Help! My husband is very stingy

With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,

My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money, always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money.

The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work too and that since I don’t spend my money on his children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family.

Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment.

I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so.

A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more treating his mother. When I pointed out his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will (being her only child).

I can go on citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law.

The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house.

I feel I am entitled more than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me.

Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members.

Chy.



Dear Chy,

Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than his person. By the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything, his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death.

Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise that, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage.

If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you through their stories every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands.

Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home.

Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons?

Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would.

Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes.

It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities.

Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage.

Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you.

You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do?

Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring.

Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret, complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real.

Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It’s either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong.

If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues.

There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes.

Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man.

Good luck.