Dear Agatha,
I am 25 years of age and still live with my parents at home. I won’t describe my parents’ marriage as ideal as my father is forever accusing my mother of having extra marital affairs. Sincerely, he isn’t off the target as my mother specialises in dating younger men.
Severally my father has had to send some young men away from our premises, who come asking to be employed as drivers. Since I spent the better part of my life away from home: entered into boarding school from JSS 1, beyond what I experience during the holidays and the complaints of my younger ones, I can’t say categorically that I know my mother very well.
All I know is that she is very fashionable and beautiful as well as a socialite. Unlike my father who is more into his children and home, my mother doesn’t care much about us.
We have all come to accept her for whom she is and the times I am at home or when my father comes to visit me in school. I always tell him not to bother too much about my mother. I often tell him that after 26 years as a couple he should be used to her ways by now.
It is an open secret that my father is the one keeping the marriage; my mother doesn’t care one bit about it. As a child, can’t recall when she went to the kitchen to cook, I don’t even know what the taste of her food is like. She is that bad.
Although I have always known my mother’s weakness for young virile men, not once did it occur to me that my mother is capable of sleeping with my own boyfriend.
About three months ago, I brought my fiancé home to meet my parents. He finished before me and travelled to England to further his studies. He came back about four months ago to ask for my hand in marriage. Since his parents were familiar with me, I brought him home to inform my parents of our intentions to spend the rest of our lives together. My father has also met him while he was still in school.
My mother was at home on the day he came. We all agreed on the day his parents would come to meet mine. Three weeks after, they came for formal introduction and to agree on a date for the introduction and wedding.
It was during the period of our wedding planning that I ran into my mother and fiancé coming out of a hotel close to the house of the caterer I contracted for the wedding.
While I was still trying to fathom what both of them could be doing in that place, my mother oblivious of who might be looking gave him a quick peck on his lips before zooming off in her car.
I didn’t need to be told what they had gone to do in the hotel. My boyfriend didn’t know what to say when I called out his name. Right there and then he confessed and started begging for my forgiveness. He claimed not to know how it all happened; that all he remembers is my mother inviting him over for discussions concerning the wedding plans.
I am pained and so confused. Agatha, our wedding is on December 18. I want to end it all. There is no way I can go ahead with a wedding to the man who has slept with my mother. The worst thing is my mother’s attitude. Even when I confronted her with what she had done, her attitude was ‘so what!’
My boyfriend and his best man have been pleading with me. My chief bride’s mate who has been my friend since our childhood is of the opinion that my mother must have charmed my boyfriend and that the best way to deal with her is to forgive my boyfriend and go ahead with the marriage.
I am so confused. I haven’t told my father anything since I don’t want to hurt him more than she has hurt him all these years. Please tell me what to do. He is the only man I have ever fallen in love with in all my life. We have been together for five years and not once has he cheated on me. Even he was away, he kept calling me religiously everyday for the 18 months he was abroad. Once he sent money down for me to visit him. He has been that dedicated to me. He is still insisting he doesn’t know how he ended up in the hotel with my mother.
Todun.
I am 25 years of age and still live with my parents at home. I won’t describe my parents’ marriage as ideal as my father is forever accusing my mother of having extra marital affairs. Sincerely, he isn’t off the target as my mother specialises in dating younger men.
Severally my father has had to send some young men away from our premises, who come asking to be employed as drivers. Since I spent the better part of my life away from home: entered into boarding school from JSS 1, beyond what I experience during the holidays and the complaints of my younger ones, I can’t say categorically that I know my mother very well.
All I know is that she is very fashionable and beautiful as well as a socialite. Unlike my father who is more into his children and home, my mother doesn’t care much about us.
We have all come to accept her for whom she is and the times I am at home or when my father comes to visit me in school. I always tell him not to bother too much about my mother. I often tell him that after 26 years as a couple he should be used to her ways by now.
It is an open secret that my father is the one keeping the marriage; my mother doesn’t care one bit about it. As a child, can’t recall when she went to the kitchen to cook, I don’t even know what the taste of her food is like. She is that bad.
Although I have always known my mother’s weakness for young virile men, not once did it occur to me that my mother is capable of sleeping with my own boyfriend.
About three months ago, I brought my fiancé home to meet my parents. He finished before me and travelled to England to further his studies. He came back about four months ago to ask for my hand in marriage. Since his parents were familiar with me, I brought him home to inform my parents of our intentions to spend the rest of our lives together. My father has also met him while he was still in school.
My mother was at home on the day he came. We all agreed on the day his parents would come to meet mine. Three weeks after, they came for formal introduction and to agree on a date for the introduction and wedding.
It was during the period of our wedding planning that I ran into my mother and fiancé coming out of a hotel close to the house of the caterer I contracted for the wedding.
While I was still trying to fathom what both of them could be doing in that place, my mother oblivious of who might be looking gave him a quick peck on his lips before zooming off in her car.
I didn’t need to be told what they had gone to do in the hotel. My boyfriend didn’t know what to say when I called out his name. Right there and then he confessed and started begging for my forgiveness. He claimed not to know how it all happened; that all he remembers is my mother inviting him over for discussions concerning the wedding plans.
I am pained and so confused. Agatha, our wedding is on December 18. I want to end it all. There is no way I can go ahead with a wedding to the man who has slept with my mother. The worst thing is my mother’s attitude. Even when I confronted her with what she had done, her attitude was ‘so what!’
My boyfriend and his best man have been pleading with me. My chief bride’s mate who has been my friend since our childhood is of the opinion that my mother must have charmed my boyfriend and that the best way to deal with her is to forgive my boyfriend and go ahead with the marriage.
I am so confused. I haven’t told my father anything since I don’t want to hurt him more than she has hurt him all these years. Please tell me what to do. He is the only man I have ever fallen in love with in all my life. We have been together for five years and not once has he cheated on me. Even he was away, he kept calling me religiously everyday for the 18 months he was abroad. Once he sent money down for me to visit him. He has been that dedicated to me. He is still insisting he doesn’t know how he ended up in the hotel with my mother.
Todun.
Dear Todun,
Frankly, a lot would depend on how much you can forgive your boyfriend. You are the one who wears the shoes; you know where it hurts you the most.
You are at the junction in life where you must take a census of the past to enable you plan right for the future. When matters become this complex and inexplicable, it is always best to deep in perception. Refuse to be guided by the evidences that you are seeing now. In cases like this, these might not be of help at all.
To achieve this, you must strive to bury your pains else it would becloud your ability to think straight and take a right decision. The reason for this is to avoid regrets later down the road in your life.
From your own account, he has always been dedicated to you and obviously has earned your trust. Has he ever lied to you? Do you think he is telling the truth about not knowing how he and your mother ended up in the hotel room?
What do you think might have been your mother’s motive for sleeping with him?
Going by what you know of him, do you think he would take such risk with your mother? What do you think he was after sleeping with your mother? Deep down do you think he would risk your love and trust for him to be caught sleeping with your mother?
Now that you have had time to think, call your boyfriend again and demand for explanations from him. This time, using the knowledge you have of him as your springboard, listen to his story. Let him repeat all that he told you all over again. Ask questions where you are not clear. Thereafter, go and confront your mother with what your boyfriend told you and challenge her to deny the bit about using charm on your man.
If she is proving difficult, threaten to go public with what she did to you. Let her understand that you have refused to inform your father not out of fear but because you love and trust your boyfriend and that whatever happened between the two of them must have been manipulated by charm on her part.
Your vote for the integrity of your man would spur her to blow up. Listen carefully to her outburst because from there you would get clue into her motive as well as substantial truth concerning what happened between your man and her.
The reason for the threat is not for you to be rude to your mother but to get her behave off guard to get closer to the truth. Even though her conduct deprives her of any respect from you, resist the urge to be.
Without being told, it should be obvious to you by now that your mother needs help. What she is doing isn’t normal and if care isn’t taken, she may push your father to his limit. There is a limit to how much a man can take. Someone has to stand in gap for your family and mother because her reputation would eventually rub off on you and your female siblings. This is a matter for which you must seek spiritual help from your pastor to resolve. Her behaviour isn’t normal at all. The involvement of a minister of God in this would help point you at the direction to pray. No matter how much you are hurting, please don’t rush things for the sake of every member of your family.
December 18 is still far. You still have time to think and pray for God’s directive. You need Him so you don’t make a very costly mistake.
Granted, a lot of damage has been done by what you witnessed and trust is broken, yet the issue is whether he is telling the truth that your mother charmed him. This is the key to this problem. However, look into your heart, can you forgive him? This is a very personal thing; it is a decision nobody can make for you. It has to come from your heart because you are the one who will live with the memory and consequences of your decision. If you can, do but ensure you both live somewhere very far from your mother’s charm.
And always place your husband and home under the authority of God because out there because women like your mother are abound.
Good luck.
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