Is she God’s will for me?

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I need your help. I will be 28 years old in July and have been praying and desiring for a life-partner to settle down with for sometime now. I currently don’t have any girl friend and I am waiting for the will of God to happen. However, there is this lady in my class. I am doing a professional course. The first day we meet, we shared a seat. We have become close so much so the quality of our feelings for each other shows from our actions. For instance, we like being together discussing and sharing our different ideas. She has certain qualities I like in a woman. What more, she is respectful and humble. The question and the reason I am writing you is, could she be the one I have been waiting for? If she is the one, how can I disclose to her or find out if she has the same view about me without me hurting our relationship with my desires for her? We come from different parts of the country. Please I need your urgent advice. Aondo. Dear Aondo, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is no telling how she will respond to your request to take the relationship between the two of you to another height if you don’t come out of your shell to tell her how you feel about her. Chances are she too may nurse the same feelings for you but is limited by fear as well as socio-cultural norms from coming to you with how she feels about you. Besides, no reasonable woman gets offended by the interest of a man in her. The offence usually comes from the manner of presentation of the man. When a woman assumes he is the best thing to happen to a woman through his offer for friendship, then the woman could become offended by his presumption of her willingness to have a relationship with him. This cannot happen in your case because there is an established premise for you to express your feelings. Besides, it is the place of the man to ask and that of the woman to either accept or reject. Don’t be deterred by your fears of her possible reactions from telling her what you feel for her. As a man you must be bold to confront the woman your heart picks. When a man questions or reasons a woman’s possible reactions to his feelings for her, it only puts forward the knotty question of his belief in whatever he feels for her. Therefore, you must first of all be certain that what you feel for this woman goes beyond sexual attractions. As a man looking for that special woman to share the rest of your life with, you must probe deeper into all the possible reasons you desire this one more than every other woman you have met so far. Most times familiarity breeds contempt. Are you being goaded on to think she is special to you by your class induced intimacy as well as your desire to settle down as soon as possible? Sometimes, these situations can spur, actually deceive the mind to think love exists where only friendship really is. In addition, you must help yourself by taking time off to honestly and critically examine these her qualities alongside the picture of your ideal woman you have always imagined. Many a time, we get distracted in our search for the perfect partner by qualities we should never in the first place bother about. Had both of you met in different circumstances, would you have considered her as your ultimate choice? Between your ideal woman and this woman, how many steps apart are they? Are the issues miles apart or worlds apart? You can close the gap between if miles apart, but if they are worlds apart, then you have a big task ahead of you. Also, what are you basing your decision on; her facial appearance, fashion sense or the often ignored salient points of her true person and character? From your discussions so far, do you think you both have what it takes to combine your dreams? Can you count on her to support your dream in future? Do you see yourself helping her to grow her own dreams? This is absolutely important because without the spirit of compromises, it will become almost impossible in latter years to move the relationship beyond a particular point. Investigate the issue of her temperament, attitude at home towards others, her friendship with her siblings and friends as well as focus in life. Importantly, look at her loyalty to you, interest in the things that make you happy, reactions to your friends and family and those seemingly mundane things but which are in reality important. These are issues you should iron out on your own first before bringing her in. Once you have a clear vision of what you want, it would be easy to give your relationship all the necessary attention and support to bloom into reality. Once your motive and reason are honourable and you are at peace with God on your choice of her, she will not be offended instead, she will thank God for her luck in finding you. On whether she is God’s will for you, this I cannot answer. It is a personal thing between you and God. To be sure you are still on the right track, go to God in prayers not to enforce your will but to listen to what He has for you. Don’t allow what you feel for this lady, becloud your mind or distract you from pursuing your relationship with God. It is important you keep your relationship with God intact because you will always need Him in your relationship. Listen to what He has to say about your choice. This is the most difficult part; submitting to what He instructs. If you open your mind to Him, you will get the right direction through the quality of peace you feel deep inside of you. Whatever happens, don’t sacrifice your relationship with God; it is priceless. Good luck.