I’m ashamed of my husband’s age

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626



Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends. 
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
 

Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.