My Wife Turns Our Home To Debating Society

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column and I need your candid advice as usual.

I am married to a beautiful and lovely woman and together we have two lovely daughters. My wife is a year older than me and we did talk about the psychological effects of this before we got married. We both agreed to respect each other and not let that get into our heads.

The problem now is we argue a lot and most times it just doesn’t make me feel happy. I just think my wife likes everything to end the way she says it should, and that gets me mad sometimes. We practically end up arguing over everything which as far as I am concerned is unfortunate. 

Agatha, do you think this has to do with the fact that she is one year older than me? I try as much as possible to avoid reminding her of her domineering attitude as well as the fact of her age just to avoid sinking the boat of our marriage. But there is a limit to human endurance; I might not take it for too long because it is eating me up inside. I have tried to communicate this to her and yet no change has occurred.

Agatha, do we call this marriage quit?

Leo.

 

Dear Leo,

Marriage is a life-time journey; one you are not expected to graduate from unless it is marred with violence and threat to the life of one of the parties.

In this instance, there is nothing so profound as to make you want to quit this marriage. You see, marriage is like a wrapped gift, until it is opened, there is no way of knowing its content. In life, being contented with what you have is the first step towards securing one’s happiness. To avoid disappointment and disillusionment in your marriage and as a wife, you must learn to appreciate the uniqueness that is your marriage and it cannot work the same way that of your friends are working. Just like our faces and personalities, our marriages must at all time reflect the individualism of the couples involved.

But like every item, it comes with a general information manual aimed at helping one get over the nitty-gritty of the operation. Often than not, the main instruction on every marriage manual is mutual respect for each other. Once a couple is determined to operate the guidebook by showing consideration for the other party, many problems which are today tearing couples apart would never be.

To be candid from all you have said, there is nothing profoundly wrong with your union except the issue of ego on both your parts. If you were older than she is, would you feel she is trying to dominate you? Are you sure, part of your problems isn’t because you see her as being older than you and unable to control her?

Sincerely, a lot would depend on your own worth as a man. How much of yourself have you brought into the relationship? How much of her have you been able to control? Even if you are older than she is, as the man and head of the home, you must be able to control your home not by being a tyrant but by assuming the leadership of your home.

This is often achieved by trying to understand the person of your partner. Beyond the issue of age and your constant disputes, who is this woman you married? What makes her happy? How much sacrifices on your part would do to ensure she stays happy? How far are you willing to go to protect this marriage from total collapse? Have you been able to pinpoint her various moods as well as the challenges of her upbringing? Who we think has some contribution to our growing-up years. If she is domineering, is it something she just developed on account of the fact that she is older than you or what the circumstances of her family life made her out to be? It is in your interest as well as this marriage to find out.

What was she like before you both got married? Can you ever remember her being submissive to you all the time you were both dating? If she did, at what point did she change and what do you think could be the reason?

Don’t be shy to take the lead in your home. By being a leader, she would be proud to take orders from you any day and time. You could be going about wresting power in the wrong way. You must be the kind of leader she can trust, draw inspiration from and depend on always. She can only agree to follow you if she is convinced that you won’t be leading her into the abyss by rash and immature decisions. This is especially important particularly as she is slightly older than you.

Again, it is imperative you also understand the nature of your arguments. What are you two always arguing over? Are these arguments over the duties each of you is expected to perform in the home? Has it to do with the inability of the two of you to recognise what you are each expected to do in your home?

Honestly, there is no way you can change her from being who she is without you first knowing how best to go about it. She must understand where you are coming from to enable her accept your changes without complaints. If she is convinced that the changes you are trying to introduce are wholesome and not aimed at making her the servant in the relationship, she would listen.

One of the quickest ways to get her disinterested in you is insist on talking only about yourself without pausing to listen to her talk about how she too would want things to be in the home. By remembering she is also an equal partner in the home would go a long way in helping the two of you resolve the issue amicably without either of you feeling cheated. There is no marriage in history that hasn’t gone through the wet and dry periods. You are not perfect, neither is she. Once you come to the point to appreciate that, it is always better in life to manage the faults we know than go for the perfection we don’t. You will be better focused on finding a lasting solution.

Help your marriage by taking her away from the tension in your home for a romantic weekend where both of you can talk as friends and two people who know what they want and are not too proud to ask each other forgiveness and a way forward. Patience, loyalty and faith in God to help out at critical moments would win you this battle.

Good luck.