Please I will like you to help me out of this problem before I make a silly mistake. I am 22 years of age dating a girl of 21. We have been together since 2005 and very close that people in our area naturally assume we would never break-up. But something major happened in 2007 when I found out she was into lesbianism. She didn’t tell me but found out from one of my friends who actually told my brother about it.
When I confronted her with the information, she denied claiming it was a poly by some jealous people to break us up, but later admitted that she practised it when she was in the College.
She confessed she was forced into the act by one lady, who claimed she had admired her for long, while she was asleep in the hostel. According to her, it was the first and last time she did it with a female. Because I love her so much, I believed her especially as I didn’t want to lose her to a girl. When we first met, she told me that she was a virgin. Though I didn’t believe, but accepted her story to be true out of the love. However, in January this year, our feelings got in the way and one thing led to the other. Just before I entered into her, she stopped me to confess that she wasn’t a virgin that, a boy who supplied her mother soft drinks, deflowered her. Again I forgave her, besides it was the first time we were making love.
Agatha, I don’t know what to do about this girl because I found out that she is always lying. Again, I want to know if dating a lesbian would not affect my chances of a making a success of my career. Please, I would appreciate your frank response to my mail.
Henry.
Dear Henry,
If she has this constant compulsion to tell lie, there may be the need for you to sit her down to question her on her past and also find out why she finds it easier to tell lie than the truth.
To help her find lasting solution to this problem, you must arm yourself with information about her past. A trip into her early years will give you deep insights into her person. To this end, encourage her to talk generally about her childhood years, her relationship with her parents, especially her mother, the sort of person she is, was she a tyrant or too strict that her children found it easier to lie to her to escape her wrath and punishment? If she became a liar as a result of her mother’s strictness, she needs your help to bury her past fears of the attendant repercussion of telling the truth.
She needs to understand that lie can only provide temporary relief, but never the respect and peace that comes from telling the truth. Through encouragement and show of love, let her see that life comes with learning to take responsibilities for one’s action and that the only way this can be possible is for her to always tell the truth. Letting her know that finding out that she has told you so many lies was enough reason for you to end the relationship, but haven’t done that because of the love you feel for her. She has to know that truth will always prevail and that when it does, it has a way of making the liar appear irresponsible and unworthy of the trust of others.
By the time she realises you have the choice to end the relationship based on your discovery of her person to be a habitual liar, it might help her to appreciate the essence of telling the truth. And you must make it clear that she has to earn your trust from this point, because all the lies she has told in the past are making you wary of investing too much of yourself in her to prevent you from getting badly hurt later when more facts begin to emerge about other things you think you know about her. But if she gets her kick from telling lies, it might be more difficult to get her to change because to her it has become like opium. Like in every case of addiction, the determination has to come first from her before you can do anything. Again it boils down to how much she wants you and this relationship. If she wants you sufficiently, making the sacrifice to become straight by telling the truth always would not be too difficult for her.
Therefore asking her to tell you the whole truth about her past life is a way of helping her focus on those things now very important to her. She must come to the realisation that being in a relationship means more than lovemaking or craving for the presence of that person. It is a total package that comprises of honesty, truth, loyalty, sacrifices, support, respect, responsibility, tolerance, understanding, care, patience as well as selflessness.
Make it clear to her during your talk with her that it doesn’t matter to you any more if she lied about everything in her past, but what matters is how much trust she has in you by telling the truth about herself from this point. That, her contribution to the progress of this relationship is helping you stay focused by confiding in you about her person and past life.
By being obvious that a lot would depend on her capacity for the truth, would help both of you determine how much of a relationship you both have in the first place. Without a concerted effort on her part to trust you with her past life, this relationship may not be worth it at the end of the day, because it would get to a point you will get tired of all the lies as well as wonder if she is even telling you the truth about her feelings for you. To prevent putting yourself in this situation, you must face the challenge of helping her beat the habit.
Sincerely, I don’t want to discuss all the spiritual drawbacks that come from it.
But if your love for her is strong enough, getting her to thrash the habit completely is your best option. This is because there is no way you can hope to have a sexually fulfilling relationship if she is engaged in lesbianism. There will always be other women in her life, ones that will eventually push you out of her life.
The issue here isn’t how much you love her, but how you plan to cope with the knowledge of other women having a share in your woman’s life. This is one issue you must not, for love sake, sweep under the carpet. It is something you must discuss and agree on a solution agreeable to you in particular. Whatever sentiment you wish to apply, ensure it is one that can stand the rigours of time as well as secure your peace of mind always.
If left unaddressed, there is no way it would not affect you psychologically as well as emotionally. When the mind has both psychological and emotional problems, everything one engages in becomes polluted by the burden of these emotions. So, to this extent, it will impact negatively on you for the simple reason you will lack the needed concentration to be thorough at a job.
So weigh carefully your options and settle for the one you know would preserve your happiness at the end. And at any rate, you still have a long way to go at just 22. You should be more interested at reaching your set goals now that you have the strength and time to pursue these goals without distractions.
To do a good job of this, learn from this early beginning to pray and depend on the counsel of God.
Good luck.
Lonely Heart
Dear Agatha,
Compliments of the season! I’m a regular reader of your column. Please I need a modest, mature and serious minded lady, who understands what it means to be in love and not for the gains of going into a relationship.
Î am an honest person, who doesn’t pretend about anything in life. I am easy going, who needs an assertive lady, a woman figure and not a go-go person, a communicator, not a talkative. She must be a focused person who understand times and seasons, a loving and submissive lady, a great homemaker. I am in my 20s. The woman must be God-fearing, educated or uneducated, between the ages 20 and 28 years of age. I would appreciate SMS only on 07041615055 or mail: ilesanmi2001@yahoo.com
Okanlawon
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