I don’t understand why he suspects me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a girl of 20 years of age and I started dating this guy at the age of 16. He taught me what love is and how to love. We love each other very much. I am so comfortable in the knowledge and power of his love that any other man that comes my way seems very irrelevant. I am of the firm belief that he is a divine gift from above to me. However, the problem is that we live in different parts of the country. I am in the eastern part of the country while, he stays in then northern part of the country. The distance between us always makes him suspicious of me. He thinks since we are not together, I am dating another person. My repeated assurances that being so much in love with him makes it impossible for me to love another man seem to fall on deaf ears. He is so unsure of me that when he calls me and hears another man’s voice even though the voice is that of my brother or male colleagues, he instantly becomes very suspicious and demands to know where I am and who I am with. He will also demand to know what I am doing with the male voice. I have tried to make him understand that I can’t love any other person, but he still doesn’t believe me. Please, I want you to help me sort this thing out, because even when I am telling him the truth, he still doubts me, what will I do to make him to trust me in everything? Onyi. Dear Onyi, Getting a suspicious partner to change a conceived opinion about the mate is one of the most challenging aspects in a relationship. Before you can change his mind, let’s’ look at what brought on those suspicions. Are these suspicions only as a result of your staying in different parts of the country? Or because you gave him reasons to be suspicious of you? There is a world of difference between you giving him reasons to suspect you and him being naturally suspicious. If he is naturally suspicious, you must try to prevent any situation that would make him more doubtful of you. The distance between you two can be narrowed by patience, understanding of his fears, loyalty to him and honesty in whatever you do. There is no way he can continue to suspect you if he has the assurances through your behaviour that you can be trusted. It is not just the verbal assurances that would make him believe you, it is all the other things which you haven’t been doing. I know how difficult it is to dispel the fears of a suspicious partner or to conduct a distant relationship for that matter. It is often not easy; it takes dedication, plenty of tolerance and understanding to get a suspicious partner to change. To understand his fears, ask him why he thinks you are being unfaithful to him. Although this type of discussion is best done person-to-person, not on the phone, but if the phone is the only alternative you have, ask him on the phone why he thinks you are cheating on him. Demand to know if you have given him any reason in the past to doubt you. It may not even be the way you relate to people around you but the way you warm up to him. Chances are if you have allowed him make love to you, you may have unwittingly given him the weapon to use against you. Having had access to your body, there is no way he would be convinced that you are also not giving the same privileges to another man. It is natural for him to suspect you of infidelity because in his mind, especially if he recalls the way you responded to his touches, there is no way he can trust you to stay away from the warmth of a male embrace. It is a very precarious situation, but you must find a way of convincing him of your undivided loyalty to him always. From experience, one way to do it is not to get angry when he starts suspecting you. Make light of the matter even if you are very angry and hurt by his constant suspicions. Reserve whatever comments you have on the matter until the time you will meet to trash it out thoroughly. The danger of responding angrily to him on the phone is the risk to the sustainability of the relationship. In growing a relationship, you have to factor suitability of certain situations or reactions to situations. Now that you two are still very dependent on the impersonal nature of telephone technology to sustain your relationship, it isn’t auspicious for you to argue too much to forestall the attendant stress that comes with keeping a free communication line between a couple who live apart. Furthermore, both of you have to make real attempts at growing your relationship to reflect your new experiences, wisdom and maturity. At 16, you hardly know what is expected of you or from a relationship. You are older. Your body chemistry and outlook have matured significantly between then and now. Your maturity, physical endowments and attitude may be so pronounced to attract a lot more attention than when he first met you. These may also be cause of concern and jealousy to him. He is afraid he may lose you to someone else, particularly as he is not around you to stamp his ownership on you. While you may not have control over the way he feels or a say in the way you are filing out, you definitely can help reduce his fears by constantly assuring him of your love. By not trying to deny the avalanche of attention you are getting from other men gives him the impression that you don’t have anything to hide and that you are responsible enough to know that whatever is attracting these men to you isn’t as important as keeping the one whose presence in your life means more to you. The type of company you keep too may implicate you. Who are your friends? What are the moral values they hold supreme? At 20, you would definitely have friends whose values may clash with yours. There is no way you can convince him of being responsible if you surround yourself with friends of questionable moral character. You may not be like them, but it would be hard to convince anybody who sees you constantly in their company that you are different. So be careful of the type of friends you keep since they can make or break you. Doubtless, he too may be influenced by his friends to constantly suspect you, the issue here is for you not to give him reasons to doubt you in anyway. Endeavour to be honest always. He may not appreciate, believe or trust you but by being focused and principled you will convince him of your worth someday. Good luck.