My cousin needs help with her marriage

Dear Agatha,

 

About three years ago, I wrote to you concerning the affair my husband had with another woman, which resulted in the woman having a baby for him. You would recall I had wanted to abandon my marriage but thank God I wrote to you and took to your counsel. I went to the woman and took the baby off her like you advised.

Today, that child and I are inseparable. And my husband, like you predicted, changed overnight. Today, a lot of his friends and family members think I have used some charm on him to make him the almost perfect husband he is today. 

I want to thank you so very much for your selfless service to mankind. For helping me find peace in my marriage and life, God will never forget you. 

I also want to say that through your column as well as my experience, I have also become a sort of marriage counsellor to a lot of women and young girls in the church and in my environment. Thank you also for being my mentor.

Agatha, I would appreciate if you help me resolve this problem my cousin is having in her marriage. It is so complex I don’t know what to do or say.

I honestly would have preferred we discussed this one on one but since I live in Port Harcourt now, it isn’t possible.

My cousin who I am just a year older than got married to this man who is the son of a one-time minister. Everybody considered her lucky to have landed that sort of man because everyone thought at 33 she may not get a single man to marry. Little did she or anyone know he is a monster in human form.

Being very close to me, I noticed that she wasn’t her real self when they came back from their honeymoon. I noticed lines under her eyes, bruises and a very sad look on her face despite the wealth that surrounds her. A lot of people including her mother were taken in by her new cars, clothes and jewellery but being very close to her I knew something wasn’t right.

I tried to get her to talk but she kept telling me she was okay. I became really alarmed when she started losing weigh rapidly. Still she wouldn’t tell me anything. When I discussed my worries about her with my husband, he told me to stay off her marriage; that when she wanted my help, she would come of her own accord and that until she does, I should let her be. 

And when she did last week, it was to tell me a story I thought only existed in storybooks. 

The bruises I noticed on her arms, were a child’s play compared to what I saw on her thighs, stomach and her womanhood. She said anytime her husband desires intimacy with her, he first beats her black and blue, with her wrists cuffed to the bed. She said that wasn’t all; that he enjoys videoing all the gory scenes of him beating and sleeping with her which he plays back later to his friends who also come with similar videos of their wives. She said the other wives have learnt to tolerate the situation as a result of the huge money their husbands give them afterwards.

She said she decided to come to me because he tried to make her sleep with his best man while he watched and recorded the scene. If not for the evidences of the mark on her body, I would have called her a liar.

The funny thing about it is her inability to leave him and report to the law enforcement agencies. She said she cannot leave because he has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves him. She cited the example of the wife of one of them who tried spilling the beans dying under very suspicious circumstances. 

She said she needs help now because she is pregnant and would not want the child brought up to witness the shame of her marriage. I tried to make her go to the police but she refused and warned me never to repeat her story to anybody in the family. 

Some few hours after she called, I got a call from her husband who told me not to take whatever his wife told me serious; he actually gave the phone to my cousin who told me that everything she told me was a lie, figments of her imagination.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do especially as my husband has warned me not to get involved in anything concerning my cousin who at her age, he said is old enough to know what she wants from life. 

The issue is would I ever be able to live with myself if something terrible happens to her? I am seriously thinking of going to her parents to report the matter to them but I am afraid it might cause trouble for me between my cousin and I as well as with my husband who is very explicit that I don’t involve myself.

Worried Cousin.

Dear Worried Cousin, 

If your cousin at the centre of a turbulent storm said don’t come, I can cope, there is nothing you can do about it else you would be accused of meddling in another woman’s marriage.

Marriage is sacred like you have found out. It has no place for a third party. You could be accused of being jealous by her parents as well as a section of the family who see her marriage as beneficial to them. You could also be unwittingly putting your husband and children in danger if you involve yourself too much in this matter. 

Every couple has to navigate a path that is workable for them to survive. You found a way out of your own problems in your marriage that is why you are still there with your husband. Granted, you were advised on what to do but the ultimate choice rests with the person at the centre of it. If you had decided to ignore the advice and follow your own desires; there was nothing anybody could have done to make you change your mind or stop what you had in mind.

The same thing applies to your cousin. You have told her what to do, let her decide on what makes her happy.

You may find the story told you by your cousin offensive and unacceptable but as long as she isn’t tired of the situation in her home, you would be accused of interference in your cousin’s marriage. 

Like your husband rightly observed, at her age she isn’t exactly a spring chicken; she is more than old enough to know what she wants as well as the point she would get to and reject what she is going through in the hands of her man. The threat of death would not be enough by then to prevent her from going public with her story and getting the husband to beat a retreat. 

What you should do is simply to keep your line opened to her at all times. Always provide her with a listening ear whenever she needs it but stay away from her home and affairs to avoid complications in your home. You cannot love this woman more than she loves herself. Calling you to refute the story she told you about her husband is enough warning that when the chips are down you would be on your own. She has the potentials of denying you in the presence of everybody.

Her marriage is her story, life and history. You cannot co-author it for her. Give her the space to write her history the way she wants to. Her mother and siblings cannot be blind to the signs you see in her. And if they are pretending all is well with their daughter in her marriage, don’t involve yourself in it. 

All you can do is to pray for her safety and give her support to do what she wants to do when she is ready to do it.

Good luck.