My wife cannot be trusted with money

Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

My wife is the problem in my life. With three children between us, our marriage is loveless. She is greedy and cannot be trusted with money. She is also troublesome. I just feel sorry for the children.

Worried Husband.


Dear Worried Husband,

How did you two get to this stage? Surely those children couldn’t have happened in hate, they must be products of love between two people who care about each other.

Although, you didn’t tell me how long you have been married, chances are that you are both going through the thorny years of marriage, when a couple think they have made a mistake in the choice of who to share their lives with.

Because of the shattered dreams, your mind is blocking off any attempt to remember those wonderful nascent years. From my own experiences, I know how difficult it can be for couples going through severe challenges in their marriage to recall anything positive about their spouses.

It is never easy to overcome a problematic marriage but that is not to say it cannot be done if both parties let go of the bitter disappointment and make a strong effort to change things.

Your disappointment could also be a function of your inabilities to study each other during your courtship years. A lot of dating couples limit their knowledge of their partners’ attitudes and qualities to only their dating years. They neglect to factor into their relationship those enduring qualities and dreams that would guarantee them happiness in their marriage.

What were your expectations of the woman who would end up answering your name and bearing your children? Did you ever have one and if you did, how did they apply to your wife when you met and married her?

At what point in your marriage did these dreams become nightmares? What were your contributions to the problems? Human nature makes it very easy to find faults in other people, neglecting our own contributions to the problem. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to destroy something very beautiful.

Did you measure up to her expectations, meeting her own dreams of an ideal husband? Yes, you may not be able to trust her with money, but are you giving her the chance to exercise her authority as an adult or do you police how she spends every kobo you give her? Do you give her the freedom to exist as your second in command at home or do you treat her opinion and actions as inferior?

What areas is she spending too much money? How come you think she cannot be trusted with money? Is it with the housekeeping money you cannot trust her? Is she stealing your money? Is it with her money? Where and what do you think she is spending the money on?

To be frank, there is no woman who doesn’t take advantage of her husband’s money either with or without his consent. Women generally believe that they have unrestricted access to their husband’s money and take the liberty of taking whenever they come across their husband’s money. Some go to the ridiculous extent of spending money meant for house-keeping on clothes and other things.

On whether it is right or wrong, isn’t the issue here. The issue is, it isn’t peculiar to your woman. To condemn her for it is to classify the majority of women as thieves. Granted a woman should ask permission before taking her husband’s money but we all know that in most homes, it isn’t practicable. Most women don’t feel they should ask permission before spending their husband’s money. If you think otherwise, let her know precisely how you feel about her attitude to money.

You can teach her to submit to your ways by not nagging or shouting over it. Be careful you don’t allow her escape with the impression that you are stingy because that is where the problem of stubbornness, suspicion and differences usually come from. When a woman has the impression that her husband doesn’t want her to take his money, she begins to suspect him of having affairs on the side. The thought of another woman having all the opportunities of spending her husband’s money while she is placed under ban brings out the green-eyed monster in her and before you know it, she begins to nag and misbehave.

Check your own contributions to the problems in your home. Admit yours and gently point her to hers. For the sake of those children, you both must learn to shift grounds because posterity won’t forgive both of you if you allow challenges that can be solved if there is the will and sincerity tamper with the peace of mind of these children.

There is a lot of wisdom in the old ways, which forbids a man from reacting to every thing a woman does. Sometimes, laughing at her and being friendly when she tries to quarrel could avert a major upset in the home.

Take a trip down memory lane to the first time you met her, to your wedding day and night, to the first time you held your first child, to those early days when you could not stop whispering sweet nothing into each other’s ears.

Follow this trip with a new determination to make your marriage work no matter what it cost you in time and pride. One of you must make the sacrifice to ensure those children remain happy.

Invite God into your marriage. Remember He didn’t say it would be problem free but He has promised His grace which in times of need is more than enough. This woman may appear to be very bad now but I can assure you, the next woman might be worse because nobody is perfect.

Marriage becomes enviable only if we invest into it.

Good luck.