Can I still go ahead with the marriage?

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

  Dear Agatha,

I am in a very big fix. My wedding is only three weeks away but I am finding it very difficult to concentrate on the arrangements or stimulate the necessary excitement towards my bride.

It all started at about a month ago when I ran into my ex girlfriend. When we were in school, I wasn’t too serious about her. Despite everything she did to demonstrate her love for me, I wasn’t too enthralled by her.

A lot of my friends didn’t like the way I was treating her back then, I recall my best friend telling me one day, after she came into my flat, met another girl left in agony and embarrassment at my treatment of her, that I would one day regret my treatment of that girl.

Although she came back after that, I knew something had changed in her. It wasn’t something you can pinpoint but she was not the same woman I knew.

For a while she disappeared. I didn’t bother to look for her because I was glad somehow was at least off my back. A year after, she came to see me in the office to inform me she was getting married. Strangely, I didn’t feel excited at the news. I didn’t like the idea of her getting married or any man coming near her. The feeling was so powerful and strange. I couldn’t explain where it was coming from or the reason for it.

This is a woman. I have never felt a passing interest in a good mate nothing more so why should I have this intense feeling of hatred for the man I don’t even know.

Casting away my gloom, I pretended to be happy for her. I took her out to celebrate but it was a mistake because the food tasted more like ashes in my mouth.

Needless to say, I didn’t attend the wedding. When I told my friend what I was feeling, he didn’t have any sympathy for me. He instead reminded me of my callous treatment of her.

It was a while, four years precisely before I got her picture out of my mind. Once I did, I proposed to the lady I had been dating. It was while shopping in one of those highbrow boutiques I ran into my ex girlfriend.

The moment I saw her, I knew my marriage plans were moribund. I wanted her like I have never wanted any woman. It was then it dawned on me that I have always loved this woman and the only one who has been able to touch me something very deep within me. I realized all that time I wanted her out of my life was because I was afraid to love and fighting my feelings for her.

Hugging her that afternoon did something to me I didn’t know when I planted a big kiss on her lips, which strangely she returned with the same measure of thirst.

We ended up in a fast food outlet where she told me that her marriage packed up six months after it was contracted. She said, she should not have gone into it in the first place. She refused to go further, especially when I asked why she went into the marriage. The man she said has since re married.

Somehow I didn’t want to know I was planning to get married. I was very afraid the information would make her disappear again into thin air. But I didn’t want to lie or hurt her should she get to know after she leaves me. Reluctantly, I told her of my wedding plans. She wished me well but she said she would not be able to make it since she would be out of town that weekend.

Agatha, I have lost interest in my marriage plans. I realize that she will forever be the only woman I love and want. I want her for keeps. My best friend says I should not get married feeling this way for my ex that it was better to disappoint my wife to be than to make her and myself unhappy forever.

My parents have given me go ahead to stop the arrangements if I am sure she is not the right woman for me. My mother says she would rather face the embarrassment now than to have me unhappy. 

Agatha, I am a bundle of confusion now. I can’t think straight. Is something wrong with me? Can I still go ahead with the wedding or do you think I should terminate it and marry the woman I am very sure would make me a very good wife. I love my ex with everything in me. Please help me. The wedding with another lady is fixed for Saturday, April 8. I don’t have much time to take a decision.

Edward.

Dear Edward,

Love is one emotion that makes the most wise of us act foolishly. True love can be very humbling. As you have found out you don’t choose love most of the time, instead it chooses you. When you had her at your side, you never appreciated her because you were trying to select whom you fall in love with.

Thank God you discovered each other again before you make another mistake of marrying the wrong woman. Since her ex-husband has re married, she is free to marry.

But before you contact your ex, call the woman you are about to get marry and explain your feelings for her. Don’t expect her to pat you on your back because, the timing is very wrong. But it is better than leading the poor woman to the altar and making her life very miserable.

Doubtless, she would be bitter, dejected and pained by whatever you have to say. You need to beg for her forgiveness because she does not deserve this treatment.

You also owe her family a lot of explanations and apologies. It is not easy to be view the picture of ones daughter getting married and having it extinguished hours before it becomes reality.

Since she would be going through a lot of anguish, be mindful of what you say and how you use your words presentation. Much as you cannot help your feelings, you can help lessen the pains by what you say and how you say it. The situation you find yourself in is very precarious so be careful how you go about it.

Don’t for now flaunt yourself with the other woman out of respect for the feelings of this woman. Knowing that you ditched her few days to her wedding day because of another woman could lead into harming herself or acute depression. You owe it to her, if nothing to be discreet so that she can heal faster.

If you can afford it, relocate to another place where your parts would not readily cross. Although she may never want to see you again or read a letter, follow up with a letter detailing her good qualities and how you wished you found that unique feelings with her. Tell her she would understand one day, why you did what you had you had to do when she truly finds that special man who would give her what you would never be able to do for her. It is extremely important she forgives you.

While you pray God blesses your current relationship, don’t forget to pray God finds her a perfect replacement for you.

Good Luck.