permanent.

A lot of couples having affairs outside their homes didn’t intend to but wrong choices of partners forced them into the hands of others in quest of happiness which have eluded them in their marriages. Is that what you want later in life and in your marriage? When the heart seeks emotional happiness it can do anything to achieve it. In your interest, allow the will of God to prevail because it is the only way you can be happy.

Rather than dwell on what would have been, go back to God in prayers, this time, listen patiently to what He is telling you as well as take the instructions on how to go about it. What you entrust into His hands never go bad because He is never too early, too late but always on time to meet our every needs.

When the time comes for you to meet your ideal woman, He would tell you but you have to know what you want from life as well as in a woman to avoid making another mistake.

Good luck. 

She Loves Me But Her Ex Won’t Let Go

Dear Agatha,

I am a 19 year old SSS III student in love with an 18 year old 200 Level undergraduate. She is also in love with me but her first boyfriend won’t let go of her.

I am confused as well as scared. I don’t want her for any sexual relationship because of the fear of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) as well as HIV/AIDS. But I love her so much. I don’t know how to handle my love for her as well as the threat of her first boyfriend.

Ebideke. 

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Dear Ebideke,

In the first instance your educational differences makes your relationship grossly imbalanced. If you are still in your final year in secondary while she is already in her 200 level, to be frank, there is no way this relationship would work because the indices don’t favour you at all.

For instance by the time you are struggling to pass your most basic examination in life, she would be preparing to go into her third year at the university and if things work out for you, you will be in your first year while she is in her final year.

And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to pass your examinations at the university which means you will not be in a position to marry for a long time.

So you see there is no way, if the pressures on her are mounting she would not consider another man. If you were the one in her current position, the situation would have been more acceptable and the likelihood of both of you staying together more realistic but as things are now, your chances with her are very slim.

Sincerely the inevitable would still happen if her first boyfriend is in a better position to fulfill her dreams as time goes on. So many indices go into the making of a perfect relationship. Beyond the feelings some criteria make for a successful relationship. Those indices clearly don’t favour you because you are not even sure of making all your papers at a go or getting admission into the university at your first trial.

While not totally dismissing the remote possibility of both of you pulling this through; it is almost impossible because even if she desires it, age, situation, reality, family pressures as well as peer influences are monstrous challenges ahead of both of you.

Besides, what gives you the impression that she is in love with you? Did she say that or you assume it based on her friendly disposition?

At any rate, what is important now is for you to concentrate more on reading to pass your examinations excellently well. This, to me, is the major challenge and task before you, not whether this woman is in love with you or not, or the fact that her first boyfriend is stopping a romance from happening between the two of you.

Even if she wants to risk the challenge of going ahead with you, she needs extra assurances that you would one day make the life she seems to be poised for. If you fail to pass your most important examination in life, not only does your chance with her die but so also with your dreams with quality women because being the man, you must be in a position to adequately provide for your family even if the woman would offer her support.

There is nothing as gratifying for a man to begin from an early age to prepare for the future. The future you hope for can only happen if you know how to prioritise the important things now. As it is now what can you offer her in terms of hope? How would you feel in the company of her friends who like her are undergraduates? What would be the meeting point when they are discussing about life in the university and you are still discussing how to pass your Senior Secondary School examinations? What would you be talking about when they are discussing writing their projects and you are struggling to write your Joint Admission and Matriculations examinations? How would you feel when she is off for her NYSC programme and you are still talking about registration into the school and your department? Honestly, this is a very tall order for you.

This has nothing to do with pride or arrogance but naked reality. She would continue to entertain her first boyfriend because you offer no better alternative after all.

Having this girl in your life now isn’t as important as setting for yourself through sound education the right foundation to excel in life. Believe me, by the time you are up there, you won’t lack the attention of women even when you don’t want.

In précis, stop worrying about her and this relationship and concentrate on passing your examinations. It is most important that this clearly imbalanced relationship you have gotten yourself entangled in, the girl and her ex-boyfriend should not be your concern for now. Your future first!

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

Compliments of the season. My name is Obong, I would like you to link me up with an educated lady for a relationship that would lead to marriage. The lady should come from south- south and should be based in Lagos. I could be reach on 07089060634

Though Cool In My Arms…Thought Of Her Ex Makes Her Sick

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I love so much but it seems she is still in love with her former boyfriend, whom she had a misunderstanding with before she met me.

Even though I can tell she is in love with me, she still responds to her ex-boyfriend’s calls and appears to feel better after such calls.

Another challenge is that there appears to be massive pressure on her by people close to both of them for her to come back to her ex-boyfriend, a development that is making her so confused.

When I asked her whether she plans on going back, she said no but admits to calling him. On the issue of being mine permanently, she said I should give her time to think about it. 

I have done so much for her within the short period we have been together but since the issue with her former boyfriend started, she hasn’t been herself and her health is not improving because her mind is not settled.

Please help me because this is affecting me deeply. I need your urgent response on the matter. Frankly, she seems not ready for me. Do you think I should continue with her or not? I am so confused.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

Step aside and give her time to sort herself out with the other man. It is obvious her purported break with the other man wasn’t conclusive and that what happened between them wasn’t fundamental. They apparently had only a quarrel, one of the many disagreements people in relationships have to procure better understanding between them.

Unless the point of disagreement is fundamental, it is not enough reason or excuse for either party to quit the relationship for another.

Even when couples have genuine reasons to go their different ways, it is always advisable they both allow the dust to settle completely before starting something new. The reason for this is to avoid hurting another person innocently when the pains of whatever might have caused the disagreements lessen.

Time has a way of affecting one’s reactions to issues. What seems unpardonable at the beginning of the day may end up seeming less of a grievous offence in the afternoon as well as being completely normal in the evening.

From her attitude, it is obvious that whatever may have led to their disagreement isn’t as important as it was when they went their different ways. Unfortunately, her inability to wait for a reasonable period of time before going into another relationship is what is causing problem between you and her now.

Because she is confused don’t know how to confront you with her change of mind stepping aside would help her get a very clear picture of what she wants out of life.

If you must be fair to her, you would appreciate the difficulties of leaving the known for the unknown. Her ex is the known, someone she has some form of history with, someone with whom she can predict what would happen the next minute with some level of accuracy. Besides, whatever might have caused their differences has made both of them wiser on what to avoid preventing a re-occurrence in that area.

The most potent and most useful is that they have been able to grow a circle of friends and loyalists, ones whose influences would help moderate certain grey areas in their characters. From the pressures these people are applying on her, it is obvious that they have a lot of influences on whatever might have caused their disagreements as well as the determination to resolve the issue.

They have also invested time growing it and for her as well as countless women, that is often the joker. You are her unknown journey; a fresh book, one she needs time to study as well as appreciate. Time is what most women who are in their 20s and thinking of settling down, don’t have in abundance. The riddle going on in her mind now is the fear you being able to play her peculiar melody? To an extent she can price his words while yours are still all new irrespective of what you offer.

You may have shown her considerable attention but would it continue to endure like this other one who despite her shortcoming, as a person, is still interested in keeping her?

While it is easier for a man to take the step into the unknown world, for a woman, lot of things are involved. The many ifs are usually why majority of women are reluctant to do experiment.

Her biological make-up gets in the way of her desire for adventure. She may really feel something deep for you but the fear of being left on the shelf, of you leaving her for another woman at the end of the day. This is the secret fear of all women, the fear of their men leaving them for another woman.

It would take more than what you have done to convince her to stay. It would take the grace of God as well as a special kind of love to make her close the book of her history with this other man permanently. To get her to do the right thing, don’t apply pressure because she has to live with the choice she makes now forever. If you love her, give her the necessary time to either heal completely or go back to her former boyfriend.

Honestly, there is no way she can be useful to you in the mood she is currently. If you put too much pressure on her and she in her moment of weakness settles for you when her heart is really with the other man, you would only be postponing doom’s day because there is no way she would ever be able to give the relationship the best.

When you love someone so much, you learn to give that person some freedom out of trust. If God says this lady is yours, she would come back to you irrespective of this minor hiccup.

But if she doesn’t, no matter how much you try to hold on to her, you would end up hurt.

Good luck.

Bail Me From Masturbation Before It Bends My Life

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column. Words are inexplicable to express my gratitude to you for the many souls you have resurrected and reinvigorated through your words of advice and encouragement. You have chosen for yourself an onerous and glorious task of shaping and making this world a better place. May God continue to bless you? Amen.

I am 25 years of age and my problem is that I have lost count of the number of times I masturbate. It is now a habitual and a daily routine for me to masturbate, and I find it difficult to stop this act of masturbation. It all started since 2001 when I was in my SS III. A classmate and friend of mine unintentionally lead me into this act by giving me some pornographic magazines to read, after which I start to masturbate. After my secondary school, it had become a part of me and watching blue films haven’t helped my case at all.  Though I masturbate, it has never affected my courage and desire to approach and befriend a woman. I once stopped this act when I was in a sexual relationship with one of my ex-girlfriends, but started it again immediately I left the country for my academic pursuit.

Right now, by the grace of God, I am in my final year and the best academic student in my school and on a first-class grade. I have been able to achieve this success mostly because I try to abstain from women knowing fully well the inconveniences, emotional stress, time consumption and most importantly the academic setback that having a relationship with a woman may cause me.

Academically, I am progressing but my private life is another story altogether. This has to do with the decision I took to refrain from sexual intercourse, a decision I am now fearful may affect my marriage later in the future.

This is because I easily get aroused whenever I am with a woman; which is also part of the reasons I totally abstain from women and have never considered being in any platonic relationship with a woman.

The major issue now is I still masturbate and do it whenever I am sexually aroused instead of sexual intercourse with a woman. I have been battling with this self-imposed problem of mine that I am now left with no option but to seek your counsel.

I want to know if masturbation affects a man's potency of impregnating a woman. If yes, please advice me on any possible solution to adopt to stop it.

If no, is it more advisable to continue with masturbation and let go of women for now, knowing what it would cost me to have a woman at this defining moment of my life? I stop masturbation whenever I am in a sexual relationship with a woman irrespective of the number of times we have sex. That I have a woman by my side is enough for me for me to stop the act.

Not minding the number of times I have sex with the girl. Please help me, as I don't want to ruin my future. 

Confused Man.

 

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Dear Confused Man,

What you need is determination to stop the act. If it is any help, a lot of men and women are going through this experience. At one time or the other, a lot of people have engaged in this act: some out of curiosity, others a combination of fear of the consequences of having premarital sex as well as inability to control one’s desires.

It happens to the very best of us. So don’t be so condemning or hard on yourself because such negative conclusions would make it almost impossible for you to have the right frame of mind to view things objectively.

Whatever reasons one may have for going into it, if not properly managed, could have far-reaching implication on one’s ability to have a normal satisfying relationship with one’s spouse.

While doctors say, it is a healthy habit and could help couples improve on their sex life, the caution is that it could also destroy it if a partner gets more satisfaction in self-stimulation, and it becomes harder for anybody to be able to do it right with him or her.

This is the inherent danger in self-stimulation. When you watch a blue film or read pornographic materials, the result is arousal. It would take a heart of steel not to get stimulated reading or watching those kinds of materials or films. The reason is simple, we all have our origins from the act of sex, so deep down it is there, the awareness of whom we are, the primitive reason we are on earth, and our total essence in life is laced with sex. If we must procreate, we must have sex. If we have to fulfill our essence, we must have children to carry on our legacies as well as dreams.

And since we are told the world is loaned to us, we have to keep having sex to produce children and to give them a better world where the dreams of more children can be fulfilled.

So, going through sexual materials only serve to remind us of whom we are and our major assignment on earth. This is the reason most people get aroused and not necessarily because they are sexually deprived or dirty minded as some people assume.

The major issue here is not your masturbation but your apparent inability to control your urges. You must first of all battle to put your urges under control because your inability to means you have a deep rooted psychological problem, more than what you are saying.

Beyond what you have said, is there any reason why you seem unable to control your urges at the sight of a woman? Think, is this the real reason you are avoiding women and not the issue of your being able to concentrate on your studies as you have led yourself to think?

To be able to tackle a problem, you must be willing to admit to the truth. What is the real truth concerning your sexuality?

If it remains just a matter of masturbation, avoiding materials as well as thoughts on the matter would help to an extent. Furthermore, being in your final year and at 25, you are matured enough to handle a relationship without it affecting your studies. Her presence is not to help reduce your sexual burdens but as a part of process to make you responsible to yourself. Responsibility means being able to resist some actions, utterances, urges that are not in line with expected behavioral norms. It is natural for a man or woman to desire a member of the opposite sex but totally unacceptable to embarrass that person with all the visible signs of one’s desire. Such signs have only one place of exhibition, the bedroom, if the conditions are acceptable to the other person.

You cannot continue to avoid interaction with women simply because you cannot control your urges. If you keep giving this as an excuse, it goes to show a complete lack of sincerity on your part.

Sincerity is the only weapon of help you have. You must use it effectively to maneuver yourself out of this issue. If you are unable to take effective charge of your feelings now, what assurances do you have that the self-control you cannot exercise now; you can when you get married?

It doesn’t just happen. Besides, you won’t be fair to yourself because your attitude didn’t start today. It took you several years to get to this point so you must give yourself some time to erase from your life.

Besides, this is something you cannot do on your own. You need a friend, a trustworthy female friend to help overcome this situation. She has to be a woman who is caring, understanding and very supportive.

Importantly, you need the help of God to win this battle.

Good luck.