Should my mother be matchmaker?

with Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and I want to thank you for the wonderful way you have helped people solve their problems. I am a girl of 23 years of age, I met a guy of 32 years who is asking for my hand in marriage, but my mother has refused, saying his job is not secure because he works in a private firm. She wants me to marry a civil or public servant. But she has gone ahead to marry a wife for my brother who is still jobless. My mother likes to be the one making all the decisions for everybody in the family. I am not sure I want her to take this particular decision for me. I just finished my compulsory national youth service programme. I am still searching for a job. I have not told my boyfriend my mother’s stance on his marriage proposal. Please help me because I am beginning to hate my mother. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, At 23, you are past the age of consent. You are in a position to determine what you want from life. The decision of who to marry is very important and personal; you have to be allowed to make your mistakes so that you will have the ability to cope with whatever kinds of challenges come from your personal decision. Sadly your mother’s reasons aren’t right. If she had mentioned something about this man’s character, objected to you marrying him based on certain disagreeable flaws, it would have been understandable but asking you not to marry him because of where he works is untenable. Even though your mother’s concern comes from her desire to secure your future since the civil service still offers the best kind of job security in the land, the final decision is yours to make because you are the one who is going to live with the man you eventually marry. This is why you shouldn’t bother informing your boyfriend about your mother’s position. It will only create unnecessary tension in your relationship. Instead, focus on what you want out of life. Your dream is what will help you arrive at the viable junction of your life. You must know who you are to be able to identify who is good for you in life. Therefore, don’t make a hasty decision simply because your mother wants you to go another way. She is wrong, but so would you be if you don’t take time to identify your kind of person. For instance, what kinds of things appeal to you as a person and woman? What kind of man do you think will make you happy? How well do you know and appreciate yourself? Are you temperamental, quiet, loyal, friendly and prayerful? Are strong willed or the kind of woman who likes the man to take the lead in her life? Do you have a complex or a lady who is proud of the skin and shape she is in, no matter what happens to her? Are you easily influenced by the opinion of others concerning you or the kind that makes her own rules? I asked this cocktail of questions to help you take a closer look at yourself. If you don’t know who you are, how can you recognise the man that will make you happy? What you don’t have, you cannot give. If you are the kind of lady who is forever floating with the wind, never putting in the extra efforts to define your own space, chances are you will end up with the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. To avoid your mother and siblings sneering at you in the event of a major disagreement between you and your own choice of a husband, it is crucial you take time out to answer these questions with all the honesty within you. Doing so, will help you recognise the inherent qualities you need to make the difference in life. It will help you marry the right person for you. When you are with your right partner, such things your mother is worrying about won’t matter. This is because you will always have the will to soldier on whatever the condition you and your partner find yourselves. Most of the challenges and problems that many couples face come from the foundation they lay at the onset of their relationship. One thing is for this man to offer you a proposal of marriage; another thing is for you to be certain that he is right for you. Once you are positive he is the kind of man for you, go ahead with your own plans while you keep praying to God to intervene on your behalf. If the man is good, responsible and is respectful, your mother will eventually come to appreciate him. Don’t hate your mother. She is only doing what she feels is right to protect her children. When you are on the other side of life, you will understand why she is bothered about the job security of the man. Mothers can be pains at times but be assured she loves you and means well for you. We are all victims of our individual experiences. She definitely has her reasons for actions. It is a matter of you having the patience to ask and the wisdom to understand. Good luck.