My husband is sleeping with my best friend

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a very confusing problem in my life now. I discovered that my husband and my best-friend are having an affair. I am hardly at home as a result of my business which takes me out of the country quite often. This friend and I grew up together. We have always been in each other’s lives. About two years ago, her marriage broke up. I didn’t bother to ask questions about the reason but decided to relocate her to Lagos since I felt it would be nice to have her around because of my children. She came at the time I was having real problems with my husband who was beginning to complain about my constant absence from home and the negative effect it was having on the children. He was almost getting to the point of him asking me to choose between my business and the family. It was really becoming very tough for me as the house-girl just left without the courtesy of informing me about her decision. So when my friend called to inform me about her marriage, I simply asked her to come since people were already demanding for items I had ran out of. This was last year December. Recently, I had reasons to cut short one of my trips only to discover that my friend has not only taken over my children but my husband as well. The most painful thing is that my children knew about the affair between their father and my friend but didn’t tell me. I feel betrayed and bitter about everything. Please tell me what to do; I want my home back again. Eliza. Dear Eliza, If your children are in the know of this affair between their father and your best friend and didn’t say anything in your defense, it underscores the kind of mother you really are to them. By their action, the children have elected to side with a woman who knows what motherhood is all about and one who is present at all times. It is okay for a woman to pursue some level of financial independence, but such quest must not be done at the expense of the children’s welfare. While the children can survive the absence of their father, they cannot endure an absentee mother. Your presence in the home as a woman, wife and mother is not negotiable. No amount of financial success or freedom can make up for the happiness and welfare of your children. It is one thing for your husband and best friend to begin an affair behind you, it is a completely different story for your children to be in the know and not tell you. Candidly, the issue now is not just about the affair between your husband and friend but that of you putting things right between you and your children. The first thing to do now is to sit back to x-ray the things that are important to you in life. How much are your children worth to you? As a woman, have you stopped to think of that tomorrow when you can no longer have children; when you will need the special warmth only children bring to the heart of an aging woman? Of what use is having all the money in the world but losing the important things in life? While your husband can always begin something new with a very young woman, what are the choices you have if these children refuse to be appeased? Honestly, their case is more worrisome than the affair between your husband and friend. There is really the urgent need for you to discuss with these children with a view of finding out how deep the hurt you inflicted on them really is. To get them to cooperate, best you begin by apologising to them; neglect every pride of being their mother. It won’t work with them at all. This is partly because they have in their own way replaced you in their hearts. They have found another mother in your friend who appears to be quenching their longing for a mother figure. Plead with them for understanding and be careful not to betray your emotions or the reason you have suddenly found them to be important to you. The danger of them knowing why you are soliciting for their support is better imagined than experienced. The heart of a child can be very rigid especially when they know that what you denied them could easily have been given. You maybe their biological mother, but if you haven’t given their feelings any consideration, ignored them while you gallivant around the world in search for one lucrative business or the other, learn to tread softly in your bid to get them back on your side. Bury your so called sense of betrayal and bitterness. You are not in a position to bargain since you drew the first blood by your non-challant attitude towards them. Beg them including bribing them with your presence, gifts and time. Make out time to take them personally to school, if they are still young, take them out to places of their choice. And if they are young adults, engage them in a very frank talk devoid of bitterness against their father or your friend. Let them see the desperation and determination to make things right between you and them. Admit your mistake; it is the only way to get heady teenagers as well as young adults to listen in this kind of situation. As for your friend, you caused whatever is happening in your home. She merely took advantage of your carelessness with your own husband and children. In the first place, you were more concerned about having her to care for your home than the issue of her troubled marriage. As a good friend, you should have done more in the area of settling the issue between her and the husband; instead, you encouraged her to come in place of the house-help that left. To be truthful, you were the first to betray her. A good friend would never take advantage of the friend’s predicament. You took undue benefit of her situation to exploit her trust in you. Though it doesn’t excuse her sleeping with your husband, but you are to blame entirely for the whole episode in your home. She came to you because she wanted a pair of understanding shoulders to lean on, someone to help her out of her travails, to hold her hands while she recovered from the disappointment of a bad marriage. Being a woman, you more than anyone else should understand her vulnerability at that time; she came to you because you were the only one she could trust but instead you made her your house-help while you went about your business. Sincerely, both of them may not have set out to hurt you by having an affair. An innocent gesture of compassion on the part of your husband may have led to this complication. Don’t also forget that your husband too has issues with you; has been suffering from neglect. It couldn’t have been easy for him all the while you placed business before his needs and desires. You made it clear from the choice you made that money and not his happiness mattered most to you. There is no way this messy situation can be avoided in the kind of environment you created in your home. You unwittingly paired your husband with your best friend. To edge her out, stay more at home with your family. Also call your friend’s husband to sort things out between them. The earlier you did that the better for you all. Sex is very powerful. For an adult who is used to having sex at will, the best bet is to remove temptations from the way of such an adult. If you fight your friend over the affair between her and your husband, you will not only be empowering them to continue but prolonging the situation in your home. Presently, your family doesn’t have anything to lose if you decide to go because you haven’t always been there for them but you have a lot to lose if they continue with the affair. This is that time in a woman’s life and marriage when she ignores her true nature for the sake of her home. you have more knowledge of life than those children who are simply giving vent to their anger against your neglect of them. By the time in dawns on them that they are in the camp of an enemy, a lot of things would have gone wrong. It is that danger you must protect them from by preventing a situation where your husband and friend will be too comfortable in each other’s arms. Take the step of sacrifice by going to see her husband and making peace with them. Don’t broadcast what happened between your friend and husband to avoid ill conceived advices. Learn to keep your dirty linen inside your house. There is no successful marriage without a supreme sacrifice. All of you are guilty and need the grace of God to navigate through this stormy water. You and your husband need to forgive each other to have a happy home once again. Good luck.