Can I trust him with my future?

Dear Agatha,

I met this man last year who proposed to me after some few months of dating. I didn’t immediately accept his proposal because I was writing my final project then. But I’m now serving in Ondo State. Before I accepted, he told me he will be going for his master’s degree in the United Kingdom,(UK).

He is 31years, while l’m 27 years of age and I’m from Imo State but he is from Abia State.

He got me engaged, I have been to their family house on several occasion. Before I saw him off to the airport,   he promised to be back next year for our wedding. But when he finally got to his school in the UK, he discovered he wasn’t enrolled as a masters degree student but a fresh student which meant he would be in the school for three years instead of one year.

This man asked me to wait for him for three years without a serious commitment.

At first he did not tell his people but when he finally did, they told him to calm down and study as marriage will come later that even if I cannot wait, he should move on. I have people coming for my hand in marriage but I’m not in any relationship with any of these people. I don’t know if I should wait. He just left for UK just two months ago. How am I sure that he will not disappoint after waiting for him?

I made it clear to him when he was here that we would have nothing to do sexually because I wanted to keep my virginity till our wedding night. Unlike most men, he didn’t push me for anything until he traveled. 

Out of the little salary he has earned from last month that he started to work, he has sent N100,000.00 into my account which he said is towards our wedding. What should I do? I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe anymore. Please help me as you have been helping others with the wisdom God has given to you.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady,

Life is a gamble. It is never smooth or clearly defined. Everything we do in life is premised on choice.

You are the one in the middle of this whole thing. Looking at similar instances and what happened eventually to those involved; one might just be tempted to tell you to jettison the relationship and look for someone else here.

But there are those too who were able to maintain their relationships in similar situations.  Besides, that you are and a man live together is no guarantee that the relationship will work out. So your fear about the future if you continue in the relationship is baseless.

You may have a boyfriend here and he ends up disappointing you even seconds to your wedding vows whereas, a dating couple that has stayed apart for a while ends up marrying each other.

What works for one couple may not work for another.

That isn’t dismissing your apprehensions which are genuine and well founded. Since a relationship is primarily based on the understanding of the people involved, you have to find ways of talking as sincerely as possible to him. Let him know what your fears are and how it is already affecting your peace. He may not really understand what you are going through given the fact that he has given you his assurances that both of you would end up as an item in future but telling him that the position of his parents scare you as well as whether he has the ability to stay without a serious commitment, will make him better appreciate your apprehension as well as need for him to take serious decision concerning the two of you.

Although at 30, he isn’t also too young not to know his left from his right. By now, he should know the woman that is right for him. This is because at his age, some of his friends would be married so, if he is still depending on his parents to influence his decision, then you are better off without him.

At his age, he is well matured enough to appreciate the qualities he wants in a wife which he must have seen in you to make him want to marry you. The fact too that he is sending you money towards the wedding ceremony shows that he hasn’t forgotten you.

Sometimes in life, we experience delays and disappointments to allow God’s perfect His will for us.

The fact that he is able within such a short time to send money should appeal to your fears about him and his interest in you. Not many men who haven’t slept with a woman would do that.

Besides, he also has reasons too to be apprehensive over you ability to wait for him. Just like some men who go there disappoint their Nigeria based girlfriends so also do women here disappoint their foreign based boyfriends. It is a matter of personal choice and what one holds important.

Every relationship strives on trust and understanding. You must try to understand his situation for now as well as the fact that he hasn’t given you a reason to doubt him. If at the end of the day, he leaves you, it can only mean one thing: both of you were never meant to be. From my experiences a couple meant to be, will survive the toughest of storms to spend the rest of their lives together.

So rather than live in fear of what tomorrow would bring, try to relax and enjoy this moment of having him in your life even if he is thousands of miles away from you. The beauty of a relationship is to revel in its essence. There is no way you can enjoy today if you are constantly thinking of the tomorrow that may never come. Only God can be categorical about the pregnancy tomorrow carries.

You didn’t plan your meeting with him. A force greater than you brought the two of you together so why not allow the process go on?

All you can do at this point is express your concerns and worries to him through the telephone.

In the alternative, you can also consider going there to further your education so that both of you can be together. Discuss this angle with him if you are so worried about losing him to another woman.

But beyond your desire to marry him, how much of him do you know? Do you think he has all the qualities you need in your ideal man? That is, if you have an idea of the kind of man you want in your life.

Also, you should learn to trust God with your everything; it is the only way you can learn to be patient with the situation. Any person who attempts to run beyond his or her destiny risks destroying the delicate balance of life.

Also look deep into your heart for answers to those things that are bothering you about this situation. Many of the answers we actually seek are right there in our heart but most of the time, we allow our desires to override the tiny voice of reasoning pointing us at the right way to go.

Look beyond the issue of your age and look at what would make you happy the most in life. When a woman puts age on the front burner always, the tendency of her making the wrong move is high. This is because age creates fear and puts a woman under undue pressure when it comes to marriage. Refuse to be pressured by the fear of your biological clock in arriving at what would make you happiest in life.

The truth is, if you weren’t 27, you wouldn’t have been so bothered about him staying away for three years. Granted, age is important to a woman, but when she makes it extremely important to the exclusion of every other consideration; chances are, she might never be really happy with her eventual choice. This is why you should exercise a little bit of patience in handling this situation.

A responsible woman will never lack the attention of men who know what a quality woman does to a man.

Just put all your trust in God.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626