Re: She wants wedding

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I must say I bless God for using you to solve our problems since there is no greater job on earth than service to humanity. I pray God bless the work of your hands.

The above is the title of the initial letter I sent and your advice, which I applied. I called and asked her to tell me what her fears are. She said the age difference is too close, which I find very disturbing. Her other worry has to do with her parents who were transferred to my state, some years ago.

They built a house in my Local Government Area and work there. However, they don’t want their daughter marrying anybody from my state or the east for that matter.

I am surprised because her parents are both educated. Last week, I called to know her final decision from our discussion. She told me she plans to settle down next year whenever a man proposes to her or asks her out. I thought I could be patient but it seems with every passing day, I am fighting a lost battle.

I realise she is a woman and time is not a friend to women, but don’t you think something is not right here? She’ll be 23 and so desperate to settle down. I sent her your recent article, ‘Marriage: An institution no man graduates’. It’s really hard for me because all my dreams and plans are around the wonderful family and life I plan to have with her.

Again, you advised that when we get married we can still achieve a lot of things, but at 25, I am studying abroad and depend on my people for money.

Even when I finish next year, I still have to serve before looking for a job, that is, if I don’t further my study immediately.

Honestly, I love this girl so very much and was under the impression that she felt the same way about me, a fact I am beginning to doubt.

If she was able to stay for five years, why is she so much in a hurry when she knows I will be back next year?

I wish her luck in her search but it has not been easy for me and my examination comes up in January. I am not a bad loser, but it hurts badly knowing that one day, the woman I so much cherish and adore, would be walking down the aisle with another man is killing me gradually.

She noticed that I am trying to withdraw from her. I am really devastated because she cannot wait for me to succeed. Please, Agatha, help me to handle this.

How do I forget her? How do I go about it? And if you think I should hold on, where do I start?

Troubled Mind.



Dear Troubled Mind,

There is always a time and season for everything in life. In life, unless one is wise and determined enough to give each season its due recognition and attention, chances are such a person would end up in regrets. You have spent valuable time, energy, and resources preparing for this moment. Your immediate task is to concentrate on passing your examinations. All your years in abroad, money spent on your education as well as your efforts would be a complete waste if you don’t come out successfully in this examination.

The challenge before you now isn’t for your heart but your life. Once you are able to make the decision to concentrate on your passing your examinations, the issue of your heart will fall into place.

Granted, you love her but it would be a fatal mistake to love anyone at the expense of your life, which is exactly what you would be doing if you don’t pull yourself together instantly and focus on reading for your final examinations.

This is the important phase of your life. Your happiness and success as a man is tied to what you make of this important time in your life. While you can fall in love again, it might not be easy for you to have this opportunity again. Remember, time waits for no one.

From all you have said, you and this lady may really not be destined for each other. Having taken the steps of talking to her, give her the space to do what she wants. It will be on record that you did your best to preserve the relationship and that you didn’t disappointment her.

She has her reasons for wanting to get married this early in life and like you rightly observed, there are things you still have to do, put in place before you can be any woman’s husband. Failure to properly plan your life will definitely affect you later in life especially if the children begin to come before you found your feet. If she cannot understand and appreciate the essence of planning now, she never will.

Marriage is more than two of you walking down the aisle; it takes a lot more to get it started. The fun and illusion end with both of you signing the dotted lines. Reality begins almost immediately. If as a man, you are unable to provide her with some measure of comfort and secure her daily means, you risk losing her respect as well as of her family.

On your shoulders as the man lies the responsibility of providing for the family you intend to start with her. Do you think you have all that it takes to be her husband?

Chances are that even if you succeed in making her change her mind now, she may not have the needed patient at the end of the day to wait for you to be ready for marriage.

This is why you must think deeply. Ideally, she should be by your side now that you are preparing for your final examinations, but if she has decided to become impatient, allow her be to give you the peace of mind to study and pass your examinations.

Besides, you need the concentration to avoid remembering her. Chances are by the time you are finished with your examinations, you may have forgotten how much she has hurt you.

Her attitude has given you a good reason to evaluate your relationship vis-à-vis your outlook to life. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be in love with the right person. Do you think she has what it takes to give you the kind of support to make you happy at the end of the day?

In addition, how well do you know the nature of this woman? Don’t forget that, she cannot be the same woman you knew five years ago. Both of you have understandably matured, developed new views about life as well as acquired new values.

She may look the same, but deep inside her, she certainly cannot be the woman you left five years ago. New friends and life would have coloured her life differently from the way she was when you left. Just like you too would have changed from the man you were.

If you decide to stay on in the relationship, there is the need for both of you to really talk about the growth of the relationship. This may be the real challenge in your relationship. Your five years apart have definitely left lots of mysteries, issues in your relationship.

Even though both of you communicate everyday on the phone, but in more ways than you both realise, you have become strangers to each other. Unless both of you get together to talk, you may not be able to achieve the kind of results you want. No matter how well you try, the phone isn’t the right medium to communicate certain personal fears, the kind difficult to put a name to.

Only a personal contact would reveal the kind of fear she has for the future between the two of you. If you can prevail on her, urge her to stay action on her decision until you come back to the country. Your personal presence may resolve so many of these issues she and her parents are brewing.

If her parents are sceptical about you, it is only natural because you remain a figment of their daughter’s imagination. Seeing you may make them change their minds about you.

She is listening to her parents because you are not around and doesn’t know if you are serious about everything you are telling her on the phone. The fear of being left in the cold may account for her behaviour.

If you think she is the right woman for you and that no woman will ever be good enough for you, appeal to her to wait for you and that if after you come back, she feels she still wants to go, you will give her your blessings.

All you have to do is have an open mind and trust God to do what is best for you.

Good luck.