My hubby says I am caging him

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I shy away from discussing my marital problems with friends because one can never tell what their motives really are. I have been married for over 20 years with three wonderful children who are all in school now. We have had our problems one of which is womanising by my husband but so far, we have managed to get through it without breaking the marriage. Of course, like every woman, I have been harping on the need for him to remain faithful to our vows and stressing how his actions hurt me. He has repeatedly made promises to desist from his act but he is always going back on his promises. It has become a cycle in our marriage. The latest issue is that he is feeling caged. We work in the same place and drive to the office together. Initially, we used to travel together most weekends but after a while, I felt it did not allow me to effectively take care of the house and so I now join him on alternate weekends. He also travels a bit in his job and once every two months to visit the children. I felt the times away would afford him the opportunity to fulfill every of his erotic desires with other women. In the many years we have been married, my life has revolved around him and the children and when they left for school, both of us did things together. I am sad that he now thinks I am caging him; feels I should give him space. Sincerely, I am quite willing to do that if that is what he wants. I am planning to tell him that he can travel alone weekends and maybe drive to work on his own if that will make him have his space. I do not know what else I can do short of leaving the house for him. Another problem is that I am not sure how I can occupy myself during those times he would be away as I do not want to get into anything that will embarrass my children at my age. Please advice me on what else I can do to give him space and also on the type of things a middle aged woman can do to keep her occupied. Chinyere. Dear Chinyere, What your husband is going through is midlife crisis. He wants to relive that heyday when he was still young and attractive. He isn’t alone. At the prime of life, many men and women want to hold on to every remnant of those youthful days. I know how much it hurts to share your man with different women but this is the time he needs you the most; the time women must learn to be extra patient and tolerant of the men in their lives. Not many people are prepared for old age. Yes, we all pray to be old but when it suddenly dawns on most people that the future has caught up with them, they panic. Whether you like it or not, this is the time you need him the most so don’t just give him up. He says he is feeling caged because he cannot do some of the things he did back then. What he is contending with is more than you. It is more of a psychological problem, which you must help him overcome. Because the struggle is from within, he understandably feels caged; in his mind you are really cramping his style. Just like those old days of his teenage years, he wants to burst loose of restrictions, responsibilities, children and all those things that have made his life so boring since he got married and became a father. Even women, at menopause go through different phases of rejection, disappointment and nostalgia. It is different with your husband who wants to be a boy all over again. He wants to go and come back as he likes. Don’t forget the children are no longer at home; it is just the two of you, so he thinks he has no need to keep up appearances. Rather than feel bad, at his attitude or his words; look at the essence of your marriage. How would you grade your marriage? On the average of one to ten, where would you place your marriage? This is essential to the issue at hand. If your husband hasn’t been getting enough from you, in terms of emotional satisfaction and happiness all these years you have been together, it would take a lot of sacrifices as well as change in attitude from your end to pull this marriage through. You have to find a way to break him; make him listen to you and get him back from wherever he wants to escape to. This is where your knowledge of him comes to play. What does he like the most since you have been married to him? What also has been his most frequent complains about you? This is the time to pull the two out of the cupboard of time. Make him see you again as the woman he married by reminding him through your attitude, dress sense, cooking and housekeeping of those early years. Let him see that you can be attractive despite the years. Middle age isn’t garbage, rather it is a blessing. There are beautiful and flattering clothes you can wear to make the only rose in his garden once again. With all the children away, you both have to rediscover yourselves; the reason you agreed to marry and spend the rest of your lives together. Actually, the middle age is the reason we get married; not the earlier stage of it when children play the important part of keeping their parents together. The middle age is when couples must find their original reasons for marrying. He wants space because he thinks there is nothing for him anymore. By dedicating yourself to your vows again, you will be prodding his memory to recall that this whole thing started with his decision to propose to you. Compliment his looks, buy him presents; help him select clothes like jeans and very attractive casuals that slice through the years. And when he comes home, don’t nag or bother him about where he has been. What goes up will definitely come down. This is the age of wisdom and absolute trust in God because you have seen the good and bad sides of life. Nothing he does now should make you lose sleep. To get yourself busy, develop those fleeting thoughts you never had the chance to really pursue as a result of childbearing and nurturing. We all have hidden talents we never had time to develop because of other things. Yours could be writing, sewing, buying and selling, cooking, beading, knitting, beading or working with children or the aged. Deep inside you is a God-given gift to take us through the lonely journey of middle age. It is a gift that brightens the lonesomeness of the middle age. Take out time to discover your real self. You have so much still left of you outside being a mother and wife. Talk to God about it. As a matter of fact, you need to find it for your own well-being because loneliness through depression can shorten one’s years. Once you find it, it will help dispel a great deal of some of the depression you currently feel about your husband’s attitude. You won’t even have the time to feel bad about his request for space. Good luck.