He brought in another woman as his wife

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please help me urgently. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and blessed with three lovely girls. Although his mother has been agitating for a male child, he never gave the inkling that he was worried about not having a male child.

Not once did he mention it, not even when I was agitating for it. He was the one telling me not to worry about it; that he was happy with his daughters. He was forever telling me that I should cheer up, that there are women who don’t even have any.

With this in mind, I was rest assured that my marriage was intact. So you can imagine my pains and horror when he came home last week with a pregnant woman and a young male child.

He didn’t say anything to me but took the woman into the room next to ours. He settled her in, went into the kitchen to get food for her himself.

It took me a lot of will power to keep quiet until we were in our bedroom. It was then he told that the woman in the next room was his wife; that he was responsible for the pregnancy and that the little boy his, son.

I was too shocked to say anything. I couldn’t sleep all through the night. In the morning, he left our bedroom for hers and from there went to the office.

It wasn’t an hour after he left that his mother came in. she didn’t even bother with me but made straight for the other woman’s room.

Later the other woman and my mother-in-law went out and by the time they came back she was his legal wife. Unknown to me, they went to the registry to make formal their union. That night she moved into our matrimonial room ably supported by my mother-in-law who insisted she should sleep with her husband on her wedding night.

That was when I lost my cool. I slapped the woman hard on her cheek and that was when all hell was released in my home. But for the interventions of our neighbours who had never come to settle any dispute in my home, my mother-in-law would have thrown my children and I out of the house.

My husband met the commotion. He didn’t say anything to anybody. Instead, he went into the room and stayed there until everyone left.

The next morning he woke up before anybody, came into the children’s room, woke me up and told me to pack my things out the house. He told me that if I didn’t, I would regret knowing him.

That night, he almost killed me when he came back to meet me and the children still at home. From that day, it has become a pattern in my home for my husband to beat me.

I actually wanted to leave but my pastor insists I stay on because it is my home. My friends think I would be stupid to leave for another woman. My children want us to leave.

Sincerely I am so confused, don’t know what to do.

Agatha, I only married him under the customary law. After he paid my bride price and met my people, I moved in with him because by then I was already pregnant. I was so secured in his love, I didn’t push we go to the registry to formalize it. Although I pressurized him when his mother began to agitate for male child, I didn’t push it again when he kept telling me not to worry.

I love my husband but don’t know what to do about this. He isn’t acting like the man I know at all. I know something is wrong. Please I don’t know what to do. My mother-in-law says the other woman is the legal wife? Agatha, is it true? What are my chances in my marriage? It is all so frustrating.

Betrayed Wife.



Dear Betrayed Wife

Unfortunately and painfully, it is true that the other woman by virtue of being the one he married under the common law, is the legal wife recognized by the government. Because he married you under the customary law, the law sadly is on her side. You cannot sue for bigamy. The law of the Federal Republic of Nigeria recognizes polygamy provided the man didn’t marry his wives under the common law.

Call it unfair, but regrettably this is the position of the law.

Honestly, you need time out to think and have a breath of fresh air. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, you are going through very tough and difficult times. If you are not careful, you risk developing blood pressure or suffer stroke because of what is happening to you. There is no way you can think in this kind of situation and hostility. Besides, only the wise runs to fight another day. Who do you think would care for your children if during his strange and violent moments, he kills you?

Can the dead care, train and provide for children? Only the living does that. This situation requires wisdom to handle. To continue to stay is to put your life and those of your children at risk. Frankly, this marriage is n

ot worth you dying for. It is too complex and dangerous for you at this moment.

There is no way you can fight all three without losing something in the end. Even if you can fight all of them, what about your children? Are they strong enough to resist? Apart from the physical, a lot of spiritual manipulation is going on here, one you have to avoid until its potency clears enough for your husband to realize his mistakes. The truth is, if you don’t leave on your own, his mother and the other woman are quite capable of making you leave by force.

This battle isn’t yours to fight. Only God wins this kind of battle effortlessly and unless you leave, your husband would never come to his senses. They would continue to renew that thing they did to him to make him hate you so much.

Also consider the psychological effect of your being beaten daily by their father on the children. Being girls, these experiences could for life color their views concerning marriage and you won’t be able to convince them to change their minds. You owe it to these children and yourself to be happy again. You also need to protect them from all these violence. If you die, your children would be other people’s children, to send on errand, do the house chores while their own children go to school.

Only a fool stays near a burning fuel tanker or raging volcano. For now, your husband is raging; forget whether he is under some spell or not, the fact is, his anger is against you. it takes one fatal blow to terminate a life. If he is under influence like you suspect, then you are in more danger as he could be controlled to do anything his operators wish at any time. He would have done it before coming to his senses.

If you can afford it, no matter how small the accommodation is, move into a place where you can have the peace and presence of mind to think of your life, plan for the children and pray to God. He has already married her and there is nothing you on your own can do about that. Only God can do something about it so why allow yourself to be killed in a battle you lack the power to win?

Bear in mind that whatever goes up, comes down. Your day of laughter and thanksgiving would come but only if you are alive. For now, your children are your solace, your pride and comfort. Allow them to suffocate you with care and love. Believe me, children are very good at this. They know without being told when their mother needs their protection, attention and care. They may not have money to give you now, but they have so much love, loyalty and trust in your abilities to bounce back.

Your leaving is to help him with prayers as well as concentrate on caring for your children. Ensure you give them the best to help them get to the height of their career choices. It is the best way to silence people like your mother-in-law who thinks female children are worthless. You simply have to be strong for the children because the battle ahead requires strength and determination to overcome. Wipe those tears away and get moving because you haven’t even started on this journey of strength of mind. Be determined to emboss success on your children so much that, your husband’s family would be irrelevant without them.

This is the request you should take to God in prayers and worship. Don’t worry. The God you serve is strong and knows how to fight our battles.

Good luck