She’s wayward but I love her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wisdom with which you solve people’s problems. Indeed you’re a blessing to your generation. I write to share the issues in my family with you because I know God will use your advice to salvage the damage done so far. I married my wife against the wishes of my brother, not because she is bad but because she has children from a previous relationship even though they were never married. I saw in her some qualities I needed in my kind of woman hence my desire to marry her. My wife is a wonderful woman no doubt; one that every man will like to have in his life but Agatha, poverty has made me see the other side of her. While I struggle to make ends meet, my wife on the other hand is doing well and I am proud of her. In-fact, the house we call our own was built by her. This I say because she bought the land, and she did majority of the work. I, on the other hand, took a loan from the office when she told me she bought a land; though small, but to support the wonderful ideas she brought about the house. The loan was only able to raise the structure to lintel level. She completed the house from that point. When we moved in, the house was still without windows, she struggled so hard to ensure we fixed windows as well as do some other finishing that has made it a befitting abode. Agatha, before now, I caught my wife with a man and I was so heartbroken because of the pains, I left her but she begged me and I forgave her but it didn’t stop there. My wife can’t leave her phone with me for a minute. Severally, I have seen love messages she sent and the ones she received but each time I confront her, she reminds me that I wasn’t doing anything for her and therefore cannot control her. In-fact we can’t sleep at night because of different phone calls from different men at odd hours; we have had several issues because of this. Sometime last month, she told me she would be on night duty (as a police officer), I didn’t object but each time my wife leaves the house, she hardly picks my calls and when she does, she is either asking why I am bothering her with calls or insulting me, before I even tell her the reason for my call. She will end the call and if I try calling back, she will put off the phone. This has continued for days. Even when I tell her I love her on phone she won’t respond. When she picks my call, she just answers ‘’hello’’ without the pet name she calls me when we are alone. Recently, one Sunday, I didn’t go to church as I was trying to weed around the house. She called at about 10 a.m. that she was on her way. Normally from where she said she was would take about 20 minutes to the house but my wife never returned until 2:05pm. I questioned her and told her I wasn’t ready for that kind of life. She told me she was in a women’s meeting.This was a blatant lie. I was so hurt I reported the issue to her brother who lives few flats away from us. He said he wasn’t unaware of his sister’s behaviour and that he won’t tolerate such from any woman. Her brother and a female cousin of hers came with me to meet with my wife. She refused to listen to them. She told them it was over between us and that I should move out of the house since she built it. Agatha, aside her wayward lifestyle, my wife is a good woman. There is nothing I don’t do for her except buy her expensive wrappers. I’m considering getting an apartment and moving out of the house since she insists on it. Ever since the issue came up, my wife has not been sleeping at home. Even before this incident, we didn’t have a sex life. Please tell me what to do because I’m so confused but something inside me tells me that prayer is the only solution but how do I continue to live with a woman I can’t trust? Is it my fault that I am poor even though we don’t beg for food? I don’t want divorce but what do I do? Desperate Husband. Dear Desperate Husband, The issues in your marriage didn’t start after you both got married; they have always been there but you were either blinded by your feelings for her to notice or by some other things you played up then. There are some women, no matter the qualities they may have, who will never be good wives. Any man who seeks to tame them through marriage risks emotional aches. There is no way you wouldn’t have noticed some of her conduct and attitude during your courtship days. How much does a Police Officer earn to give her the kind of money you claim she has? When you noticed her affluence, did you at anytime ask her how she was making the extra money? Did you at anytime challenge her to know if the money was coming from her salary or other sources? What steps did you take in addressing the numerous affairs you know she was having? Being poor doesn’t mean you should tolerate infidelity in your marriage. To be poor isn’t offensive but when a man is weak; his wife becomes the boss in the house. You gave your wife the opportunity to be wild through your own lack of effective control of your home. There are many women who though are breadwinners of the family, still remember their responsibilities to their husbands. If she hasn’t shared your bed for a while, then what kind of marriage do you have with her? For how long can you endure the humiliation of knowing what she is denying you, she is giving it freely to other men? You may want this marriage but from all indications, this woman is no longer interested in this marriage. She wants the freedom to come and go whenever she likes. She may have the qualities you want in a woman but the question, do you have the qualities to keep her married to you? It takes two to make a marriage work. If she doesn’t want it, has made up her mind to move forward, there is little you can do to keep her in your life. It is unfortunate and painful but you must learn to respect her wishes at least for now. Granted, there is nothing prayers cannot do, but God isn’t a magician. Your case requires more of sincerity on your part than prayers. You have to tell yourself certain basic truth concerning your reason for wanting to stay in a marriage with a woman you say is rude, disrespectful and wayward. Is the fact of her being financially better than you the reason you want to stay on in the marriage? Do you have the emotional stamina to endure the knowledge of her unfaithfulness? You need to be truthful at this important juncture in your marriage. This is because there are certain things prayers will never do. It has to come from either you or your wife. For instance, the decision to be faithful, responsible and respectful has to come from her. You may think you have the ability to cope with all the other men in her life but a time will come when her conduct will make you snap. There is a limit you will get when you will feel like ending it all. This is the time to avert the danger of you hurting her or yourself by facing the situation now as a man. We all come with certain defects from the manufacturer’s table. This includes making the wrong choice of a life partner. You are a man and men generally need their egos to be massaged at all times. Don’t be afraid to admit you didn’t factor so many things into your choice of a wife. Your pride should not deny you of the wisdom required to make the right choice in this matter. Until both of you are able to discuss as adults, pack out of her house because from all that you have said, she isn’t ready to listen to the voice of reason. Accept the fact that she wants her freedom now. If you are both meant to be, something will make her change to become the kind of woman you want but for now, reality demands you allow her go. It is sad but this is what your kind of situation demands. You also need to be a man of your own to be happy in life. Good luck.