She Loves Me But Her Ex Won’t Let Go

Dear Agatha,

I am a 19 year old SSS III student in love with an 18 year old 200 Level undergraduate. She is also in love with me but her first boyfriend won’t let go of her.

I am confused as well as scared. I don’t want her for any sexual relationship because of the fear of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) as well as HIV/AIDS. But I love her so much. I don’t know how to handle my love for her as well as the threat of her first boyfriend.

Ebideke. 

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Dear Ebideke,

In the first instance your educational differences makes your relationship grossly imbalanced. If you are still in your final year in secondary while she is already in her 200 level, to be frank, there is no way this relationship would work because the indices don’t favour you at all.

For instance by the time you are struggling to pass your most basic examination in life, she would be preparing to go into her third year at the university and if things work out for you, you will be in your first year while she is in her final year.

And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to pass your examinations at the university which means you will not be in a position to marry for a long time.

So you see there is no way, if the pressures on her are mounting she would not consider another man. If you were the one in her current position, the situation would have been more acceptable and the likelihood of both of you staying together more realistic but as things are now, your chances with her are very slim.

Sincerely the inevitable would still happen if her first boyfriend is in a better position to fulfill her dreams as time goes on. So many indices go into the making of a perfect relationship. Beyond the feelings some criteria make for a successful relationship. Those indices clearly don’t favour you because you are not even sure of making all your papers at a go or getting admission into the university at your first trial.

While not totally dismissing the remote possibility of both of you pulling this through; it is almost impossible because even if she desires it, age, situation, reality, family pressures as well as peer influences are monstrous challenges ahead of both of you.

Besides, what gives you the impression that she is in love with you? Did she say that or you assume it based on her friendly disposition?

At any rate, what is important now is for you to concentrate more on reading to pass your examinations excellently well. This, to me, is the major challenge and task before you, not whether this woman is in love with you or not, or the fact that her first boyfriend is stopping a romance from happening between the two of you.

Even if she wants to risk the challenge of going ahead with you, she needs extra assurances that you would one day make the life she seems to be poised for. If you fail to pass your most important examination in life, not only does your chance with her die but so also with your dreams with quality women because being the man, you must be in a position to adequately provide for your family even if the woman would offer her support.

There is nothing as gratifying for a man to begin from an early age to prepare for the future. The future you hope for can only happen if you know how to prioritise the important things now. As it is now what can you offer her in terms of hope? How would you feel in the company of her friends who like her are undergraduates? What would be the meeting point when they are discussing about life in the university and you are still discussing how to pass your Senior Secondary School examinations? What would you be talking about when they are discussing writing their projects and you are struggling to write your Joint Admission and Matriculations examinations? How would you feel when she is off for her NYSC programme and you are still talking about registration into the school and your department? Honestly, this is a very tall order for you.

This has nothing to do with pride or arrogance but naked reality. She would continue to entertain her first boyfriend because you offer no better alternative after all.

Having this girl in your life now isn’t as important as setting for yourself through sound education the right foundation to excel in life. Believe me, by the time you are up there, you won’t lack the attention of women even when you don’t want.

In précis, stop worrying about her and this relationship and concentrate on passing your examinations. It is most important that this clearly imbalanced relationship you have gotten yourself entangled in, the girl and her ex-boyfriend should not be your concern for now. Your future first!

Good luck.