Dear Agatha,
I don’t know why my wife hates every member of my family. We have been married for nine years now and blessed with a male child who is six years old. After the arrival of our son, her hatred for my people, most especially my mother, grew. For some strange reasons, she came to the conclusions that my mother is a bad woman who pretends a lot and is also a witch.
Since then, anything I say about my people ends up in misunderstanding between us. When I realised this, I stopped discussing issues concerning my family with her. She doesn’t want me to have anything to do with them. When they call, she would instruct me to tell them she isn’t around. Sometimes, I say it to satisfy her. She also thinks I lie about the amount of money I tell her I give to them.
I confess she has been very supportive since I lost my job. But it is sad that since becoming the breadwinner, her behavior has changed. In all sincerity, it doesn’t bother me except her nagging over issues that are best forgotten. As a person, I don’t brag over whatever God has used me to do for anybody because nothing can be accomplished without His power. Whenever I remind her of this important fact of life, she calms down. She is very aggressive; the reason I disallowed my daughter, I had before meeting her from staying with us. She hates them all with a passion. I always tell her to appreciate God for giving her a male child. My sex life is zero. At times, we make love only about five to six times in a year; not because I don’t want to, but because she keeps resisting any move I make towards being intimate with her. Though, I still love her, but not as before. She even told me her mother advised her to end the marriage because everywhere they went, my mother gets fingered as being behind all the problems confronting me. Thankfully, she declined the mother’s advice. I am the very quiet type; I don’t talk much and am very patient but, patience shouldn’t be taken for granted.
Folaborn.
Dear Folaborn,
No, patience shouldn’t be taken for granted. But in marriage, it is never enough especially when things are this cloudy and inexplicable.
There are so many confusing angles in this story making it difficult for me to be précised on this matter.
What was the relationship between you and your wife before you lost your job? Has she always been hostile to your family members? What is the contribution of your mother to the strained relationship between your wife and her? Why didn’t you marry the mother of your daughter? Did you notice these character flaws in your wife during courtship? Have you sat her down to discuss your pains and disappointments at her attitude? As a man, in what ways have you tried to assert authority? Being quiet isn’t the same thing as being timid. A woman can be the bread winner but she must be respectful and sensitive to the feelings of her husband.
Before taking your daughter out of your house, did you discuss the issue with your wife? How did you and your family treat her when you still had a job? What kind of mother is her own mother? Is she the domineering kind who also lacks respect for her husband? If you were to comment on the relationship between your mother and father-in-laws, how would you describe it? How often do you resist attempts by your wife to recreate the kind of relationship between her parents in your home?
The reasons I asked these questions are to help you come to a better understanding of the kind of thoughts going on inside her mind as well as where the problems are coming from.
I will begin from the last four questions. There is no way your wife can be better than the training and examples she got from her mother. Except in very few instances, daughters grow into the kinds of wives their mothers are to their fathers. If her mother is in the habit of hushing her husband to submission through nagging, don’t expect anything better from the daughter. She will never be better than the example and situation she grew up knowing.
That is the only example she has; of a domineering mother and a hen-pecked father. The irony of life is that in most cases, girls gravitate towards men like their fathers. Chances are she noticed similarities in your person and that of her father. It isn’t something that happens consciously. Most of the time, we do these things unconsciously because the examples our different environments provide us with are permanently etched in that side of our memory bank that houses the hard-drive. We don’t get to use them as we use the soft ware but they are there and come to powerful play when important decisions concerning our lives are to be taken.
That is why we want our children to do things the same we did them as children. In a twisted way too, your wife also shares certain similarities with your mother; the reason you picked her for a wife.
Furthermore, the strength which has become a problem to you now, was in the beginning a plus as you thought it would come handy when things are not going on well for you.
The problem you are having with your marriage and wife is that of managing all the loose ends to your advantage. The fact that she is able to step in to care for the family makes your unconscious judgment about her strength on target but, as each day unfolds, this same virtue has become your pain.
If you want to escape being like your father-in-law, you must show your fangs from time to time. You don’t have to be violent to be in charge. There is tremendous strength in being quiet. Use quiet authority to take over the headship of your home to stop the downtrend of your marriage. Let her know that the reason you tolerate her excesses isn’t because you are afraid of being left in the cold; rather, you are enduring her behavior because you swore before the world to uphold the tenets of the marriage institution. Make it clear to her that you have a choice as a man to go outside your home for the comfort of a woman’s body since she is denying you of hers. Both man made laws and the laws of God will support you given the condition between you and her. Hearing that you do have a choice in this matter, would definitely make her more cautious; no matter her lack of interest in you, she would not want another woman to take her place; the reason she resisted her mother’s pressures that she quits the marriage.
She has persisted because you gave her the impression you don’t have a choice. Being jobless doesn’t make you less of a man. Which brings me to the next issue; only few women appreciate and understand the agony of a man without a means of supporting his family. If you have to borrow from friends, do so and begin a business, no matter how small it is. Going out everyday and bringing in something is the only way to end the reign of terror in your home especially with a wife like yours.
It is the only time you can sit her down to a meaningful discussion without enduring another series of insults from her as you will no longer appear to be pathetic. One question you should ask in your dialogue with her is, if you made a mistake by marrying her. Let her know as a man, you will always have a choice of whether to continue or not in the marriage.
In addition, find out why she hates your family with so much passion. If she is unwilling to talk, ask her if it has anything to do with whatever attitude they put up against her in the past. Chances are, she sees your current travails as a God given opportunity to repay you and your family for something they did to her long ago. Talking with her will unveil certain things, which you as a man and the head of the home must learn from. Sometimes, a harmless statement could be misinterpreted by someone with a deeper mindset to mean something else. The fact that you took your daughter away from the house is enough to make a woman with the tendency to make trouble, determined to make life very uncomfortable for her man.
You can use your quietness to thaw her by refusing to talk to her, instead concentrate on your son. It is a matter of you being determined to regain the headship of your home. You are losing grip of everything because you have become comfortable in your situation.
Again, the fact that you are taking money from her to give your family is enough for her to be rude to them especially as there appears to be no love lost between them from the beginning. Your family should understand your situation and refrain from asking you for money. They should think of ways to help you get back on your feet again. Their demand is contributing to your problems with your wife who feels bad that her money is being given to people who don’t like her.
Above all, learn to trust God more than before.
Good luck.
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With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
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