He says I don’t dress well

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for people like me who may never be able to reward you with any other thing but prayers. I have really suffered in my life. When I married my husband nine years ago, he was without any means of livelihood. 

Despite objections from my people who felt I was marrying below my standard and marrying a liability. The first years were not easy, I gave birth to a set of twins exactly seven months after our wedding. We had no inkling I was expecting a set of twins until the day of delivery.

It meant I had to do another set of shopping almost at once. It ate deeply into my finances fending for the twins and sustaining the family. My people refused to help because they were not impressed by the attitude of him and his family. 

Despite being aware that their son was jobless, they insisted that two of his siblings should come stay with us immediately after the wedding. When I protested, he wondered if it was because he had no job, that if he were employed it was his duty to cater to the welfare of his parents and siblings.

Against sound reasoning, I allowed him have his way. As if that was not enough, his mother brought his sister’s child to come and stay with us as there was nobody to look after her after the death of her parents. When I pointed the fact it was only one income coming in, she resorted to the situation that if the case were to be reversed, her son would have taken care of my family. 

She went to the extent of asking me to use my parents’ money to better the lot of my in-laws, that money was meant to be spent on people and not on building numerous houses like my selfish father. I was very hurt and didn’t know what to make of her remarks but because of the love I have for her son I didn’t bother to reply her and besides my parents would not have supported me being rude to my in-laws.

Whenever I complained about the wasteful nature of his people, to my husband, he would beg me to ignore them for the sake of peace in my house and since they help with the children and house chores; without the prompting of my husband I enrolled them in schools. Overtime, their attitude towards me changed for the better, in fact they confessed that they didn’t know I was nice, that the impression they were given was that I was proud and rude.

They in fact became my trusted allies and helped in changing their mother’s perception of me. It was from them I discovered that they got the wrong impression of me from what people said about my family because of their wealth.

 At a point the mother came to apologise too. We kept managing until my husband who consistently refused help from my father agreed to his help. Through my father, he got employed as one of the aides to one of the South Western governors.

I regret he did this because he changed overnight. In addition to not coming home at all, he doesn’t care about us; he has found new friends who he thinks are now superior to me and the other family members. In the presence of his new found friends he talks down on me, orders me around and sometimes takes to calling me names. Because of the burden I had to bear alone, I have lost touch with modern fashion preferring instead to manage what I have so that the family can be comfortable, the quality clothes I have are from my mother. 

To think my husband now engages in extra marital affairs to the extent he gives lack of my fashion sense as an excuse, hurts. His entire family is against him, I hear his mother has gone to the extent of going to his office to fight him. My parents are disappointed and would have ensured he lost his job but for my interference.

Agatha, I don’t know how to confront this problem, I am hopeless when it comes to prayers. Please help me; I really do have to do something to save my marriage from imminent collapse.

Adebimpe.

Dear Adebimpe,

If you must overcome this situation, you must learn to fast and pray. It is the only way a woman overcomes this kind of battle you are fighting in your home.

In addition, it has to be a habit; a way of life as prayer is the antidote to many marital challenges women go through in life.

A prayer doesn’t have to be lengthy to be effective. It could be a simple one as asking God to pass through the life of your husband. the important thing is to trust God implicitly with your everything; not the hours spent on a particular prayer point.

One thing you must learn is to have an attitude of worship and praise to be in a very good alliance with God.

What you have to do in addition to learning how to pray and fast, is to change that wardrobe of yours. Since he is interacting with people who are fashion conscious and in vogue at the moment, it’s best to upgrade your clothes and mannerism to match them. Continuing to wallow in self-pity will not help you at all, it is important you realize that if you fail to do anything about your looks, another woman is waiting in the wings to take him away from you. So it’s in your interest to look at your wardrobe and look into the areas that need upgrading. While I am not asking you to change your person, I’m saying harmonise your looks with your present status so as to remain relevant in his life. So many factors add up to his present disposition. Sometimes, we have to go an extra mile to mask the challenges we face daily in our lives and families. Your mode of dressing could be a reminder of a time he wants to forget. Allow him to forget it by doing away with the items that take him back to that time.

You are right to have stopped your father from terminating his appointment. He of all people should know that not all of us are equally gifted with the strong will to be our own persons in a crowd of people. A lot of us are victims of the situation and people we meet every day.

Just as you are weak in prayers; so also, is your husband weak in resisting his friends. You would definitely win the battle if you learn how to ask God in fasting and prayers, there is no marriage without problems, the only difference is how we tackle them and a lot of us capitulate early because we don’t know what to do.

What you are experiencing is not anything new, what is, is the technique you apply to ensure victory in your home. Continue to exercise patience and be civil with him. I know it’s not easy giving what you are going through in your marriage but don’t attempt to pay him back in his own coins. In marriages, one party does more of the sacrifices than the other.

What is important is solving the problem, help him with prayers not to fail and help your marriage with prayers to succeed.

Good luck.